things are moving along

Hello all- It has been a while since I have updated the blog. It has been on my list of things to do and now even with Christmas around the corner, I have the time, so here goes.

A couple medical updates. I had my surgery on Sept 11th and now we are at the end of Dec, over three months ago and there is little to no change to my "new" breasts or their uneven size. So I am stuck with one side (mastectomy side) being cup size A/B and the other being a C/D cup. For women, you will understand how big of a difference that is. My Dr thinks I am still working out the fluid in my upper extremities but I think it is pretty much as good as it is going to get. If I want anything different I will probably have to go under the knife again. I probably will go back but not right now. I am going to continue to be patient and hope that I will somehow even out but I am realistic. So overall,I am pretty disappointed in the results of the surgery. The plastic surgeon said once the blood clot came into play, it was hard to determine what the result would be. There was no way to know how I would heal. Well I healed pretty uneven and it sucks.

For the last couple months I have had Physical Therapy once - twice a week. I liked going because it made me feel like I was doing something proactive to help my situation but the drive was long and I dragged poor Erin with me most times while Paige was in school. I would wake up with my face so swollen you would think I was punched in the face. It would take most of the day for the swelling to dissipate. Now after several weeks, sometimes I do wake up swollen but it goes away pretty quickly. There still may be fluid built up in my body but my circulation system is better able to deal with it now. So that is good and I don't even need PT anymore.

I had an ultrasound to determine how the blood clot is dissipating. The clot is no longer even found where it originally started, (under my right arm). But there is some "residual thrombus", means buildup, in my jugular vein. Although it is not dangerous, it does mean that I am not getting full blood flow to my head right now. That would explain why I am still getting light headedness and dizzy spells when I stand up quickly or lean over and stand up. I knew something was not right in this regard so at least there is something medically telling me my symptoms make sense. And again after three months, I can say even the light headedness is going away.

I am still on the drug, Coumadin, which thins my blood. Chances are I will be on this for the rest of my life because during the treatment of the blood clot it was determined that I have a genetic tendency for Blood Clots. Too bad it took me getting one to realize this. With all the surgeries I had, I am lucky I did not get one earlier. Once you are on blood thinners you have to be careful that your blood does not get too thin, or if you were cut, you could bleed too much. As it is, if I cut myself shaving in the shower, it bleeds and bleeds and bleeds and then it stops. Also if my gums bleed after brushing my teeth, it just keeps going. It is a pain but manageable.

So all and all, I have to be happy, yes it has been a long journey but I can say I am coming to the end. I am feeling pretty good, and looking as good as I can muster right now. My hair has grown in beautifully and I love the 20 min complete morning schedule (from shower to full makeup). It is so easy, I am reluctant to grow it long again. Yes, I will probably have to consider surgery again but that is on the back burner. And we are all so looking forward to Christmas this year. It will be a great year with Erin understanding Santa better and Paige has been really sweet using her own money to buy presents for her family. Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this and Happy New Year. It will be a happy one for us.

Britt

Great night for Paige

Thursday night was a great night for our family. It was the evening of the annual Cancer Awareness Event at Emanuel Cancer Center in Turlock. Paige was invited to read her book to the audience of 300-400 people. Over the last 16 months Paige has documented, in her own words, her experience being in a family dealing with cancer. Her Grandma helped her edit the book and they published it. Perhaps some of you have already read it. The staff at Emanuel loved the book so much that they have incorporated the book in their "Monkey Business" cancer support groups for kids and she was the "opening act" for the keynote speaker of the night, Kelly Corrigan, author of "Middle Place". She is also a young mother and Breast Cancer survivor and her book is on the New York Times Best Sellers list. I believe she also appeared on Oprah. The family and I had also been asked to be part of fund raising efforts by lending my picture, with the girls, and my success story to print materials such as brochures and newsletters. I was happy to do that if it helped raise money for the Cancer Center.

Anyway, we arrive the evening of the Event and there is a large tent and tables set up with all kinds of things. On one table is the brochure with my face and the kids faces in the cover. The fundraising efforts had paid off, they were able to raise their goal of 4 million dollars!!! We were then invited to meet Kelly ahead of time before the event and so she and Paige spoke for a long time about her advice for a young author. It was cool to have "inside access" and for Kelly to take such an interest in Paige and her book.

Back out at the tent, the cancer survivors gather in the back of the tent for a Survivor March to open the evening. It sounds kind of hokey but it is really a wonderful feeling to walk through that tent with everyone cheering you on. I was so proud to be walking with other women who had fought and won the battle. They play the song "We are the Champions" which is always a tear jerker. The previous year I had walked in the Survivor march, I was in the group of survivors "One day to One year" since diagnosis. This year I was in the group "One year to five years" since diagnosis. I did not cry during the procession until I laid eyes on Brian and he was welled up as if to say "See, look how far we have come". I hugged him tightly and cried a little in spite of myself. I also was able to march with some new friends I had made through support groups and such, so it was nice to be surrounded by people I knew and felt comfortable around. The nurses and Doctors and staff are all people I have become so close to since I have spent so much of my life in this place with these people. Many of you will not have medical issues that allow you to learn the personal side of your Doctor or medical staff, I have reached that point with these people. Yes, this is their job to be here but for me they have become friends and support for me and they celebrate my good fortune at this point.

My sister and Mother in law came to visit especially for the evening and it was so special. Kara loved the Survivor March and I was glad she was there. Then there were opening remarks and then they introduced Paige and me and the video of her book. Now she did not actually read the book, live, THANK GOD, because we just weren't sure how she would react live, so it was video taped ahead of time, also to keep the program moving. So there was me and her on the big jumbo screen reading Paige's book. It was really cute and the audience seemed to like it. Erin was funny, she looked up at the screen and said, "Mommy", "Paige", like it was the most common thing to see our faces on a big screen. After that, the keynote speaker, Kelly Corrigan, read a couple chapters from her book and she was funny and touching. After the event was over, Paige was seated right next to Kelly for a book signing. Paige sold her copies of her book and signed each one "Paige" with a little heart over the "I" in her name. She looked so grown up sitting there. Brian and I were proud parents.

All in all, it was a great night. It was exhilarating to be part of this event and have Paige receive such a thrill.

Medically, I am also feeling much better. I still have some symptoms such as puffy eyes, swollen limbs and some occasional lightheadedness. But I have to say my energy is pretty much back and I have gone to the gym again a couple times last week. My strength and stamina are depleted so I have to build that up again. I am going to Physical Therapy twice a week to help move some of this fluid away and out of my system. Not sure if it is working, but I feel good I am doing something proactive. I was definitely, in what I describe as, a "funk" for several weeks. I am not sure if I am back to normal but I am getting there and trying to dig out from all the things I put on the back burner for so many weeks. What I realized is that everyone has tough times. It is not just me and not just cancer giving people troubles in life. Everyone has hardship and life, it doesn't just wait around for you. You have to try and pull yourself up and keep going.

So that is what I am trying to do, keep going.

Love you if you are still reading my blog.

Britt

Can't catch a break

Here I am nine days after my surgery and I can 't tell you that I feel 100%. I am pretty discouraged because this surgery was supposed to be all good news. Nice new breasts, no cancer to deal with but of course I have a blood clot that proceeded to knock me on my back for 5-6 straight days. I am making progress but I am still light headed, out of breath and my fingers are tingly. I am not sleeping well from the incisions and I still have puffy eyes in the morning. I go to see Dr. Kahn (Surgeon) on Monday and Dr. Eldaly on Tues so I will get to the bottom of all this.

I will say I am feeling better though, I have more energy and have been able to get back to some normal things. My mom and I took the girls to a local Renaissance faire on Sat. It was fun, tiring but fun. Other than that, I will do some work around the house then have to rest afterward. The other day, I changed my sheets on my bed and once I finished I had to lay down for 20 mins to recover. Now that does not sound like me does it!!

Tough coupld of days

Hey all- Well the last step of recovery has had it's ups and downs. Surgery on the 11th was delayed until 2:45pm which meant I had nothing to eat or drink 8-10 hours before at 5 am. My husband was so sweet to make me breakfast let me eat in bed at 5:00 and then fall back asleep. We get to Stanford and get settled in to hospital bed and the surgeon comes in to measure me and draws on my skin all the places he plans to cut,etc. Kind of weird. He plans to do the following: 1) Take out the chem port which I was so excited about. 2)Removed the tissue expander and put in a silicon breast implant. 3) Add a small implant to the right remaining breast to even everything out. My number one goal was symmetry and if they were a little rounder and firmer that great. After a long surgery and long recover time Brian and I left the hospital around 7:30 pm that night getting us home around 9:00.

By then all pharmacies were closed to get my pain meds but I was sure I still had pain meds at the house from previous operations but no such luck, I had one half of one pill. I was in for a long night. We dug up other painkillers but weren't "the good stuff" but I got through the night. Brian again, my knight in shining armor, got up at 5:00am the next morning and drove a hour away to Turlock to a 24 hour pharmacy and got my painkilllers. I was so happy to see him showup with those pills and my breakfast the next day. My Hero.

