Merry Christmas

Hello all- Hope you are ready for Christmas, I certainly am. With Chemo on The 17th, I was forced to be prepared as though the 17th was practically Christmas Eve. I feel when I go into a chemo treatment, I know I am out of pocket for a week so it feels like I am going on some sort of messed up vacation. I clean off my desk, pay the bills, and try to wrap up everything because I won't be revisiting it for a bout 6 days. So I am pretty well set for Christmas minus some wrapping. Chemo was fine. My Mom and Brian are taking good care of me. A nice perk of this whole thing, is working with the American Cancer Society, they have a program called "Look good, feel better". Basically all these makeup companies donate makeup and a woman teaches you how to apply makeup while going through chemo. Your skin gets really dry, and in some cases women lose their eyebrows and eye lashes. I am lucky I never lost my eye lashes or eye brows (some small blessings) but I still wanted to go because you get about $250 worth of free makeup. It does make you feel better to have all this shiny new makeup to play with. Anyway, I met a woman my age also going through Chemo. She is 30 and has luychemia. I was telling her that most the women I run into are older. She said in her case most people are younger as Lukemioa is usually a disease common in children. Anyway, she was nice and I hope to connect with her again.

So Mom and I made Christmas cookies today ( actually she did most of it, I just kind of hoovered around) and Paige wrapped some presents, and overall we will have a nice Christmas holiday. My father is set to fly in on Tues. He has been battling bad weather in his part of the country losing electricity for almost 9 days. I am sure he will appreciate the somewhat warm weather of CA.

Chemo 4 & Chemo 5 on Dec 17th

Hi everyone, sorry I have not been keeping up on more updates. I know you get a lot from the blog but at this point I am in the groove with less urgent updates. I have my Chemo dates set. Chemo on Dec 17th and then again on Jan 7th and then I am done. I even have my surgery and followup tests set. If all goes according to plan, I should have my followup Pet Scan/CT in early January. This will be a very important test result. It will determine the direction of surgery and my next steps. I am tentatively set for surgery end of Jan. I have to wait at least three weeks after my last Chemo to fully heal and have no chance of infection, etc.

I have actually reached a point where I have some sense of a routine and the constant updates of the summer seems to have dissipated. I am in a place now where I am finally reflecting on the serious side of this disease and the steps I still need to take before it is over. I read a couple stories of other survivors such as Lance Armstrong and I just finished a book "Why I wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy". In their stories, they were so serious, devastated and scared. I guess I had been viewing this disease as some sort of project that will be over in about a year. It never occured to me to be scared that a recurrence is a real possibility and God forbid, I might have to do this all over again. A friend I used to play softball with, I recently found out she had a recurrence and has battled breast cancer twice. I don't think I could take it, if that happened to me. Those kinds of thoughts have been in the forefront lately. Even though these thoughts creep up, I can't assume the worse case scenario. I have to move forward with the course I am on. Being scared does nothing as far as change anything so it is better to be positive with what I have accomplished so far.

I also trying to get finished with Christmas shopping and preparations because I am anticipating not being up for much after the 17th. We are looking forward to a good Christmas. My mother, Father and sister will be visiting and Erin is a perfect age to really begin to understand Santa and presents. I will be feeling better by the time Christmas comes but I don't know if I will be able to enjoy Christmas dinner with my taste buds getting so messed up. This past time, everything tasted overly salty, sweet or savory. I was resorting to eating Pretzels, popcorn and cereal. Thankfully it only lasts a couple days.

I went to a support group last week with other breast cancer survivors and the ladies were very nice. They were all around 50 and 60 years old. I am still searching for someone to lean on who is my age now. I know it is not as common though. From these ladies, I heard stories of really bad reactions to Chemo. I felt lucky that I don't have those terrible side effects. They had troubles like swollen legs and ankles, cold sores, throwing up to the point of malnutrition, back pain, hospitalization for blood transfusions. All I feel is under the weather for 5-6 days. When you put it in perspective, I feel lucky.

Lately, I noticed after Chemo, the very next day I feel the effects. I lay around a lot and sleep a lot instead of a 2-3 day delay. I have very little motivation to do anything. By the 4th and 5th day, my motivation is back but my body is not. It is frustrating when I feel in my head, I am ready to get back to my life but I am still tired and lethargic. By day 6, I am ready to "reenter life" again. I tell my friends "I am back". I am able to take care of daily things and pick up all the loose ends that I blew off for a week. It feels good to be back. And after that I am my usual self.

Have a wonderful Christmas if I don't get to report in until after Christmas.

Britt

Happy Thanksgiving

A very happy Thanksgiving to all of our friends and family, Britt and I are very thankful for all of the love and support we have received this year. Today Britt is resting after receiving chemo yesterday, but she is looking forward to dinner later on. Paige says hello and Happy Thanksgiving, and says she is looking forward to helping me with dinner.

