Slowly making progress

Hello all- Some days Radiation goes very smoothly and other days takes a long time and is proving to be a royal pain. I am about two weeks in and about four weeks to go. I had a tough week last week with frustration and disappointment but this week things have gone fine.

We went to San Diego two weekends ago which was a fun but long trip. We chose to drive home late on Sunday night and got in about 1:00 am. I had to pull myself out of bed on Monday morning to get to radiation by 8:00 am only to find out that the machine was down. No machine, no treatment. The therapists (the ones who run the machines) were not able to get the message to me in time to prevent me from traveling the hour up there to find out I was out of luck. I was so furious that of all days, I was exhausted and I drove all the way up there only to turn around and drive home and I did not even get a session of therapy under my belt. The more sessions I get, the closer I am to finishing. So I missed two days because of the machine and those days gets tacked onto the end of the therapy timetable.

Then on Thurs. the Dr. was moving and shifting my body so they got the perfect position that I laid in one position (with my arms over my head) for almost an hour. I was in so much pain that tears were running down my face by the end of it. I had to just lay still and take it because if I were to quit or move I would only have to repeat it tomorrow. So it was in my best interest to just get through it. On Friday it was better. As they were positioning me I would lower my arms to give them a rest and that worked better. I have to do what I can to make the experience work for me. I get mad at them, but they are only trying to give me the best result. So I understand what they are trying to do but I still am angry and I take it out on them in my head. Which makes no sense, it is not really their fault.

I am having a hard time shaking my anger. I am just so tired of everything and I find I am projecting it on people who are either unrelated or not responsible for my anger. It is unrealistic and really makes no sense but sometimes I need a person to blame for my problems. I can't blame cancer. It is fruitless.

So I am up at 6:00 and out the door by 7:00 for the radiation appt at 8:00. Sounds like a job, huh? I get through radiation for the day, it is about 10:00 am when I get home. If it is a good day, then I can get started on the rest of my day. If it is a bad day, then it really deflates me for the rest of the day. I feel lethargic and tired. I nap a lot now as they warned me that radiation tires you out. So far I am not seeing any side effects such as skin burns or redness. They say to expect it in the third or fourth week. So I am trying to stay ahead of it by moisturize my skin as much as possible. Both Monday and Tues were very smooth, in and out in 30 mins.

Good news, my Mother in law is back to help out. For the next three weeks, she will be able to take care of the kids and Brian can travel when he needs to knowing that I am taken care of. I think her visit will be better for him than for me, although it is good for me too. He tends to put the weight of the world on himself and just be knowing I am OK gives him the ability to go to work and do his job.

We had a great weekend in San Diego. We went to the pool and hot tub and I did not wear my wig. A big step for me. I feel like people immediately know I have cancer when they see the short hair but you know what, who cares, I won't see these people again and if they wondered, who cares, it is not my responsibility to fill them in. I wonder why I am so worried about hiding it still but I guess it just gets back to privacy. I don't want to be seen as a spectacle, my hair is just short not a big deal, right?. I am getting closer to "the big reveal". No wig. My hair is only about 1/2 inch long but I am thrilled. I colored it today to give it the appearance of more thickness. I think it looks pretty good, considering, but we will see if I have the guts to go out in public or not.

Paige continues to love her Monkey Business group. It is very natural for her to tell people all about it. "I am going to my club. It is for kids who's Mommy's or Daddy's have Cancer." Very matter of fact, which is good. It is a part of her life, she should embrace it. She seems to be handling everything so well. One issue I did not address with Paige is the fact that you could die from cancer. I just figured why go there if I don't need to right now, but in the group they covered that topic and I cringed a bit because I wasn't sure how she would handle it. Come to find out she is fearful of that but she is as hopeful as I am. Hope is important.

I wanted to mention again how wonderful it is to get cards and messages from friends and family almost a year into this ordeal. I hear from Brian's side of the family a lot which is so nice. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I have reconnected with so many people that I sometimes have a hard time keeping up with responses so if I am slow, I am sorry. It is a wonderful problem to have, too many people to respond to. I love talking with everyone, please don't feel put off, I couldn't do it without you all.

Britt