I was recovering fine, sleepy, swollen. The breasts were not excactly symmetrical and the surgeon warned me about that. I need to wait until the swelling goes down and see how things settle in before deciding how they look. There are so many bandages you can't see much at all anyway. I have two drains again and those get in the way. So as the day goes on I notice my face and eyes swelling up and my neck is bright red and getting larger. Then around 3:00 I realize my arms are real tight like I have a blood presser cuff on. Everything chest level and up is swollen. I don't even look like my self any more, I look like I have gained 30 lbs and in day. I joke I look like a football player with their thick necks.

I call the Dr on call and she is baffled by my description. She calls back and suggests also suggests I go to the ER. So exhausted, Brian and I pack up around 6:00 pm to go to the EM in Turlock. I pack an overnight bag because I am just not sure what to expect anymore. Once at the ER, he does a quick exam and determines the swelling is due to the trama of the surgery and send me home. I put up with it on Sunday, no change. On Monday, Mom and I are back in the car going to see Dr. Eldaly. I am convince there is something going on. the sweelling should be either getting better or getting worse but the fact that it is still the same after 3 days is odd. Dr. Eldaly sees me and sends my for a chest CT, and then an unltrasound. Sure enough, I have a blood clot. It is under my arm where the Port used to be. I am on blood thinners and drugs to reuce the swlling. I am glad I followed up and I am glad the Dr. Eldaly took it to the extra step to be sure it is not a problem. Blood Clots can be very serious.

SOoI am back home now resting and recovering. I don't think I will be going out in public unless I need to due to the intense puffiness. I am tired and sleepy and dizzy so I am keeping it short. More to come but I am doing OK right now. Me and my happy drugs. =)

Britt

Reconstructive Surgery

Hi Everyone it's Brian. I haven't written for while, I figure it was time to check in, especially on a day like today when Britt was going through re constructive surgery. I have determined that I hate hospitals. Since I have known Britt she has undergone seven surgeries. I am always the same a mixture of dread, and emotion. It never fails that right about the time they wheel her in I become a total mess. The positive is that this represents the end of sorts. The doctor has told me that the outcome of the surgery was good, although they won't it is a very subjective thing, because the true outcome is how Britt sees it. I know it will be tough for her, because no matter what she will not see what she was like before the surgery, there are scars, and scar tissues that will effect it. The best outcome for me would be for her to see her as I see her, as the most beautiful loving person in the world. She has taken on cancer and beaten it, and we have come out stronger as a result.

Guess What

I just got my results back from my Pet/CT from yesterday and they found NO Evidence of Cancer!!!! There was really nothing there. They did see some activity around the tissue expander but felt that was from the surgery site not cancer related. And oh yeah, I also have a ovarian cyst. No big deal, I get them all the time and have had this one for over a year.

This is great news. I was really nervous about this final test because the results were going to drastically change the path of my life, if there was still evidence of cancer. Before I knew I was still getting Chemo and radiation so still knew what I had to do but right now, this late in the game, I have the surgery coming up on the 11th and one final Herceptin treatment on Sept 22nd and THAT IS IT!!!

A big sigh of relief on this one and I wanted to share it all with you. My biggest supporters.

Britt

Date Set for Reconstruction

Hello all- What a wonderful vacation to Oahu, Hawaii. We stayed at the Hilton Hawaiian Village, which is very kid friendly. It had 5 pools and four water slides, Waikiki beach and tons to do. We took turns spending the day at the pools and then the next day at the beach. We went snorkeling and rented paddle boats. We rented a car for the second half of the week and explored the Island. We found a secluded beach that is more visited by the locals than tourists. There was some snorkeling there but the view and the sand was glorious. Smooth, silky, white sand, I won't soon forget it.

We went to a Luau, food was fabulous, too bad Erin misbehaved so badly. She took a glass of punch and dropped it on the cement floor shattering it all over my purse, dress, every where. I was so mad, to say the least, but I had to pull it together to realize "Hey, I am in Hawaii". We saw a fabulous evening of traditional hula dances. Very cool. One evening, at our hotel we saw a Hawaiian musical review which played more pop culture Hawaiian songs like "Wipe Out" or "Hawaii Five O" or "Tiny Bubbles". They also had dancers including fire dancers and the evening finished with fireworks to the song "Over The Rainbow" by the famous Hawaiian singer, you probably have heard the song in commercials, etc. Anyway, for some reason looking up through the swaying palm trees on a beautiful night, watching fabulous fireworks, I got very emotional. I just couldn't believe I was here. That I had made it through and here I am enjoying this vacation and celebrating the finish of the year we just had. I felt so good and it was a really wonderful memory for me. I am getting welled up just typing about it. =)

We enjoyed our evenings going out to dinner and then back to the room to put the kids to bed and we would enjoy a bottle of wine on our balcony. We had a fabulous view from the 6th floor. One evening we paid for a babysitting service and went to a five star restaurant and had one of the best meals of our lives. It was so great to have the kids with us on this trip but I really relished that time alone with my husband.

One of the highlights of the trip was I got to Swim with the Dolphins. It was so cool. I have always wanted to see what it felt like to feel a dolphin's skin and surprisingly it felt like human skin but much firmer. It even had ridges similar to human fingerprints. I loved the experience and was thankful to my sister and husband who encouraged me to do it. I was giddy like a kid in a candy store. HAHA

Overall we loved our time in Hawaii. We literally were trying to find ways to not come home so soon. I came back very relaxed and happy.

Of course, the next day, I had to go to my Dr appts because I had missed some over the Vacation. It was kind of sobering to be all happy and tan and going to get treatment with all these sick people. I don't feel or look sick at all so I just hope that I can be an inspiration to patients that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Shortly, after we got home I was finally outvoted and we got a family Dog. I have been very reluctant to add a new member of the family because as much as my daughter promises to pick up the poop, of course much of the work falls to me. He is a shelter dog, poodle/terrier mix, about a year old. We named him Duke, for a famous Hawaiian surfer/swimmer. (For the Jimmy Buffet fans "Duke's on Sunday"). He was very skiddish and mistrustful but once we got him out in the yard at the shelter, he opened right up and I was encouraged. Since bringing him home, he has had some "issues" that an abused animal would have. He is quick to nip and bite and I have been very stressed about correcting this behavior. I guess I don't mind adding a member to the family but I really don't want to feel stress about it especially hoping that he does not bite anyone. Brian is working with him and things are better. Every day we go with out an "incident" is a good day. I hope to report that he is a keeper but the jury is still out.

I am finishing up the Herceptin treatments and I asked Dr. Eldaly if I could get one more Pet/CT scan now that I am almost finished. I have this intense fear that I am not really healthy,that there is still cancer in my body and that at any moment it will rear its head again. The Dr assured me that they take blood tests that are very sensitive to any abnormality in my organs. Such as, if there is something going on with my liver function or other organ function the blood test will indicate an issue. I understood that, but for me, why wait for it to hit my organs before finding a recurrence? Although I know that a PET/CT won't pick up tumors smaller that 5mm but I guess I just want the "all clear" as I finish therapy and my Dr agreed and ordered the test. So I am set for the test on Thurs, 27th at 9:30 at Stanford and I should have the results the second week in Sept.

I am assuming the test will come back clear but I of course need to emotionally prepare myself if it is not clear. If it is not clear, then I guess I will have to start this whole thing all over again. But I would rather know if I have a "hot" spot out there than to see it has spread to an organ where it is more difficult to take care of. For those Cancer survivors, this is the life we live, the constant fear of a recurrence. It is a horrible existence, but I guess I just have to assume it won't be back because I really don't have any control over it.

If the Pet/CT is clear, I am set for Reconstruction Surgery on Sept 11th. I worked with my surgeon to determine what I want to look like. I have been very ambivalent about whether I go for a bigger size or recreate the same size I am. If I wanted to go larger I would need an implant on the right side (my natural breast) but instead I opted for a "lift". It makes me look more "youthful", but essentially the same cup size. What it came down to is, I am happy with the size I am and I am fearful that if I go bigger, I will feel self conscience. I just want to look the same, a little perkier, but the essentially the same.=)

Paige starts school next week and I couldn't be happier. We need to get back into a routine. I sound like such a MOM, but we do. The kids are up at all hours of the night and I am tired of hearing "Mom, I'm bored, there is nothing to do". She is excited to be in 1st grade. We are going on one more camping trip before school, actually she will miss a couple days but it is not a big deal. We are heading to Oregon to a rustic cabin that we love on Chetco river. We will spend about four days and then head back and get Paige off to school. It might be a tough first couple of days for her but I am sure she will bounce back.

Our family was chosen to be part of an Emanuel Hospital brochure and newsletter. I can't seem to attach it but drop me an email and I can send it to you. In case you weren't aware, Emanuel Cancer Endowment program chose four "success stories" to be highlighted for their marketing materials and we were chosen to be a part of it. So we had a photo shoot and an interview to get my story as part of advertising to raise money for the Cancer Endowment. So our picture with the kids was chosen to be on the cover of the brochure as well as the newsletter. The newsletter is mailed to 6000 households locally. Kind of cool.

I will give an update on the Pet/CT so check in again in a couple weeks.