Chemo three- half way

I love my husband. What a beautiful entry he wrote. He is so good to me and I am so grateful of the unconditional support, love and encouragement he has given me. Without him I would be truly lost. I had a fabulous birthday thanks to him and my friends. I had lunch with my Mom friends here in town, we always like getting together just to talk and catch up. Of course the kids were there wreaking my friend, Denise's house but that was OK. Then Brian, my Mother in Law and the kids went to dinner at our favorite little Italian rest in town. We had Trick or Treating on Friday and Brian was able to walk around with me and the kids this year because Mom was back at the house happily giving out candy. Erin was so cute. She caught on right away and her favorite candy is lollipops. Over the weekend, our wonderful friends, Katie and Jim and Malia and Jon joined us at Pietra Santa, at the house on the winery property where we had a grand old time making dinner, toasting and catching up. Katie is also a Breast Cancer survivor and was one of the first people I called when I got my diagnosis. She is five years out and we celebrated that too. I can't wait to celebrate my five year survivor status. All and all is was a great birthday except that I have to admit that I am now 38. Only a couple years from the big 40.=)

I had my third session of Chemo on Weds. Similar effects as last time except that it seemed to hit me a little quicker than previously. On Sat I had a bad bout of cramps and nausea. My family was there to help out but just as I think I will know what to expect, things change on me. My Mother, Carole, has flown in from New Hampshire and will be staying with us for about four months. At least until Jan. And my Mother in Law, Nancy has flown home to Philadelphia where she will resume her retirement. She was a great help to me and my family and we truly could not repay her for her generosity to literally drop her life to spend four months with us through this tough time. Thank you so much, Mom.

Brian says that the Chemo will start to effect me harder now that my body is not as quick to recover from each session. Frankly, I am starting to dread this. I am only half way through and I just am getting tired of it. I have been reflecting lately on how much further I have to go. It is not like after Chemo everything is back to normal, I still have surgery to consider and radiation as well. I think about it and look at myself in the mirror and honestly can't believe it sometimes. It is really surreal. Do I really have Breast Cancer? Could it all be a huge mistake?

I guess I have been thinking about these milestones more because I have decided to work with a Patient Advocate at Stanford Hospital. As I get closer to surgery I have to get more tests and reengage with my surgeon, and get on her surgery schedule. Instead of trying to set all the appts myself, I was told about Patient Services who can help. So thankfully I have connected with someone who was able to set all my appts and tests for me. She got most everything lined up in an afternoon where it would have taken me a week to get a hold of everyone in the times I needed. I think the Advocate thinks I am "high maintenance" though, HAHA, like I have a reputation for blowing up and being impatient from last time. HAHA Oh well, I don't care, I am getting the help I need to maneuver Stanford.

Paige's 6Th birthday is coming up. Her party is this weekend. We are having it at a local park. I could not imagine telling Paige that she couldn't have a party this year just because Mom is sick. Why should she suffer because of me. But it is much more simple than in the past. For the folks reading this on the East coast, yes, we can still have outdoor parties here in California. Sorry for all the cold weather elsewhere. Brian's birthday is Sunday as well. It is always a busy time of year for us but we are looking forward to going to San Fran for the day. I will be felling better by then.

Last entry I promised a picture of myself in my wig. I have attached it. What do you think?

Take care everyone,

Britt

Today is Britt's Birthday

Today is Britt's 38th Birthday, and it marks the 12th Birthday I have celebrated with her. We will be having a special dinner with a 2 couples who are flying in from Portland this weekend. Birthdays are very special to Britt, in part I think because they are so close to Halloween. This has meant we have thrown or participated in quite a few Halloween parties over the past twelve years. She is very demanding about our costumes. Since I have known her she has gone as Mrs. Roper from "Three's Company", Martha Stewart (or prisoner # 96356), Million Dollar Baby Boxer, and we have dressed as couples, as The Mass Turnpike (don't ask, but we won second prize), Anthony and Cleopatra, a surgeon and his patient, Sigfried and a White Tiger (topical as always), and my personal favorite a Cheeseburger (we won 1st prize for that one). I personally am feeling less pressure to not have to come up with a costume this year, but I am really looking forward to the dinner.

Birthdays are a time for reflection for both the past year, and for the progress we have made in our lives. This birthday has so much extra meaning, that I have been reflecting on both in regards to Britt over the past 3 days. First the past year; Last December as some of you know I had a high blood pressure scare, I was rushed to the hospital with blood pressure of 220 over 110. To say this was scary was an understatement, but my biggest fear in the ambulance on the way to the hospital was never seeing Britt again. To make a long story short the Doctors don't have any idea what happened except to say the combination of stress, extra weight, and bad diet caused my body to send a warning signal. As Britt walked into the Emergency room that night, we both cried, and I made a vow to change my life. With her support I have lost over 55 pounds, and kept it off. My blood pressure and cholesterol are within normal ranges and I am exercising regularly. I used to joke that I would work hard, play hard and flameout early, but the truth is, I could not be without her.

