Crazy Week

I was to start Radiation this week but things got a little crazy. I was in good spirits going into this week though I was tired because Brian had to travel this weekend and all week, giving me limited down time in dealing with the kids. I arranged to have Stephanie babysit on Tues but without knowing when I would be going back on Weds I reluctant to set other arrangements.

I get to the appt but start later than anticipated and I was worried about picking Paige up at school on time. I had alternative plans but when you are on your back in a machine laying perfectly still, I can't exactly get on my cell phone at that moment. I was told this day was simply a "dry run" of the radiation plan they developed. They want to be sure that the computer is programmed correctly and all the steps and measurements were correct before turning on the dangerous radiation. But I was required to lay still for a full hour. You try it, see if you can lay perfectly still for even 5 minutes. It is really hard. So I am laying on the gurney with camera-like machines hoovering over me. Every couple minutes they move and shift around me, shifting and clicking as they settle in the new position. All the Technicians are in the other room through a lead door that protects them from the radiation. Lucky me, I am all by myself in there with no one for company but a large intimidating machine.

So at some point about 20 mins in I must have dozed off and then the machine moved to it's next position and I woke up with an involuntary start. I knew I had moved quite a bit but I didn't know what that meant. "Did it mean I we had to start over?" "Did I mess some thing up?" "Did anyone see me move?" "Hello out there?"

I thought someone might come over the speaker and say some thing, like, "We saw you move, it's no big deal, just keep going." The Techs said they could see and hear me if I needed anything so I called out "Hello?", no response, I started to feel stupid, trying not to move but letting out a weak "hello" for the second time. No one was responding or giving me any instructions. Then I got scared. "Is anyone even there", "Are they out to lunch?" I yelled for a third time and still nothing. Then a single tear rolls down my face and then I knew it, Oh GOD, I am having a panic attack. My mind was racing, "Get me out of here!" I had one other panic attack in an MRI machine shortly after my diagnosis. Once I started to cry I started to feel really sorry for myself. Like if I was looking down and watching this from above, I would feel really sorry for that girl. Kind of a weird concept, but by now my breathing was elevated and I am not supposed to change my breathing too much. I knew the test was blown. FINALLY the techs rushed into the room to save me. "Where were they, why didn't they come or respond to me?" Turns out the lead door that seals me in to the room swings open so slowly because it is so thick and heavy

All in all it was a horrible experience and guess what!....I had to go back the next day to finish the dry run. I was able to pull myself together to drive home but I decided in that time that I needed Brian's mother to come back out again to help me. The stress of daycare arrangements, scheduling and caring for the kids along with Radiation and other DR appts is going to be really hard. So for all my friends and family who were encouraging me, I am going to accept help. Gram had offered and is happy to come out for a three week visit and help with the kids. Thank god for my family. Poor Brian, felt so helpless, being in North Carolina at the time. It seems like every time I have a major problem he is away trying to do his job. Of course, the reason I don't have as many problems when he is around is probably because...he is around. He alleviates that stress for me and remembers things that I don't remember from the Dr's. He was so upset he canceled his travel for next week so I will have help until Brian's Mom get into town.

So last night (at 7:00PM) I had to finish the test dry run. I was less stressed this time. I had the kids with my friend Sarah, and I listened to music before hand and OH Yeah, I took a anti-anxiety pill too, to take the edge off. HAHA Love my medication. I talked to the Dr and asked that the techs communicate with me through out the whole test so I know how long I have to go, just to let me know someone is there. They were all really nice and sorry that I struggled the day before. I got through it fine. With thirty mins on the gurney, I was done. Thank God.

It seems that my plan is pretty complicated because they are trying to radiate these tough locations such as the spot in the middle of my chest between my ribs. This requires a lot of maneuvering. Where most patients only have a couple mins of radiation, I will more likely have about 30 mins. My friend who just finished radiation, she only had 2 and half minutes but of course "I'm special", I have 30 mins. The Tech last night said that he has not seen such a complex plan. I am not sure if that is good or bad. This whole process really caught me off guard. I know I have a complex case but why do I need to add drama to the situation??? I am sure this kind of thing has happened before, I know a lot of people who have had panic attacks and also attacks in MRI's machines etc. So I am not embarrassed but I want to work to avoid it next time.

Like I said it has been a crazy week, in the midst of all this, I joined a new a support group aimed to help kids. It is called Monkey Business and the kids, ages 2-15 meet in one room and the parents meet in another all talking about how to help the kids deal with Cancer in their family. I think Paige has handled the whole thing wonderfully so she really saw this as a play date kind of thing because they made crafts and read books, etc. I get to this meeting all annoyed at the scheduling issues and the driving I will be doing over the next 6 weeks. We sit down to meet everyone and hear their stories. As we go around the room, a man starts to tell us his story and I am so sorry tell you all this, but this poor man is basically dying of prostate cancer......It was so hard to hear his story because he has very little hope. What do you say? He has two children and they are scared and devastated. In that one moment, for me, it all came flooding back for me. Why was I going through all this? There is a reason, a good reason. I plan on living....I have plenty of hope and that is why I do this. I do it because I want to live a long life and don't plan on this thing coming back.

That meeting put it all back in perspective. I am the lucky one. I am going to be OK and with some hard work I will get my life back. Sooner than later too. So off I go to Radiation with a new sense of purpose.

I will be in the car a lot so I am getting a earpiece headset so I can talk on my cell hands-free. So maybe you will be hearing from me as I pass the time in the car. =)

Love you guys