Love you all, Britt

Update

Hello everyone- I have had a great couple of months. I feel great and my hair is growing back and things are getting back to normal. My new normal. My friends encouraged me to continue the blog even though I am technically finished with treatment. I joked that I have nothing interesting to write about but I have gotten such wonderful feedback about my blog, I guess that I must have something to say.

I still have Herceptin appts every three weeks and am taking Estrogen-blocker pills and vitamins every day. But so far, so good. I also have to go and get tests for my heart every couple months because Herceptin sometimes has a side effect of issues with your heart. Most of the tests are precautionary but my latest test came back a little irregular so I have to go for a more extensive follow-up test this week. I asked them if I should be concerned and they said "no" but they want to rule out anything bad going on with my heart. This has nothing to do with cancer or any sort of recurrence but I have learned to just followup with everything because you just don't know.

My nephews, Sean and Ryan Kelleher both rode in a fund raiser, Pan MASS Challenge for the Jimmy Fund - Dana Farber Cancer Institute. They rode 26 miles and raised several hundred dollars themselves and their group/town raised several thousand $. They rode in my name and I am so proud. I called to thank them and it sounds like they had a good day. Thanks Nicole, Dan, Sean and Ryan for committing to such a good cause and helping other people affected by cancer.

I held a "Luncheon of Gratitude" for my local girlfriends who helped me so much while I was sick. My friend, Janet, (also recovering from Breast Cancer) gave me the idea. I invited some of the medical staff, the Dr's, friends from Paige's Monkey Business group and about 8 girlfriends. We had a great time and it was so nice for me to show my gratitude and celebrate our friendship. Like I have said, sometimes good things can come from bad. Some of these women I might never have made a connection with if it weren't for getting cancer. And they were in a place in their lives where they could reach out to me when they didn't have to and I really appreciated it.

In early June, Brian and I celebrated our 10 Year wedding anniversary. We had a bottle of wine that we kept all those years and took it with us to dinner. We had some issues with the cork disintegrating right in the bottle. (It was about a 13 year old bottle of wine. Traveling with us all the places we moved, etc). We had a lovely evening and I was so happy we were able to celebrate our anniversary when things are going well for us.

In Mid Jun we traveled back to the East Coast and to my old home town in Clifton Park, NY for my 20 year High School Reunion. I came back with Brian and the kids. We spent a couple days with my parents in NH and then left the kids with them for the weekend while Brian and I headed to upstate NY for the reunion. I have a great group of friends from JR High and HS. We have kept in touch after all these years and they had been so helpful to me during my treatment. Although they were far away their calls and cards and letters and gifts really sustained me. I think it meant a lot to them that I was able to travel back to see them. They all appreciated seeing me since it was the first time since my diagnosis that I got to spend any quality time with them. They all live close by in NY and I am the one furthest away so it was fitting that we all met for our reunion. I had a great time, I got a new dress and got my short hair highlighted. I had to pick a strappy dress that did not expose my port that still sits under my chest near my collar bone. I also was ready for the comments about my haircut. Most people at the reunion had not seen me in 20 years so they had no idea I once had long hair but I just played it off as a haircut I wanted. I told a couple old friends that I was a recent "breast cancer survivor". Many of them were shocked but one old classmate admitted to me that she too had breast cancer and she had a double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. I never would have known and although we were not friends in HS, we had an instant bond between us. During the weekend, I was able to sit with my dear friends and read a little speech for them about how grateful I was for their friendship and support. Also at the luncheon I read a different speech but similar sentiments. Luckily during the luncheon I was able to keep it together and not break down crying but with my long time friends, I didn't fair as well, crying so hard that I couldn't even read the words. My friend, Meg, had to read what I had written. Both speeches end similarly about the lessons I learned from this experience. I learned the lesson of compassion from friends and loved ones. I don't think I spent enough time putting my self in others' shoes when bad things happened to them but now I feel compassion for people and I can act on it and offer support where in the past I might not have. I told them that they made me a better person and I thanked them for it.

Paige's book continues to cause a stir. I brought it to the East coast and it brought tears to the eyes of anyone who read it. My friends at the luncheon loved it too. I am thinking of getting reproductions of it made so they can sell it at the hospital. They now read it as part of the Monkey Business curriculum and has been read to the new group of Monkey Business kids after Paige's group.

In a couple weeks we head to Hawaii!!! We are so excited. Although we enjoyed our time back East, I would not say that was a vacation. This trip is a true vacation where it is nothing but having fun and relaxing. Brian so deserves this. It has been a long road for him and he is truly burnt out at work right now. The kids are coming with us so my work is coming along...=) but I am happy because the girls are going to have so much fun. There are 4 water slides at the resort and 5 pools to choose from. More on our trip later.

I guess that is it for updates, glad you are still reading and I promise to make it as interesting as possible.

Britt

Highly successful

Those were the words the Dr used to describe the treatment of my "local" disease. He said I was "Highly Successful". Those are fabulous words. You know what else are great words he said "There is every indication that I am in Full Remission". Amazing.... It was great to get an overview of how far I have come from Dr. Eldaly. Sometimes it is easy just to move on to the next piece of business and not reflect on what we have here, a success story.

Once I finished therapy I have felt a bit like I am in limbo. Only a couple weeks ago everything seemed so urgent and time sensitive and now the Doctors and Nurses send me on my way to resume my life like nothing happened. For the most part I have been able to jump back into life thanks to my kids and Brian but I guess I needed a recap. Just to know where I stood.

My "local" disease was considered the breast area, lymph nodes, and all around my left chest. That is the part that treatment was highly successful. What Dr. Eldaly will look for now moving forward is "distant" disease. This is where stray cells may/may not move to other parts of my body and may cause havoc.

Many of you have asked or wondered, "Am I Cancer Free"? There is no way to truly know that I am cancer free. It is a waiting game in effect. After 5 years, I am supposed to be cured. That is why I get routine blood tests to check my body functions, organ function and bone density and function. If for some reason one of those blood tests are off then they know something is going on and will do further tests, etc. It does not mean cancer it just means that they are very in tune to any abnormality.

If you were to ask me, I feel I am cancer free. I feel like I did everything I needed to do to combat this thing and all indications is that I am in the clear. At least that is the way I will choose to live. I don't see any need to sit around and wait for it to return. If is does I can't control it any differently than before so why exert energy worrying about it. I would rather spend that energy staying healthy mind, body and soul. Don't get me wrong, I do cringe just thinking about the possibility of it returning. It does scare me to death but like I said, I can't control it and I have to be OK with that.

I had wondered and I am sure you did too, "Why don't I just get Pet/CT scans. Wouldn't they be able to see the "Hot Spots" on the scan to find any additional cancer? I asked that and Dr. Eldaly explained that the blood tests are more sensitive tool than a Scan. A hot spot would only show up when the cell mass is larger that 5 mm. Not large but anything smaller would not even show up, so it is not a tool used for early detection.

So that is the latest medical update. In other news, Paige had published a book about her experience with having a Mom who has cancer. Everyone loves it. It was written in her words and is really very touching. Gram Kelleher helped her write and edit it and we sent it away to a publisher and we got hard copy version of it. She is very proud and will be reading it out loud in future Breast Cancer Awareness events. Also our family was chosen to be "poster" child for an advertising campaign for Emanuel Hospital. We will be featured in a brochure and newsletter about my success story. They sent a photographer out recently to do a photo shoot of the family and a writer is writing about my story. Should be interesting to see how it works out.

Take care all,

Britt

Life back to normal

It has been a couple weeks since I finished my therapy. I finished on a Thurs, had Friday to prepare for family to visit and then hosted Brian's brother Dan and my sister in law Nicole and my nephews to our house for a week. We had a great week, very busy and fun. I had a couple appts that week seeing my Reconstruction Surgeon and getting some routine tests. Nicole was able to help me by watching Erin that day, so that was good. Last week, Brian traveled with work and the family was gone and I was left in my house alone (with the kids of course) for the first time in probably 8 or 9 months. I was able to return to my old routine of the gym in the mornings and quiet time for me when Erin naps in the afternoon. I had the best week in my own solitude. I am truly happy. Such a weight has lifted that little could get me down. Returning to my favorite class at the gym was a milestone for me because with radiation and a small wig incident during the class (you figure it out), I had not been able to return until last Tues. I completely overexerted myself and was SO sore but I was really happy to be back in the routine of things.

During that week, I had a Herceptin treatment. I asked a friend at the Dr. office to watch Erin while I was hooked up to the medicine. Again, Herceptin is not harmful to my body. I don't have any side effects that I might have had with chemo but I do need a treatment every three weeks until Sept. 09. It is very quick, once I am hooked up, it only takes about 30 mins. Hardly enough time to get into a magazine and I am done. So it was not too much of a problem to bring Erin with me while Paige is in school.

By the end of the week, the kids and I were missing Brian and glad he was home. We went to a local fair and the kids had fun on the rides and petting the animals. I am even going to embrace activities that I had needed to put off because of the crazy medical schedule, it is time to potty train Erin. So we are working on this starting this week.

All and all things are good.