The day after I passed the 50lb mark we received the diagnosis that Britt had Breast Cancer, talk about you world crashing down around you. In typical fashion Britt was strong as a rock. She was adamant that she would not be described as a Cancer Victim, and only wanted to focus on the course of action necessary to get to end result of being Cancer Free. It is a testament to who she is that three days after she had her Lumpectomy she insisted we go on our planned family vacation to Yosemite and Lake Tahoe. Some of you did not, or might not understand this, after all she had Cancer how could we just up and go on Vacation. First of all there was no treatments they would do for us during this time, secondly Britt felt that to cancel would be to give in. She didn't want to sit around all day feeling sorry for herself, and she didn't want her family to feel sorry for her either. I myself was feeling pretty sorry for myself, but it's hard to look at Britt doing a hike, or playing with the girls in the Merced River, or watching a sunset over Tahoe and not gain strength from it.

As regular readers know the rest of the summer was played out in a series of increasingly frustrating set of Doctor's appointments, PET/MRIs, and follow ups. What you might not know is that Britt has acted as her own scheduler, document gatherer, information officer and chief advocate. She has had to negotiate a tangled bureaucracy of three different hospitals, 8 different doctors, and a myriad of insurance issues. For the most part she has handled this the way she handles everything, straight forward with a strength and resiliency that is amazing.

Today and this week I celebrate Britt, the love of my life. I celebrate her not because of the cancer but because today, as on every October 30th, (and quite frankly quite a few other days as well), she reminds me of what it is like to be a great wife, mother, and person. I draw from the well of her strength regularly in times of weakness, I marvel at her ability to stay the course in rough seas, and I bask in the warmth of her love for me and the girls.

Happy Birthday Britt

Two down and 4 to go

I had my second session of Chemo on Weds. It went pretty smoothly. The Chemo port worked and it was painless to use. Thankfully!! I don't need any more glitches. Brian dropped me off so he could watch Erin that day and then picked me up again after the four hours. Denise watched Erin for a couple hours and Shawna picked up Paige from School and she played at her house, which she loves.

During Chemo the nurses give you a big dose of Benedryl first off when you start, I quickly fell asleep and slept for about two hours. I even woke myself up snoring, (how embarrassing). Other patients around me were asleep as well so I don't think they minded. I ate lunch, read my People magazine that my sister in law so kindly sent me a subscription. And before I knew it, Brian was there with Erin to sit with me for the last hour. Erin did fine in the room, she does not know what is going on. Now Paige, on the other hand, would have hated being there. She would not be caught dead in this medical office let alone in the Chemo room with everyone hooked up to IV's. She hates hospital settings, etc.

I really have felt good since Weds, the daily steroid really keeps me going. I am a little shaky, a little bit of stomach issues, and a little bit of sleeplessness but no big deal. Sure enough on Sunday-Tues, I felt my lowest, I think because the Steroid buoys me up enough to go on with normal life and then when the steroid is stopped then I go down too. Also I learned the type of medicine I am on it is common to hit a low after day 5-7 after treatment. I felt lethargic, shaky, and just wiped out. Thankfully it was a quiet week, Brian was traveling, my mother in law got Paige to school and back and I just slept and watched TV and played with Erin. Good friends, Sara, Heidi and Dawnie all cooked yummy meals for us, which was really nice. My main sympton which is driving me crazy is my taste buds. Either things taste different than I remember or believe it or not, things taste like butter. Yes, butter. Everyting tastes too rich and creamy, such as cheese and certain crackers and bread. It s very odd and drives me crazy. I have a good appetite but I am not enjoying anything but sweets. Things that are sweet like Ice cream taste the same if not sweeter.

Each day I have felt better and I am glad to be reentering the world. Today, Weds, I went to the gym for a little while and then a Dr. appt. I got home around 1:00 and was a little wiped out but I know I will be even better tommarrow. The Medical office that I go to has a guest speaker/Cancer Survivor come every year and they have an open house and appetizers, etc, a little party for the patients and staff. Last year, Peggy Fleming was the guest speaker. I guess she had cancer. This year, Meredeth Baxter, (from "Family Ties" TV show in the 80's) is speaking. She apparently also had breast cancer. So I will get to meet her tomorrow. The whole family is going, it should be fun.

I have been struggling with the wig a bit. Frankly, I felt really uncomfortable. It was itchy and I did not feel like myself. I was self conscience and I hated that. So Kara took me to get some of the wig cut down and restyled and I like it better now. Frankly, I don't wear it around the house though, I wear hats mostly. The wig is for outward appearances, in fact, the other day the Direct TV guy came to the door unexpectedly and I had to run upstairs and "put my hair on" for the repair guy. HAHA. I take it off and on a couple times a day based on when I have to go out. Oh well, what you do for beauty. I like it now and and feel like I can get used to it. In my next entry I will send a picture of myself now with my new do.

A lot of people have been checking in on me to see how I am doing, so I figured I better get out the latest update so people don't worry. I am doing well and as they say, Hanging in there.

Britt

Bye Bye Hair

Well it is done. A couple days ago I started seeing extra hair in my brush. I knew it this was coming I just didn't expect it so soon. I expected to make it through my next Chemo session but I guess the medicine was working because as each day went by, more and more hair was coming out. Then about three days ago, when I washed my hair, I tried to wash so tenderly and hardly even blow dried it for fear of more coming out. It was everywhere and I couldn't stop it. As some of you know, I have very thick hair so even after all the hair I had lost, I still have a full head of hair. If I didn't touch it or comb it was fine, the minute I did anything to it, forget about it. I had a last fleeting hope that if I got a shorter hair cut, it would some how slow it down or maybe not be so noticeable but by that last weekend, we knew I was fighting the inevitable. I made it through one last evening with my Mom Friends here in town. We got together for dinner. I was sheddding but I looked presentable enough to get through the night.

The next night Brian, Paige, Erin and I had a haircut party. Paige modeled all my hats and wigs and we had bought clippers and Brian slowly cut off my hair. I won't tell you it was not emotional because it was. It was really hard for Brian as well. What husband would ever dream of doing this to their wife? But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, it was so personal I didn't want anyone else there. We cried but we also laughed. Brian (the complete amateur that he is) gave me several memorable haircuts. First he cut up the sides and created a comb over. I looked like Aldof Hitler with his shaved sides and long comb over on top. Then he shaved higher and I looked like either a marine or a White supremesist!! (I think I would rather look like a marine) Then he shaved me a Mohawk. That was funny and every step of the way, I would look in the mirror, be shocked but I would slowly get used to what I was seeing. The finished product was more like Sigorney Weaver in Aliens. So it is done. I put on one of my new hats and we began to get used to it.

Paige was wonderful during the whole process, she brought me stuffed animals to comfort me and she even video taped some of it, she would make me laugh when I needed her to and she told me I was still the most beautiful Mommy she ever had. I love that kid!!. Erin was great in her own way too. The fact is, she doesn't look at me any different, children don't judge. To her, I am still her Mom, no matter what I look like. Thank God for that.

The next day, I tried on my wigs. They are a little uncomfortable but will be fine. I will get used to them. I keep telling myself it is only hair, I am still the same person. I am still the same person.

I am ready for Chemo this week and hope the medicine continues to work. This better be worth it!!!

Britt

Feeling good

I am feeling good and more like myself lately. I had my Surgery to replace my Chemo port yesterday. I have some aches and pains and I am on some good meds but doing OK. I will be ready to use the port for my next session, thankfully because my forarms and veins where the medicine went in my arm have been killing me. My arm aches like it is going to bruise up but it never did.

A couple stories.

An endearing story recently came from Paige. She and I were playing Veterinarian and she had several "sick" Stuffed animals around her bed. One she had tucked into her sheets and had the covers pulled up to it's chin. She told me that this Polar bear had Cancer too. The same cancer that I have and this Polar bear will soon lose it hair as well. But this bear does not need wigs or hats this bear needs a new fur coat and fur pants to keep it warm. So we bundled the bear in a furry "sleeping bag" that would pass as pants and a coat. She was very matter of fact in her story and I think it shows that like all of us she has accepted Cancer in our household and since it has been incorpate in our lives, it gets incorporated in her play as well.

I finish with a funny story:
As I may have mentioned my taste buds have been messed lately as a result of the Chemo. I don't even enjoy wine right now, which for those of you who know me it is huge!!! =). Anyway, I was at a DR. appt and I had just eaten one of those Immodium chew able tablets and I hate the chalky taste in my mouth so I was rummaging around in my purse to find a mint or something and I found a packet of those mouth mint strips. Those strips you lay on your tongue and they dissolve. I put one on my tongue and within seconds I was jumping up and begging the nurse for water. "I NEED WATER, I need WATER". With my taste buds exposed, the strip was burning!!! The nurse must have thought I was crazy but quickly got me a cup. It's always something!!!

More soon,

Britt

Recovery from Chemo

Hello all, First off I wanted to add another link to the blog of dear friends Vin and Nicole Christian. They have also chosen to "Walk for the Cure" through the American Cancer Society. It is so awesome that my story has somehow influenced someone else to take action for such a great cause. So if you did not get a chance to donate before, here is another chance, his race is this weekend.

(cut and paste the whole line into your web browser)
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY09Eastern/617699289?px=8175863&pg=personal&fr_id=11628

The last week has been a real pain. I was feeling OK from the Chemo after day 2 and 3. They expected I would feel OK because I was taking a Steroid that buoys you up. Then on Day 4, they stop the steroid and sure enough I wilted like a flower. I was shaky, woozy, tired and lethargic. It was a lot like having the flu. I napped a lot on Sunday and on Monday. In the early evenings I had enough energy to take a shower but maybe you can remember a time when you had the flu and decided to take a shower in hopes of feeling better and the next thing you knew, you were back in bed with wet hair wondering why you did that. I did rally in the evening and had nice dinners that Brian prepared.

My Mother in Law, Nancy who has been with us all summer in preparation for the eventuality, was so awesome. What a weight off my mind knowing that the household and kids were taken care of while I was out of it. My sister also came to visit over that weekend to help out and she was great as well. We went wig shopping. I expect to start having to wear the wig somewhere between session 2 and 3, maybe mid to late Oct. So for my local friends reading this, if you see me with a different "look" you can guess what has happened. Heavy sigh, Oh well.