Britt
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Finally

Hello all- Well, I am done. YEAH!!!! I finished 28 sessions of radiation today. They sent me home with balloons and the song, "Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more...". It was cool. I was crying my whole way through the last treatment. I was trying really hard to keep my breathing regular but it was hard with tears rolling down my cheeks. Brian came with me for the last one and he brought me flowers. It was a very emotional day. We are now having a couple friends and their families over tonight for a small celebration and then I plan to followup in a couple months for more of a full blown celebration. Not for me but for all the people who helped me through it. So now we have been joking, what am I going to do with all my extra time? Although I still have some followup meetings, etc, it will seem different not having this hanging over my life.

I feel great, in good spirits and looking forward to what comes next. Oh, I almost forgot, we booked our celebratory trip to Hawaii. It has been a year in the works and we finally booked our flights and hotel. We are going the end of July. It will be wonderful icing on a bittersweet cake.

Yahoo!!!!!

Britt

4 more

As your reading this Britt will be in her 5th to last Radiation treatment, we can see the finish line, and are very happy. I am happy too that I can be here for her last 5 treatments, I will take her on Thursday for her final one. Of course it is not really the end, they still have Herceptin, and Estrogen treatments, and they say you have to have no recurrence for 5 years to be considered cured, but it marks the end of the three step process they use to eradicate the cancer so we are excited.
As Britt said in her post I did take her to a treatment last week, and it was really amazing to see what they do, using lasers, and large computer servers they are able to pinpoint treatment areas to a fraction of a millimeter, and attack them aggressively while not endangering the surrounding cells. They even measure her breathing (they shoot on the intake), to make sure they hit the right sight. Through it all Britt has to lie very still with her arms above her head, for at least 30 minutes, just one more form of torture this has put her through.
The toughest part of all of this for me has been I have still had to travel, a lot. I travel about 60% of the time for my job, and this has meant I have had to be away for a lot of the treatments. I am constantly facing the work/life dilemma, my work is important to me (especially since the cost of treatments without insurance would bankrupt someone), but Britt is more important, so it has been very tough. Fortunately I can be very thankful to a whole lot of people who have stepped up to help. Starting with my mother, and Britt's mother, who put large parts of their lives on hold to come and help us out, as both of them have made two extended trips. Britt's sister Kara, has been there as well, she even went with Britt on one of the toughest appointments she had, as the doctor at Stanford explained the cancer had spread further then previously thought. One of the more amazing out pourings has come from our little town of Los Banos, we have only lived here a little under two years, and yet we had so many friends that stepped up in so many ways, so to Heidi, Shawna, Sara Bowling, Sara Silva, Liz, Stepahnie, Veronica, Dawnie, Denise and everyone else who I might have forgotten, thank you so much from the Kelleher Family. Thank you as well to all of extended friends, and family who have taken the time to write cards, and send gifts they have meant so much to Britt and I to know that we are thought of, prayed for, and loved.
Easter like all of the holidays, seems to have taken on new meaning given the experience of the past year. It is a time of rebirth. Cancer takes a lot out of you, there have been moments of despair, losses of dignity (as well as hair), and times where you wonder if it will ever go away. But as you can see by Britt's picture she has come through both stronger and in the very biased opinion of this author as beautiful as ever.

Brian

Almost there

Hello all- I have only Six, yes, six radiation treatments to go and I have completed my medical therapy. I am feeling great and ready to get on with my life. My skin is holding up quite nicely considering the intense conditions I have put it through. Some redness but I use aloe and it seems to help. Brian joined me for a session last week. He might blog about it but he said it was really amazing what they are doing with my treatment. They are tracking 14 different locations across my upper body where they are zapping possibly cancer cells. It is very specific and they tell me I am one of the more complicated treatment plans. I feel very happy that I have resources so close to my home for the best care possible. I have gotten to know the therapists well now too, I am there everyday, and I have my set routine. Don't get me wrong I am counting the days until I am done and do not need to return but I will make it. Six sessions will be over in a blink of the eye. So if all goes according to plan and the machine does not break down, or something, I should be finished on April 16th.

I am not wearing my wig in public anymore!! Yeah!!! With the security of the wig, it was an interesting public transition from longer blond hair to short, short brown hair. I did color it light brown and it looked much fuller. I can't do much with it though, other than spike it up using styling wax. There were three groups of people that I was encountering as I transitioned off the wig. Strangers- random people at the gas station, store clerks, etc. I didn't care who saw me, they don't know me and I will never see them again. Friends- These people knew the whole story and I was excited to show them my "new look". Everyone seems to like it and has been supportive. The last group that I found the most complicated was the acquaintances or loose friendships- These were people that never even knew I had cancer. I never felt the need to tell them. The guy who mows my lawn, some neighbors, people at my gym, parents on Paige's softball team and school. To go one day from long blond hair to this extreme haircut was somehow stressful for me. I didn't want to blow peoples minds and leave them with quizzical looks on their faces. So I told a couple acquaintances ahead of time, "I am finish chemo and radiation and the next time you see me I will have really short hair" and left it at that. I don't really feel the need to go into it with every person I see, if they ask, that is fine. So I am back to my natural hair and I feel great. It is certainly easy to take care of and everyday I can see a difference in the look.

Brian's mom goes home on Thurs. We are sad to see her go, she brought me a lot of comfort knowing Erin, for instance, was not getting into trouble and Paige was picked up a school on time. Thank goodness for family.

I am very much looking forward now. Our family was nominated by Nancy, my friend who works for Emanuel Hospital, to be interviewed for the Emanuel Hospital Newsletter about "treatment for the cure." They would interview us about our experience and take pictures etc.

I also had an opportunity to volunteer for the American Cancer Society for the "Look good feel better" Program. They were training volunteers who would hold the program for patients and I served as a "guest Model" for the training class. It was fun and I got a bunch of new makeup. They basically did my makeup and I told the volunteers about my experience. I am looking forward to giving back if I can. My experience has been "extraordinary" =). I would like to think other people can benefit from what I went through.

After radiation, all I have is ongoing Herceptin treatments until Sept (no side effects) and medication in a pill form that blocks my Estrogen and of course my final cosmetic/plastic surgery. Sounds like a lot but other than the final surgery, I hope it is manageable.

Hope Everyone is doing well.

Britt

Slowly making progress

Hello all- Some days Radiation goes very smoothly and other days takes a long time and is proving to be a royal pain. I am about two weeks in and about four weeks to go. I had a tough week last week with frustration and disappointment but this week things have gone fine.

We went to San Diego two weekends ago which was a fun but long trip. We chose to drive home late on Sunday night and got in about 1:00 am. I had to pull myself out of bed on Monday morning to get to radiation by 8:00 am only to find out that the machine was down. No machine, no treatment. The therapists (the ones who run the machines) were not able to get the message to me in time to prevent me from traveling the hour up there to find out I was out of luck. I was so furious that of all days, I was exhausted and I drove all the way up there only to turn around and drive home and I did not even get a session of therapy under my belt. The more sessions I get, the closer I am to finishing. So I missed two days because of the machine and those days gets tacked onto the end of the therapy timetable.

Then on Thurs. the Dr. was moving and shifting my body so they got the perfect position that I laid in one position (with my arms over my head) for almost an hour. I was in so much pain that tears were running down my face by the end of it. I had to just lay still and take it because if I were to quit or move I would only have to repeat it tomorrow. So it was in my best interest to just get through it. On Friday it was better. As they were positioning me I would lower my arms to give them a rest and that worked better. I have to do what I can to make the experience work for me. I get mad at them, but they are only trying to give me the best result. So I understand what they are trying to do but I still am angry and I take it out on them in my head. Which makes no sense, it is not really their fault.

I am having a hard time shaking my anger. I am just so tired of everything and I find I am projecting it on people who are either unrelated or not responsible for my anger. It is unrealistic and really makes no sense but sometimes I need a person to blame for my problems. I can't blame cancer. It is fruitless.

So I am up at 6:00 and out the door by 7:00 for the radiation appt at 8:00. Sounds like a job, huh? I get through radiation for the day, it is about 10:00 am when I get home. If it is a good day, then I can get started on the rest of my day. If it is a bad day, then it really deflates me for the rest of the day. I feel lethargic and tired. I nap a lot now as they warned me that radiation tires you out. So far I am not seeing any side effects such as skin burns or redness. They say to expect it in the third or fourth week. So I am trying to stay ahead of it by moisturize my skin as much as possible. Both Monday and Tues were very smooth, in and out in 30 mins.

Good news, my Mother in law is back to help out. For the next three weeks, she will be able to take care of the kids and Brian can travel when he needs to knowing that I am taken care of. I think her visit will be better for him than for me, although it is good for me too. He tends to put the weight of the world on himself and just be knowing I am OK gives him the ability to go to work and do his job.

We had a great weekend in San Diego. We went to the pool and hot tub and I did not wear my wig. A big step for me. I feel like people immediately know I have cancer when they see the short hair but you know what, who cares, I won't see these people again and if they wondered, who cares, it is not my responsibility to fill them in. I wonder why I am so worried about hiding it still but I guess it just gets back to privacy. I don't want to be seen as a spectacle, my hair is just short not a big deal, right?. I am getting closer to "the big reveal". No wig. My hair is only about 1/2 inch long but I am thrilled. I colored it today to give it the appearance of more thickness. I think it looks pretty good, considering, but we will see if I have the guts to go out in public or not.