In case you don't know much about Chemo drugs in general, they are meant to kill fast growing or fast re-generating cells in your body. So Cancer cells are fast growing but so are other healthy cells such as hair follicles, lining of your stomach, your mouth and taste buds among other things. These health fast growing cells are also killed, that is why the hair loss. Also that is why nausea is an issue because your stomach is all messed up. So my tongue feels weird now. It feels like I burned it. I assume it will be like this for a while. I liken the odd new symptoms with being pregnant. When you are pregnant all these strange things start happening, like you don't recognize your own body function anymore. When you are pregnant you just have to deal with all the uncomfortable symptoms because you know that it will be over soon. Same with me, I have to deal with all these annoying symptoms and get through it. It will be over soon enough, I just don't have the baby once it is all said an done.

Being out of commission last weekend really set me back once I did start feeling better. I have been bombarded with DR appts. Appts to replace the Chem port, Follow-up appts, heart scans to be sure the meds aren't hurting my heart and shots to raise my white blood cell counts. Since the Chemo started last week, I feel like this thing has really taken over my life, which really makes me mad. Even through the summer, I was able to get away from it for a while and be normal. Right now, between trying to catch naps, feeling symptoms and Dr's appts, I have lived and breathed this thing.

I think there is light at the end of the tunnel though. As we come into Day 10 since Chemo, I am feeling good and hope to put the last two weeks in the past and be back in the swing of things. Paige is playing Soccer and we have games on the weekends. I do have a procedure on Monday to replace the Chem-port and a weekly follow up appt and that should be it until Chemo again on Oct 15th.

I keep getting the most wonderful cards and packages in the mail and phone calls from faraway and local friends. Thank you for your continued support. I love hearing from everyone and thanks to everyone's positive thoughts, I am getting a firm handle on this part of my marathon.

Love you all.

Britt

Highly Curable

Never have two words sounded so good! This was from Dr. Christopher Perkins who is head of California Oncology, where Britt will be receiving her Chemo, Herceptin and hormonal treatments. Although he is based in Fresno, he wanted to come to the Turlock office yesterday to meet with Britt and I and review our case. His specialty is Breast Cancer and he was very interested in Britt's case. For what seems like the first time in this whole ordeal we were able to actually review the entire case from diagnosis to this point, and it was really helpful. He also laid out for us our plan of treatment from start (Chemo Therapy) to finish (Hormone Therapy). Although we had been very scared over the past few days about the upgrading to Stage III and the fact the cancer seemed very aggressive, he pointed out that when they label Stage III as having a 50% recurrence rate, that is a somewhat misleading number, in that it encompasses all cases, without regards to treatments.

Britt's case is unique and "highly curable" because her cancer is Estrogen Receptive, and has Her2 positive. This occurs in only about 20% of breast cancer cases, and actually gives us two paths of treatments. If you are not very medically inclined, I am going to try and explain these two points as best I can. Estrogen produced naturally in the body has been linked to Breast Cancer in the body, and several studies have showed that the blocking of the Estrogen can stop new formation of tumors, and the spread of the disease. The second factor the presence of the Her2 gene, is both good and bad news. The bad news is that this is what makes the cancer aggressive. The good news is that the drug Herceptin is for use with this. Herceptin responds to the presence of the Her2 gene in a cancer cell, binding itself to it, and essentially smothering it, as well as attracting white blood cells to the cancer cells to kill them. The combination of these two therapies, mean the chance for no relapse in the next 5 years is higher than 85%.

So the new treatment plan is as follows, Chemo Therapy for the next 18 weeks, with Herceptin given concurrently for a year. Surgery will follow chemo, and radiation will follow the surgery, and finally hormone treatments (with the drug Tamoxifan) for 5 years.

We are truly on a path now, and that is of course very rewarding. Although there are of course no guarantees, we feel good about our odds. Britt and I are very thankful to all of our friends and family who whether near or far have been there to provide support, whether it is to send a e-mail, card, enter the Race for the Cure, drop off a meal, or any of the other myriad expressions of support we have received it has been remarkable to realize the support we have out there.

We'll keep you posted.

Brian

First day of chemo

Thank you for the response to our crazy news, everyone we talked to was as shocked as we were and at least we know our response was quite justified. Shock, anger, disbelief. I warn you, this is a long blog entry for me. I hope everyone out there in cyber land is able to get these entry's, if not, cut and paste them to friends who aren't so computer savvy.

Brian did a good job explaining the basic reasons for the strategy shift away from surgery to Chemo but a question that we keep getting is: Why didn't they go with this strategy earlier?? And to be honest we have not gotten a great answer for that one either. If this drug is so great then why not start it right away? There are a lot of reasons but the best explanation is, the Dr.s knew the cancer had spread to the lymphnode and they knew chemo/radiation would got those spots once we finished with any surgery we could do. It wasn't like they didn't know they were there, they just put a higher priority on the tumors they found on the breast. The usual direction is surgery, chemo then radiation if necessary. When the new information came back and the "hot spots" on the PET scan came back more intense, it was actually admirable
that the surgeon stood up and forced the new direction.

What sucked so bad (sorry, do children read this?) for me was our bags were packed for the surgery. I was geared up for the pain recovery, etc and for three nights away and frankly looking forward to catching up on a good book, magazine or movies with out kids. Brian and I were even considering going to an grown up movie (not a kiddie movie) by our selves that night before surgery. Then the DR came into the room and her first words were "You aren't going to be very happy with what I have to say". Let's just say I was livid and I am sick of holding my tongue with DR's so I let her have it. First I was most pissed that they did not call me ahead of time to give me a glimmer of a hint that things may be changing (up until that point I had avoided that kind of shock since way back in June when I found out I needed to have chemo and lose my hair for the first time. I hate the surprise factor in a DR. office setting when only wearing a hospital robe. It feels so vulnerable. (As it turns out, she only got this news on Friday and worked over the weekend and into Monday morning to get answers from five other Drs including the head of the Tumor Board who reviews all the special cases, she did do her best but still a phone call would have been nice.)

Second, I was furious that I had been messing around with all these F***in appts all summer when this thing was growing bigger. Yes, I did drop an F-bomb, Brian was quite proud...HAHA The extra time we took to confirm the additional spots on my breast were cancer and try save my breast may have worked against me or it my be for the best, it allowed us to have enough time to pass to allow us to see the dramatic changes and make adjustments quickly. We could go back and forth about what I could have done, what this DR or that DR could have said or done but the strategy before was a good one and the strategy now is a good one too anything else is futile. So we just have to overcome the mental part of it. Brian was WONDERFUL on Monday and he was wonderful again for my first day of Chemo today. (see below). He was so strong and said all the right things and was gentle and helpful and he drove about 8 hours on Monday. We were at the Stanford office sorting this out for about 3 hours and then they booked us a meeting with our Oncologist the same afternoon and we drove all the way over there to meet with him and get plans set. Palo Alto (Stanford) is near the Coast of CA and we drove up to Oakland and then over mountains and down to the Central Valley to get to the next appt by 4:00. We were exhausted but, boy was Paige happy to see us when we got home, she thought she would not see us for three nights. It was a nice surprise.

Tues was an odd day, I kind of just wandered around the house with very little do to. I had wrapped up most things, packed, cleaned off my desk and I didn't want to start anything new because I knew I had Chemo on Weds. Went over to a friend's house to join her on the pre-organized play date. Brian grieved a bit that night, I worry that he is having a hard time handling it all. The emotional strain is not just on me. Of course he is strong but we all have that moment of weakness and he needs that support as well.

My grieving was this morning, two days after the switcher-u. I was at the mirror doing my hair and makeup in the morning. Sometimes when you really look at your self, for me, all this self pity and stress rose up and I needed a good cry. I looked at myself and my biggest fear is that I will be fighting re-occurrences my whole life. I fear the Herceptin won't work and they won't go way. I was feeling low and I knew that is not a good place to be as I head into my first Chemo treatment. Brian quickly went to the web and gathered information on this famous Herceptin Drug. And there is so much good news about this drug that it bolstered my spirits. I want to research successful case studies to hear other people's successes and how Herceptin and Chemo helped them.

So we were off to the appt, I was anxious, not even allowing myself to believe I was starting Chemo today, maybe things changed again? I would believe it when I was sitting in the chair with the IV in my arm. Months ago I had a Chemical port installed in my upper chest on the right side away from the affected breast. Some of you who saw me this summer might recognized it. (If you are queasy, then skip reading the next couple sentences). It is a round unit that sits right under the skin so nothing is sticking out or anything but with bathing suits and certain tops you can see it the bulge. Anyway, this thing has been my nemesis all summer, 4 months of tests and talking, never needed the chem port at all. Basically the port has tubes that link directly to your heart valves and blood stream so the drugs are administered more effectively and with out having to use thinner more fragile veins on your arms and wrists.

So I get to the medical room, it is a large room with two RN's administering the medicine and watching to be sure everything is going smoothly. There were about 4 or 5 other patients and their loved ones there all with IV's of bags of liquid. I got very intimidated and anxious like I was joining the class late and did not know anyone and didn't know what to do, so Brian and I beelined it for the corner, maximum privacy. The very nice Nurse goes to install the IV in my handy dandy Chem port and I feel searing pain and pressure when she flushes it with saline. There was a sharp pain and then aches in my shoulder muscle. The DR came over and quickly determine if there is pain then the unit can not be used because if there is a leak or if is not functioning correctly then the medicine will not go where it is supposed to go and won't be effective. GREAT, JUST ONE MORE THING TO GO WRONG?!!!! AFTER FOUR MONTHS, THE THING IS BROKEN!!! I was already anxious and because of my bad mood this morning the tears came again right in the big room with all the patients, thank God we were in the corner. I didn't care, I was just so annoyed. Anyway, I have to go tommarrow to get a dye procedure through it to see if I can use it or I need it replaced. More on that later.

So I calmed down and they gave me an IV through my arm veins and finally got things going. So I sit in a relatively comfy lounge chair with pillows and blankets and sit there while they hang small bags of liquid and it drip drip drips into me. The first administered bag was a large dose of Bendryl (directly into my blood stream), that made me so sleepy and woozy but Brian had just left to get me lunch and he got me a Greek Gyro from our favorite place so I stayed awake long enough for him to bring lunch. Then I think I slept after that. I read my magazine, I watched some Seinfeld TV episodes on our DVD player, Brian was there in a less comfortable chair playing his portable video game and fiddled on his Cell phone. It is a slow process and not painful and the staff come back many times so about 5 hours later I was done.