Paige continues to love her Monkey Business group. It is very natural for her to tell people all about it. "I am going to my club. It is for kids who's Mommy's or Daddy's have Cancer." Very matter of fact, which is good. It is a part of her life, she should embrace it. She seems to be handling everything so well. One issue I did not address with Paige is the fact that you could die from cancer. I just figured why go there if I don't need to right now, but in the group they covered that topic and I cringed a bit because I wasn't sure how she would handle it. Come to find out she is fearful of that but she is as hopeful as I am. Hope is important.

I wanted to mention again how wonderful it is to get cards and messages from friends and family almost a year into this ordeal. I hear from Brian's side of the family a lot which is so nice. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I have reconnected with so many people that I sometimes have a hard time keeping up with responses so if I am slow, I am sorry. It is a wonderful problem to have, too many people to respond to. I love talking with everyone, please don't feel put off, I couldn't do it without you all.

Britt

Quick Update

Hi everyone, sorry to leave you with such a downer entry last time. Like I said, it has been a crazy week. Just wanted to give a quick update that I had radiation again last night and things went very smoothly. The therapists were very good with me walking me through what to expect and it took about 30 mins. It's all good. I am doing much better.

Britt

Crazy Week

I was to start Radiation this week but things got a little crazy. I was in good spirits going into this week though I was tired because Brian had to travel this weekend and all week, giving me limited down time in dealing with the kids. I arranged to have Stephanie babysit on Tues but without knowing when I would be going back on Weds I reluctant to set other arrangements.

I get to the appt but start later than anticipated and I was worried about picking Paige up at school on time. I had alternative plans but when you are on your back in a machine laying perfectly still, I can't exactly get on my cell phone at that moment. I was told this day was simply a "dry run" of the radiation plan they developed. They want to be sure that the computer is programmed correctly and all the steps and measurements were correct before turning on the dangerous radiation. But I was required to lay still for a full hour. You try it, see if you can lay perfectly still for even 5 minutes. It is really hard. So I am laying on the gurney with camera-like machines hoovering over me. Every couple minutes they move and shift around me, shifting and clicking as they settle in the new position. All the Technicians are in the other room through a lead door that protects them from the radiation. Lucky me, I am all by myself in there with no one for company but a large intimidating machine.

So at some point about 20 mins in I must have dozed off and then the machine moved to it's next position and I woke up with an involuntary start. I knew I had moved quite a bit but I didn't know what that meant. "Did it mean I we had to start over?" "Did I mess some thing up?" "Did anyone see me move?" "Hello out there?"

I thought someone might come over the speaker and say some thing, like, "We saw you move, it's no big deal, just keep going." The Techs said they could see and hear me if I needed anything so I called out "Hello?", no response, I started to feel stupid, trying not to move but letting out a weak "hello" for the second time. No one was responding or giving me any instructions. Then I got scared. "Is anyone even there", "Are they out to lunch?" I yelled for a third time and still nothing. Then a single tear rolls down my face and then I knew it, Oh GOD, I am having a panic attack. My mind was racing, "Get me out of here!" I had one other panic attack in an MRI machine shortly after my diagnosis. Once I started to cry I started to feel really sorry for myself. Like if I was looking down and watching this from above, I would feel really sorry for that girl. Kind of a weird concept, but by now my breathing was elevated and I am not supposed to change my breathing too much. I knew the test was blown. FINALLY the techs rushed into the room to save me. "Where were they, why didn't they come or respond to me?" Turns out the lead door that seals me in to the room swings open so slowly because it is so thick and heavy

All in all it was a horrible experience and guess what!....I had to go back the next day to finish the dry run. I was able to pull myself together to drive home but I decided in that time that I needed Brian's mother to come back out again to help me. The stress of daycare arrangements, scheduling and caring for the kids along with Radiation and other DR appts is going to be really hard. So for all my friends and family who were encouraging me, I am going to accept help. Gram had offered and is happy to come out for a three week visit and help with the kids. Thank god for my family. Poor Brian, felt so helpless, being in North Carolina at the time. It seems like every time I have a major problem he is away trying to do his job. Of course, the reason I don't have as many problems when he is around is probably because...he is around. He alleviates that stress for me and remembers things that I don't remember from the Dr's. He was so upset he canceled his travel for next week so I will have help until Brian's Mom get into town.

So last night (at 7:00PM) I had to finish the test dry run. I was less stressed this time. I had the kids with my friend Sarah, and I listened to music before hand and OH Yeah, I took a anti-anxiety pill too, to take the edge off. HAHA Love my medication. I talked to the Dr and asked that the techs communicate with me through out the whole test so I know how long I have to go, just to let me know someone is there. They were all really nice and sorry that I struggled the day before. I got through it fine. With thirty mins on the gurney, I was done. Thank God.

It seems that my plan is pretty complicated because they are trying to radiate these tough locations such as the spot in the middle of my chest between my ribs. This requires a lot of maneuvering. Where most patients only have a couple mins of radiation, I will more likely have about 30 mins. My friend who just finished radiation, she only had 2 and half minutes but of course "I'm special", I have 30 mins. The Tech last night said that he has not seen such a complex plan. I am not sure if that is good or bad. This whole process really caught me off guard. I know I have a complex case but why do I need to add drama to the situation??? I am sure this kind of thing has happened before, I know a lot of people who have had panic attacks and also attacks in MRI's machines etc. So I am not embarrassed but I want to work to avoid it next time.

Like I said it has been a crazy week, in the midst of all this, I joined a new a support group aimed to help kids. It is called Monkey Business and the kids, ages 2-15 meet in one room and the parents meet in another all talking about how to help the kids deal with Cancer in their family. I think Paige has handled the whole thing wonderfully so she really saw this as a play date kind of thing because they made crafts and read books, etc. I get to this meeting all annoyed at the scheduling issues and the driving I will be doing over the next 6 weeks. We sit down to meet everyone and hear their stories. As we go around the room, a man starts to tell us his story and I am so sorry tell you all this, but this poor man is basically dying of prostate cancer......It was so hard to hear his story because he has very little hope. What do you say? He has two children and they are scared and devastated. In that one moment, for me, it all came flooding back for me. Why was I going through all this? There is a reason, a good reason. I plan on living....I have plenty of hope and that is why I do this. I do it because I want to live a long life and don't plan on this thing coming back.

That meeting put it all back in perspective. I am the lucky one. I am going to be OK and with some hard work I will get my life back. Sooner than later too. So off I go to Radiation with a new sense of purpose.

I will be in the car a lot so I am getting a earpiece headset so I can talk on my cell hands-free. So maybe you will be hearing from me as I pass the time in the car. =)

Love you guys

Radiation

I am heading to radiation on Tues. I had all the meetings and all the tests required to get a routine setup everyday (M-F) for the next 6 weeks. I have been having a hard time this week because I thought going into this, that radiation was going to "be a walk in the park". I realize now that nothing about this experience is a walk in the park. Every step of it really stinks. At least I don't lose my hair as with Chemo but radiation has it's own set of restrictions and strain on my life. What I have a hard time with, is facing things that are unexpected. I have really tried throughout this is to gain as much control over things like schedules and planning but even now these things are out of my control.

I went in this past week for a CT scan to basically chart my body so they can determine the best directions and combinations for the light therapy to hit only the areas of possible cancer and not other important parts of my body like bones or internal organs. My heart and lungs are right behind my left breast plate so they want to hit the left breast area but not my heart. That takes meticulous calculations and measurements of this machinery. So I laid perfectly still in this machine for about 45 mins. and they made a cast of my body so I will assume the same position every time for the next 6 weeks. They even measured how my chest rises and falls as I breathe. They don't want any changes in my body from the beginning to the end of radiation or else I need to go through the 45 min CT measurement scan again. I don't want that again so everything stays the same the next 6 weeks. I am also instructed not to lose or gain significant weight during this time. It could throw every thing off.

So once I go through all this, they determine how many minutes I will need the radiation therapy everyday. Long enough where they kill potential cells but not too long where other things are damaged. Only about 10 -20 mins every day. Once they know how long I require the machine, I am given a slot of time to get the daily therapy along with everyone else who has cancer and needs radiation too. So I am competing with all these other people for this radiation machine and chances are I will not get my first choice of time slots. Brian is traveling this week and I have a babysitter, my friend Stephanie, lined up for babysitting of Erin. When she is not available, I have a couple backup options, but I don't really know what I am going to do for daycare while I am in radiation since I don't know when the times are yet. I am trying to plan, but right now it is out of my control along with everything else.

I felt a real turning point finishing Chemo and getting through my Surgery but in reality I am hardly half way through with Radiation and then the final surgery still to go. I really thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel but I feel like it is further and further away and all I feel is disappointment. I have been saving all the cards and notes that all my loved ones have sent me over the last year and as I looked into the box, I realized how packed it was getting. What I wonderful feeling to have all these well wishes and loving support to keep and share.

As always, thank you for supporting me in your own way.

I love you all,

Britt

It's not a Sprint, it's a Marathon

We have been busy the last couple weekends. My mother flew home on Feb 10th. I am so grateful to her (and my father) for giving up 3 1/2 months to come and help me take care of the house and children as I go through Chemo and also my surgery. I thank my father for agreeing to hold down the fort in New Hampshire and be without his wife for that long. Both of them made sacrifices for me and my family and I could never repay it. I think in the end Mom was getting pooped out and I don't blame her. My family requires a lot of energy but all and all she got a unique experience to really get to know my kids and how our family runs. Since I was recovering from the surgery so quickly and my next step is radiation, we felt now was the best time for her to get back to her life. Thank you again.

We also just celebrated Erin's 2nd birthday. We had a small party on Sunday and then went away for the rest of the weekend to Sonoma and Napa. I need to make a correction about Erin though, as I mentioned in my last blog entry, she is not 45 lbs., I exaggerated, she only feels that heavy. We just went to her yearly check up and she is in the 90th percentile for height and 95th percentile in weight. A chunky 38lbs but certainly not 45....=). While taking the day trip to Napa and Sonoma with the kids, Brian and realized that Valentine's weekend marked the 12 year anniversary of our first trip to California, Oregon and Washington and wine country where we first fell in love with wine and the West Coast.

Paige was part of a small Children's theatre production that came to town. They put on the "Princess and the Pea".. Paige played a "Dust Bunny" that hid under all the mattresses. It was fun for her.

Now onto the medical stuff. I have to keep reminding myself of the mantra, "It is not a Sprint, it is a marathon", but it is so hard. I am really, really sick of this whole thing. I try to be patient but we are quickly arriving at the year mark when I found the lump in my breast.

I knew the radiation was going to take 6 weeks but what I learned this week is that I have to wait almost 4-6 MONTHS before I can have my final reconstruction surgery. Also, once I start Radiation, I can't change anything as far as the expansion until I am ready for surgery. Therefore, I am basically stuck with this expander for the next 4-6 months. All the planning and pushing on myself and the DR's to finish everything before June is out the window. We have had plans for Hawaii in June for over a year. It looks like although I will be finished with the radiation, we will to go on the trip without the final look. That means tank tops and bathing suits will not look quite right. I am steaming mad over this. I understand my body needs to heal after radiation but why so many months later? We were willing to push off the trip a little bit if I was able to have the surgery sooner but I don't want to wait around for this, I don't want to put my life on hold anymore like I have for the past year. I guess I will have to suck it up, I know this might not seem like a big deal, to "suck it up", but I am really, really sick of "Sucking things up", like having to wear the wig and now this. By the way, my hair is starting to grow back, again slower than I would like but I can see a dark hairline again. Paige likes to rub it because she says it is real soft, like a baby chick. HAHA

I will back up a bit about the radiation, I figured I would need radiation after the mastectomy because the cancer had spread outside the breast tissue and even though the PET scans did not reveal any residual cancer, there COULD still be microscopic cells that later could develop. Chance are, I am cancer free but radiation is the "overkill" stratgey. I understand the need for Overkill, they want to take away any possible chance of a recurrance and they might as well do it up front because I certainly don't want to look back and wonder if I did everything I possibly could.

My Tissue Expander was "filled" for a second time on Weds and I thought I was going to die it hurt so much. It was so tight I could hardly breath in. Let's just say, when I was driving home, if I had to brake quickly and the seat belt tightened, it would probably have killed. me. It still hurts but the skin is stretching and forming over the expander. (Sorry, this is kind of embarrassing.) Anyway, I get "filled" one more time and then that is it until my surgery in several months from now. According to my DR, after final surgery, I will basically be the same size I was before children, a B cup. Sounds good to me, a nice youthful looking B cup. If all goes according to plan I start Radiation on March 2nd and finish mid April.

That's all I know now but next week I will know more.

Britt

Breast Reconstruction

Sometimes I have to laugh. I apologize to the men reading this blog. All I talk about is breasts, breasts and more breasts!!! To some men that might sound great, to most men the breast has a double meaning but for women, breasts are important but are really no big deal. When I write this blog, I often picture my women friends that will be reading this. I do wonder though how many men read and might feel uncomfortable about the subject matter. Breasts, boobs, bras, all those things that as women, we hold so dear but men are not used to talking about. The next couple of blog entry's will be about rebuilding a breast. If that makes you uncomfortable then I guess you either have to get over it or choose not read on. Let your wives give you the updates.

Some men might ask why bother build another breast? They don't seem to get it. "What is the big deal they ask", "It is not like you really need it?" That is like saying, you don't really need an ear, you can still hear with out the earlobe and the outward ear, etc. I think for me and many women in my situation, it is all about my self image. I will feel whole again when I get my new breast. I am not a whole woman without it. I want the chance to look pretty again, to feel pretty. Not for other people but for me.

I am now two weeks out from surgery. I feel pretty good considering everytihng. I am able to lift my left arm well over my head and able to lift some heavier things like laundry and grocery bags. A couple weeks ago, I was nervous to lift a full gallon of milk with my left arm but this week I am briefly lifting my 45 lb daughter, Erin, in and out of her crib (with both arms, of course). I am not sure that is the best scenario for healing but having children, let alone young children, with this process, does not allow you to sit around for long. I had the drains removed, thank God and I can wear my normal clothes again. No more needing to hide the drains with oversized T-shirts.

Now for the next medical procedure. The Dr will essentially grow the tissue for my new breast from the inside out. During surgery he implanted a tissue expander (basically a bag that they fill with saline to slowly expand the remaining skin from my breast. Once their is enough tissue to reconstruct a breast, they will remove the tissue expander and implant a typical saline implant that you might see on a plastic surgery TV show. So at this weeks appts, he added saline to my breast. It is not like I could see the difference but I could feel it. I think leaving the surgery, I had a small mound like the size of an A cup. Now I would say I was about the size of a small B. But boy is it firm and numb. For those of you who have given birth and/or breastfed, it feel like major engorgement but it does not really go away. Like when you are engorged, you just try not to go near "them", it hurts too much. The final product will not feel as firm but I would guess more like usual implants. More real I guess.

I am wearing my usual bras but I am lopsided. Most outfits you can't tell but I can always "stuff" my bra. HAHA So the plan is to continue to get weekly injections of saline until I start radiation. I find out next week what the plan is for radiation. It could take months before I am ready for Reconstruction surgery. So although I am through the worst of this process with Chemo and Surgery, I still have a long road to go.

I am sorry for being so "revealing", maybe I have been writing this blog for too long and forget all the people who are a part of it. I wonder if it will be hard to look people in the face and not laugh when I see them. I am sure everyone will be curious about my little science experiment going on around my chest area. "Should I look, can I catch a glimpse? Oh, I will just look up." HAHA It's OK, I understand.

So if you did decide to read on and you do see me. It is OK to comment on my little project. By now the sexiness of breasts is so over for now, it is strictly a little medical miracle. I will be whole again and I am thankful for that.

Britt

It's a new day

I have been feeling better and getting used to my new body. It is still hard to look at but I got some good news from the Dr's that lifted my spirits.

I went to Stanford on my own on Monday as a followup to ensure the incision is healing properly. Not only is it healing great, I was able to get one of the drains removed and the remainder is much easier to manage and is not as noticeable. Thank God!! That was half the battle in my sour mood.

Also while at my appt with the plastic surgeon, I got a message from my other surgeon that the pathology report was back. They take the tissue and test it to let you know if there was cancer or not. I went over to her office after my first appt and although it was the end of the day was able to catch her still in the office and had an impromptu meeting to review the results. What made me so happy about that spontaneous meeting is, as my sister and husband can attest to, I have spent hours and hours waiting and waiting for dr's that that are late or behind schedule. I was so pleased with myself that I was able to track her down and get the results of something that would have taken me all day to get at a regular DR's office visit.

To top it off, it was really good news. This sounds strange but the good news is they did find cancer but the part that is good is that they got it all out. The margins around the cancerous area were clean. There was also DCIS (the undeveloped cancer) and that was also removed and had clean margins. The 2 final lymph nodes taken from my side were also negative, no cancer at all. Fabulous, there is no spread to worry about. So in other words, if I had not gone with the Mastectomy, I would likely have seen a recurrence again at some point, maybe 5 yrs, maybe 10, maybe more but I would possibly have had to go through all this again.

The mastectomy was the right choice, the right thing to do. All the struggle with the second opinions, PET/CT scans, MRI's, switch of the Chemo, and many, many Dr appts have been worth it for this moment because it is gone. I really believe I am free of cancer.

It was late when I finally got ready to drive home, around 6:00 pm. I finally allowed myself to be happy. And just like that a song came on the radio that seemed to say exactly what I was feeling. Matchbox 20 named "How far we've come" the lyrics say "I believe it's all coming to an end".... "let's see how far we've come"..."let's see how far we've come." For me that was it, I blasted the song alone in my car and sang out loud "Let see how far we've come". I have come a long way and I am really proud of myself. (I tear up as I type this). This has been really hard but I feel "This is coming to an end". It was like that moment in the movie "Jerry McGuire" when he had signed the big contract with the football player and was searching for a great song to blast and celebrate alone in his car. HAHA

From here I may have radiation (no problem), and hormonal therapy for a year(no problem). Also reconstruction surgery (this may be a bit tougher). But I think I can handle it.