I relate the whole Chemo experience to traveling across country in an airplane all day. My chair is some what comfortable but certainly not a barco lounger or anything, and it does not quite recline far enough back to really allow you to fall asleep, I have blankets and pillows that aren't all that comfortable, the air first was cold then it was hot, I only got up twice to go to the restroom and stretched once I got up. My head felt groggy like I haven't slept all night and I was constantly monitoring my stomach to see if I felt nauseous. Overall it wasn't the worst thing in the world, I have flown in more miserable situations many times. You get through it. Poor Brian travels like that every week.

I have a total of 6 sessions every 3 weeks, so one down 5 to go. The medicine goes all through my body but as that wears off along with anti-nausea medicine, around day three is when I would start to be dehydrated, and spike a possible fever. I thought I would be at my worst on day one, but I guess we will see what day 2 brings. Friends have cooked meals and they have been a welcome sight on a day like today. Even though Brian is the cook in our house, he needs a break too.

I hope I am not over the top with the ghastly details. Sorry,

Paige and Erin and Mrs. K are doing well. Paige wants to type on the blog too so if you get an entry that is all over the place you will know it is from Paige. Paige had three play dates with week so that she had something fun to do this week and my friends were so kind to step up and cook meals and pick up kids. Thank you again, Paige seems to be handling things well. She does mention breast cancer often, which is good and her teacher is on the lookout for anxiety or distraction at school. Erin is oblivious to the situation, thank God, the only thing Gram noticed from her when we are away is that she walks around the house like "where are my parents??", Brian's Mom is geared up and ready to take it on and I feel very comfortable leaving it in her good hands while I deal with this.

Lastly, I want to leave on a positive note, as I always try to do, Today marked the day that I got my first shot at cancer. No more talking about or testing for it. Cancer had its chance to grow and to do its thing and today was the first day I stopped it!! Take that !!!

Thank you to all and I love you for reading our blog and following our lives, we feel so blessed to have all the love in our live.

Britt

Change Of Plans

Unbelievable, that is really all I can say. Just when you think one thing, this disease throws you for a big loop. During a routine pre-operative Pet/CT scan, the doctors discovered that the cancer had spread to lymph nodes below Britt's Pectoral Muscle, and to one of the nodes below her chest plate. These nodes are very difficult to remove, and the surgery to remove them runs the risk of Lymph edema (severe swelling of the arm), loss of the use of her left arm, or worst case scenario, damage to a major artery that runs from the chest to the arm. Worse the appearance of these "hot" nodes means the form of cancer we are dealing with is very aggressive, she has now been labeled Stage III. The positives are that it is still limited to the left chest area, and her cancer appears to be receptive to treatment with Herceptin, a wonder drug in the treatment of Cancer.

The opinion of the Doctors at Stanford is that we postpone surgery, and immediately start Chemotherapy, and Herceptin. The goal is to either eliminate the cancer in these nodes, or at least reduce to where they can attack it with radiation, and to stop the spread of the disease. As one of our Doctors put it yesterday, we need to deal with the distant (lymph nodes) disease, before we can deal with the local disease (Breast). To say that this news was devastating would be an understatement. It took a while for Britt to wrap her arms around the idea of a Mastectomy, but she had come to terms with it. We went to Stanford yesterday fully prepared for that course of action both mentally and emotionally. The new course of action means immediate chemotherapy (she starts tomorrow), and in 18 weeks they will take new MRIs and Pet/CT scans to determine if the Herceptin has worked.

One of the strange things you learn in all of this, is that having Cancer means not having control, right now the disease has total control, and no matter how we try and wrest that control back, the disease is always there to remind you who is in charge.

Brian

Schedule

Good Morning everyone,
Well this is the big week. I wanted to give everyone a schedule of what is going to be happening so you have a pretty good idea of the timing. Britt and I will be leaving for Palo Alto later this morning, we have three pre-op appointments, the Oncology Surgeon, the reconstructive Surgeon and the Anesthesiologist (spell check helped with that one). From there we will have to stay over tonight because Britt's surgery is very early in the AM. They are going to do another procedure first thing in the morning in which they will place a small pin in one of the lymph nodes that is of concern for them, this way they can identify it with the MRI, to ensure they remove it. The anticipate being wrapped up by about early to mid afternoon on Tuesday. From there it will be on to recovery, and hopefully to her room at the Hospital. If all goes well we should be discharged by Thursday. The girls are doing well, although I'm sure Paige will be very anxious over the next couple of days. Britt and I are ready for the week, both of us are very happy to be "taking the fight" to the cancer. We received some very sad news on Saturday when we learned that Cathy Carli, the wife of Pietra Santa's Winemaker Alessio, and a friend of ours was killed in a car accident. Like us they had two little girls, and it puts into perspective both the fragility of our existence, and the opportunity presented to us to be able to receive the treatment that will ensure Britt's complete recovery. So please when you think of us, say a prayer for Alessio and his family as they go through this difficult time. I will update often, as news becomes available.