So I am sorry for the depressing blog entry earlier. I was feeling really low so I let you all know about it. But I am feeling better now. Thanks for being there.


Britt

Courage

I was really struggling on Saturday and Sunday. My image in the mirror is the physical manifestation of all my fears and loathing at this point in my fight. Cancer not only takes so much away from you, it really has made me question my self image. Who am I and what have I become, both mentally and physically?

Frankly, I feel so ugly right now. I have no hair, I have wrinkles on my face I never noticed before, I have two horrible drains and tubes coming out of my side and I have a terrible incision that is all I have left of what was once a part of my body. And to top it off, I got a cold sore on my lip, from the stress of the surgery. UGH. I am forced to wear oversized and long T-shirts to hide the drains. Just putting on a frumpy T-shirt immediately brings me down.

When people say I have courage or bravery I don't really think of it like that, I am fighting what I had to fight. I don't think it is bravery if you don't really have a choice. But I did have to muster real courage Saturday just to leave the house to go to the park with my family. I have been hiding at home for the last couple days and decided it was time to get out on such a beautiful day. I don't see myself as a vain person but I have given up even looking good in public I just want to look normal. I want to go "unnoticed" and that is sad to me. I just want privacy.

I feel like this is a precarious time for Brian and I. He has been so supportive but I feel like all I do is lean on him more and more. I am not able to give him much and he needs support too. I think the surgery has freaked him out a bit but he still tells me I am beautiful. I feel like he is lying, what is he supposed to day? He is so good at finding the silver lining in any situation and he assures me that this is not the finished product. It will get better. I believe him and I try to think about what the new Britt will look like but I can't really visualize her right now.

Hi everyone

I am home from the hospital. They released me a day early. I recovered pretty well. I think the surgery from the two c-sections from the girls births was a bit tougher as they operate on your stomach muscles vr. upper body muscles with this surgery. I got into my hospital room around 7:00 Tues night and finally got something to eat at 10:00. I hadn't eaten anything since Midnight the night before. So I needed at least something. I really didn't care so it ended up being mac & cheese, a few bites of rice and a few bites of carrots. Then off to sleep. I woke up a couple times through the night but all and all with the help of my morphine drip was feeling OK. Or as well as can be expected.

In the morning, I had a nice big breakfast and Brian came to the hospital at 10:00 after getting Paige ready and off to school. She has had play dates at my friends Sara's and Heidi's house the last couple days to help keep her mind off my being away but she was missing Mom.

I was transitioned to Vicadan pill pain killer and off the morphine and was getting around pretty good so they felt confident in letting me go. I had to share a room with another patient and it was cramped and awkward. SO I was ready.

We stopped for takeout on the way home and we just finished dinner. My sister Kara and Mother are here helping with the kids, they were a great help. I just have to keep the kids from jumping on me as my left side is pretty limiting. I can rely on my right side to get me up, etc. So I am glad to be back home. Thank you for the flowers and thoughts and prayers. It feels good that so many people are thinking of me all around the country.

Britt

5:48 pm

I just spoke with the plastic surgeon Britt is out of Surgery. He said things went well on his end of the surgery. Britt is now in the recovery room, for another 2 hours or so, and then she will be moved to the hospital.

4:39 pm

I just spoke to the Oncology Surgeon, the Mastectomy is complete. The are now beginning the reconstruction which involves placing a tissue expander under the pectoral muscle. The doctor said they had to move very slow because of the scar tissue from the previous biopsy and lumpectomy. She was able to get the two lymph nodes that were concerning her, and overall she thinks things went very well. I should hear from the plastic surgeon in about an hour to an hour and a half.

4:27 PM

Wow, we have hit the 4 hour mark and still no word. I am comforted by the fact that these are some very skilled people at one of the finest hospitals in the United States, but the waiting is killing me.

1:10 pm

Britt is in surgery. The MRI went fine, they were able to mark the two areas the surgeon wanted make sure she got at. After we returned to the surgical unit we met with the surgeon, plastic surgeon, an anesthesiologist. They are expecting a routine operation. On lighter side (I need a laugh right now), one of Britt's friends sent her a Face Book note to list 25 things about yourself that other people would not know. We had a good laugh about this, and the realization that after 13+ years there is nothing we don't know about each other, in fact Britt suggested I write hers for her, so here goes. For the sake of brevity I am only including 10.
1. She snores, really loud, but only when she sleeps on her back.
2. She twirls her hair when she thinks. It kills her not to have any hair to twirk right now, but she does twirl her wig.
3. She is obsessive about maintaining her friendships both past and present.
4. She can't cook, nor does she want to learn.
5. She once stole a 6 foot blow up Corona Bottle from a Jimmy Buffet concert (she had to give it back after security caught her)
6. She loves reality TV, any show any time.
7. She loves camping for the S'Mores, and hates it for the dirt.
8. She loves to sleep and very rarely is in a good mood when she has to wake up.
9. She is a great mother and wife.
10. She is the most brave courageous person I have ever known.

I will blog after the first surgeon is done, and comes out to speak to me.

Brian

8:37 am

Britt has gone back for the MRI, I have to say the last 24 hours have been a lot more emotional than we realized. I think we thought we had thought this through so many times that we were prepared, but sometime last night the reality of the situation really set in. I will probably be a little stir crazy today, I am sitting in the surgery waiting room, and of course all I can do is wait. I might not even get to see Britt in between the MRI and Surgery so that means it might be 6:00 tonight or later before I get to see her again, that is very tough. The surgery center here at Stanford is a really top notch, very professional facility, you can even check the patients status on a electronic board, which has list of patient numbers and their status, right now it has patient 37489 (Britt), listed as pre-op. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers today.

Blog Updates

5:20 am
Today is the day, Britt and I are in Santa Clara, we stayed over last night in preparation for the early morning today. We need to be at the hospital at 7:00 am, they will do an MRI where they will identify and mark a couple of areas that the surgeon will be targeting. This should take about three hours, then teh surgery is scheduled for 11:50 am, they are expecting that it will take about 4 hours, after that it will be another 2 hours in the recovery room. I will post semi-regular updates all day today, as information warrants.
Brian

Hospital this week

I am packing for my time in the hospital and preparing the house for my mother to take over the kids for the next couple days. After tonight I won't be home for a couple nights and Brian will be in and out to be with the kids, etc. I assume if I am feeling good, I would get home earlier than expected because they don't keep you there if it's not necessary. I am feeling healthy so thankfully I did not get sick and I assume my blood counts are high enough as well. I am still nervous that something will jinx the whole thing but I guess I am as ready as I will ever be. Monday I will have appts to attend and then Brian and will stay over close by for an early start on Tues. Apparently it will be a long day with two surgeons back to back. I assume Brian will be updating the blog after the surgery.

Thank you again for all of you still sticking with me over the long haul. This is one step closer to this being over.

Britt

Next Stop: Mastectomy

Hello all- It has been a rollercoaster of a week. I didn't post right away because I hate to drag everyone through all the emotions until things were set. I met with the surgeon on Monday with my Mother and Sister. The great news is that the Surgeon was exstatic with the resutls of the Chemo. I finally let myself be truely happy because I didn't realize there was a chance the Chemo might not work. I assumed it would, but some people go into Chemo, go through all that and then find out later that there was no effect. The cancer was still there and now what!! Luckily in my case the opposite happened. Not only has the cancer in my lymph nodes shrunk, it is not even present on the PET Scan or MRI. What that means for my surgeon is that she does not even feel she needs to operate on any of the lymph nodes but reccommends Radiation to get any of the final cells. I had cancer in hard to reach places like under my arm, behind my ribcage, under my clavical, and behind my chestwall. If the surgeon was forced to try and surgically remove lymph nodes in these hard to reach areas I was facing complications such as nerve damage and or even loss of the use of my arm, things like that. But with the Chemo that risk is eliminated.

She also was so pleased with the results, she gave me the option to try for a lumpectomy, remove a portion of the breast, and not the mastectomy, which would take my whole breast. I had been fighting to try and save my breast all this time so it was a tempting offer but when it got down to it, I can't take the chance of a recurrance, so with a heavy heart, I have opted for the mastectomy anyway. It came down to something called DCIS, Ductal Carsinoma in situ. It is "cancer that has not developed yet". I had that as well as "developed" cancer therefore, if not removed there is a chance that it could come back some day. Since I am young and have another 40+ years to live, I need to be aware that "undeveloped" cancer could very likely develop at some point and I would be back in this situation again. I don't want to take that chance so hence the decision.

Now I do still need to watch the other cancerous lymph nodes for the rest of my life. Even with radiation, there still is a chance that it could pop up again but hopefully not.

So I am set for more appts on Jan 26th and Surgery on Jan 27th. I feel dejavou wriitng this because I had another surgery date set which was canceled. If some thing happens between now and then, I apoligize ahead of time. I can't count on anything anymore. Frankly, if I get sick in the mean time, then the surgery has to be postponed. I have been feeling good so keep your fingers crossed. I will stay in the hospital for two days and maybe be released on the 29th.

In other news, Brian and I are an aunt and uncle again. We welcomed the birth of our new nephew, son of Dave and Marlo, Brian's brother who lives in Philadelphia. I am not sure the next time I would get to Philly to meet him but I can't wait to see pictures.

Thnka you for the enthusiastic comments and well wishes. It is a victory!!!

Britt

Blog from Paige

Hi, Its actually not too bad that my mom has cancer. I get some good things in life but some bad things that you don't want to handle. Like one of the bad things is I don't get to see here very much. One of the good thing is now no one has to cook. Because people bring us food. And one of the bad tings, there aren't that many. Want to hear some more good things? Like my Mom said, Nancy is pretty nice. Nancy said that the Monkey pictures I drew could be their mascots, I drew a whole family. The way I feel about Mom going into the hospital is: with her going away for four days, I am scared I am not going to see her again. I would like to visit her in the hospital but I am scared for me and for her.

Sincerely, Paige

Great news from the PET/CT and MRI

I knew you would all like to know as soon as possible. Finally some good news. I got the results of the MRI and PET /CT from earlier this week. Of the three areas where there was cancer in the lymph nodes: the rib cage, under the left arm, and behind the chest wall-- those three locations are "no longer suggestive of cancer". It means there is still "activity" in these lymph nodes but NO CANCER!!!!

Basically I had a "Full response to therapy" or in the medical document "demonstrated significant response to therapy". Which makes my Oncologist happy because this is what he has been working toward as well. This means surgery will be much easier.

The MRI revealed on the breast there were three masses detected, same as the ones before but this time they are "significantly reduced". Meaning the Chemo shrunk them but the medicine could not wipe them out completely, they were small tumors but still to big for chemo to get on it's own. So it looks like the mastectomy will move forward, which was predicted. But the question remains if the surgeon will feel the need to remove the shrunken lymph nodes in question as well just to be on the safe side.

The good news is the Chemo worked. All the things I went through were worth it because it worked. And I will continue with the Herceptin and that will gain even better results.

I was holding my joy close to the vest because these DR.s are rather stoic people, never too high, never too low. So I had to ask my DR. over the phone today, so this is good news, right? He said "OH Yes". =)

So I thought you all should be the first to know. You have hung with me on all the bad news and so I think everyone deserves some good news from time to time.

I see the surgeon on Monday so I will get you an update then.

Britt

CHEMO IS OVER!!!

Yeah!!!! I finished Chemo today. Not to eventful I slept as usual. Brian dropped me off and got me settled in and my mother picked me up with Erin later in the day. Brian got me flowers and candy. Thank you for all the emails and phone calls wishing me well. I do feel like it is a milestone. "It is not a sprint, it is a marathon" and I just past "Heartbreak Hill"- Boston reference) I hope I never have to return to this phase again. Now I can focus on growing my hair back in. I heard from a dear friend, that Brian used to work with, over Christmas that she also has Breast Cancer but was very private about it. She shared her wonderful attitude with me and assured me that in two months my hair will fill in with no open spots. She even got a pool/contest together for friends and family to guess when it all returned and they put in money and who ever wins by picking the date chooses a charity to donate it to. Sounds funny, do you guys want to do that too?

It never bothers me to spend the time at Chemo alone, one, as Mothers can attest too- I enjoy the alone time... Also I sleep most of the 4 hours stretch (I even woke myself up snoring today). So when I finished I felt all dizzy and wozy like waking up from a bad nap. I was well enough afterward my Mom and I briefly shopped for my new nephew who is joining the world in a couple weeks but I was still dizzy bleary-eyed so frankly I am not really sure what I bought HAHA, I will look at it later.=)

I will contiune to visit the oncologist every three weeks for a short IV injection of Herceptin that will coniune for another 8-12 months. This visit is like a walk in the park. You do not lose your hair or have symptoms with this and originally I thought it was going to take 1 hour 1/2 every time but the nurses say I have been taking it well all along and say I can get through it in 30 mins. So great, not a big deal.

After chemo I have to give myself shots to up my white blood counts. I started the process with only a 5 day supply of 2 small shots. Over the weeks my counts were slow to recover and therefore leaves me vulnerable to getting sick and slowing teh process. I was upped to 7 day supply. Last time the 7 day supply did not even help at all and I was still really low. Nothing to panic about it just means more shots. I was upped again to 14 days. It is a real hassle because two whole weeks of shots everyday!!! I have been battling with the Pharmacy the whole time so that is no fun either. But I am good at the battle now though.

It looks like our insurance is changing this year as well. I feel like I know the current plan so well Brian's manager has invited me to ask questions and understand the specific changes and how it pertains to our situation. As you can imagine coverage is king. The PET/CT and MRI that Brian mentioned each cost about $5000-$8000 each. I have had 4 MRI'S and 3 PET/CT's, you do the math... Thanks to Brian excellent coverage and the necessary due diligence, we have paid for very little of it.

Paige is doing well. She came to the DR office with me over her school break and sat with a wonderful friend who works at the medical center. She is a concierge for the facility. Pushing wheel chairs, getting coffee, setting up/organizing support groups. She is there to help the patients in any way. Brian and I met Nancy on our first visit to meet with radiation Dr. (Stanford Radiation is in the same building). She was so kind, warm and open, I immediately liked her. (She is a retired kindergarten teacher and breast cancer survivor as well). She showed us around the facility and put me to ease about how nice this experience could be. I changed Dr's and decided to received my ongoing care with Dr. Eldaly, because I liked him, I like the facility and mostly I liked the comfortable feeling I got from the staff and from Nancy. I like to call her my guardian angel, she swooped in at a time when we were so unsure of everything and she gave us a direction. Anyway, long story shirt. Paige came and sat with Nancy and they had a great time. They are starting a support group for children called Monkey Business. You drop the kid off and then the parent go to a separate support group during that time. It starts in March and Paige is so excited to go. She even drew pictures of monkeys that will appear on the flyers. I am glad she does not have negative thoughts of when I go to Chemo, when I tell her I have a chemo day, she is excited because she knows she is going over to her friend Brea's house for the afternoon.

Recently in school, Paige told us this story: the teacher explained that the class was going to pray for people who need their prayers and if the children wanted to suggest people that need prayers. (She goes to a Private school) Paige's hand shot up first and said that her Mom needs prayers because she has cancer. Hearing this, I pretty much "lost it" right at the dinner table. Poor Sweet Paige, she should not have to deal with this stuff. I was proud of her but I felt incredibly guilty as well. It's just not fair. Amazingly, she was not upset but for her just a fact of life. I think I will take her to sit with Nancy again, I bet Paige can benefit from talking to her, (ex-teacher and Cancer advocate) She is not handling the idea of me being away for three days for surgery very well.

I am sorry I feel like I babble on and if I repeat stories or medical scenarios, I am sorry. I hope to have good news to report tomorrow (Thurs of Friday) about the results of the PET/CT, MRI. I hope to see reduction in the tumors if not complete disappearance in some. I expect that some hot spots will be present and will need to be removed. I am not allowing myself to be too optimistic though. "Plan for the worst, hope for the best" is my motto. I hope the get a fax or a quick conversation with the nurse or Dr. and the more complete meeting on Jan 12th. I had to take that date even though I will not be feeling good still recovering from chemo, also Brian can't be there. He is in traveling to Nashville that day. Stanford screwed me again. They changed my appt from the 19th with the surgeon to sometime in FEB and never bothered to tell me I was bumped. They decided the office was closed for Martin Luther King Day and never informed the patience. I just happen to discover this by accident and was able to quickly get a new date. But I am irked because now Brian can't come to the meeting. This good news is as much his as it is mine. Anyway,they will hear my complaint to Stanford ( Always a battle) later but for now I am focused on the results. Wish us luck, I will call you or post as soon as I hear anything, good or bad. So be prepared. Love to you all.

Britt

Happy New Year and a Very Busy Week

Well we're at Stanford today, Britt is having a PET/CT scan and MRI. They will show us the progress we made with the Chemo and Herceptin treatments as well as give the surgeon a road map for the operation, which is scheduled for January 27th. Wednesday is Britt's last Chemo Therapy treatment and we are very excited about that. It has not been as trying as some have experienced, but it certainly has not been easy for her. She was amazing in her will to provide a "normal" Christmas for the family (ok and maybe she was a little demanding). We had a great Christmas Paige got a Guinea Pig, and Erin got some cool art supplies including some finger paints (need to rethink that one). It was good to have a good old fashion family Christmas with Britt's family.
For New Years we celebrated very quietly this year. Britt's folks traveled to Pasadena to see the Tournament of Roses Parade, so it was just us and the girls. We got the girls down and had a quiet dinner for two. Our goal from the start of this road has been for us to be in Hawaii in June celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary and the end of Britt's treatments. So for New Years I ordered some Kampachi fish from Kona and made Hawaiian Poke (Raw fish with soy sauce and seasonings), and seared fillets of it with prosciutto on a bed of risotto. For dessert I mad a Pineapple Sorbet. A very nice way to start the new year. We talked about 2008, and gladly bade it goodbye. We are looking forward to a very healthy happy 2009.