Gearing up

First off, I want to send you an internet link of my cousin's wife, Susie Heinold who is running a "Race for the Cure" Event raising money for the cause and for little ole' me. That is so cool.

http://race.komenlowcountry.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1030&px=1186541

One of the things I have found with the diagnosis of cancer is how many other people have been touched directly by this disease, so many people have shared their story or that of a loved one. 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with Breast cancer, and as a Mom of two girls, I want to see a cure so that they won't face the same challenges and choices I have faced. If you can donate to this wonderful cause, we thank you. We especially want to thank Susie for running this race.

As I head closer to the date of my surgery, I am in good spirits. Things seem to be moving along and I have a clear course of action ahead of me. An arduous plan is better than no plan. I feel like I am planning to have a baby.. (HAHA) except I am not coming home with a bundle of joy and I won't be waken up every two hours.=) I am packing my bag, wrapping up house and family affairs, thinking of all the things I will not want to deal with later. It is surreal.

I have been going to the gym trying to get in shape for this whole thing. I was kind of feeling sorry for myself the other day, I looked around at the ladies in my class and thought, they look so normal and I look normal too but I am not normal, I have this horrible thing growing in me that I have to get out. I view going to the gym in terms of: before and after, what am I going to wear? Am I going to have the energy to go? What will I wear on my head? I view a lot of things like that now. I know it will pass and it will be better, but in the short term this thing changes everything.

I am out shopping for wigs in preparation for chemo. Even though I was really dreading this part, once I got into it, it was a little fun, (not a lot of fun, but a little). I can go darker, lighter, shorter and longer, anytime I want. The insurance is covering it and I received a wig to "get me started" from the American Cancer Society. They are a wonderful resource.

I am also gearing up for the fall Season, which is traditionally a very busy season for our family, with my birthday, Oct 30th, Brian's, Nov 16th and Paige's Birthday Nov 17th, I am usually swamped let alone Thanksgiving right behind it. So I am already planning for costumes and birthday presents. Who would have thought that cancer would force me to become so organized?

I hope that everyone is hanging in with support and thoughts for me, I know that people get busy and it is hard to keep me in your everyday thoughts. Just know that I love to hear from you and really feel good that you all care so much.

Britt

Sept 23rd, M Day

Looks like I am set for Sept 23rd for my surgery. Wish me luck. I will recover in the hospital for a couple days and then continue recovery at home for the next couple weeks until I begin Chemotherapy. The surgeon will remove the tissue and then a reconstruction surgeon follow right after and will give me a temporary breast until I am ready to have final reconstruction surgery at a later date. A delay is required, I won't go into the details but basically, I will need one more final surgery after it is all said and done to give me a permanent breast and even get a lift on the right side to match the new one. So lucky me, I will look 20 something into my 80's. HAHA That's all for now.

sense of normalcy

Hello all- I have an appt set to meet with the surgeon on Sept 8th. I still do not have a surgery date yet but I am guessing maybe week of Sept 15th. A woman I spoke to recently who is a cancer survivor herself, said that this journey is not a sprint, it is a marathon. I believe it.

I am sure there are questions as to why the Dr's feel they need to remove the whole breast just to get at some really small areas of cancer (no more than 3-5 CM in size). I know my first reaction was "OK then, go in again and let's remove the small areas and then I am on my way." It apparently is not that easy. A couple things: Every time the surgeons go in and operate, there is more damage to my remaining breast tissue and area around it, less chance it would ever look normal anyway. Also the areas are so small they could not guarantee they could even find the additional tumors to remove and lastly, the Dr's can not be sure that even though those areas have and grown to a point of being recognized on an MRI, I could still have more microscopic cancer cells there that Chemo would never kill and I would see much higher chance of recurrence. So in order to be sure I will not see a recurrence, removal is the best option.

Life right now is positively normal!!! Cancer is not on my mind on a constant basis, the rest of my life is however. Paige has started Kindergarten this week and she also has lost her two front teeth!! =) She is saving her tooth fairy money to buy a pet Hamster. I did have the conversation with her new teacher about my diagnosis and likelihood Paige will bring her emotions to school. That was not a fun conversation but her school is being wonderfully supportive.

Erin loves the slides at the park and has learned to climb the ladder with me standing close by and eagerly heads down the slide with no fear and a priceless look of glee on her face. Me, I am going to the gym to get as healthy as I can before all this happens and I have been getting together with my girlfriends and play dates, etc. Like I said, I choose my life over thoughts of Cancer. Believe me, it is still there but it can wait.

I have expressed frustration over how long things take and I have decided to change my thought process. I am enjoying the time before my life is turned upside down further. Why would I want to rush into a surgical bed, rush into loosing my hair? I am not delaying anything, of course. But if they can't get me in until Sept, I will enjoy my time feeling normal.

The "summer of Britt" is over now - as we jokingly referred to it. Coined from the "Summer of George" episode on Seinfeld - but it sure was a great one. Beyond the things Brian mentioned in his post, we also went to the beach near Santa Cruz, Brian and I attended a Kenny Chesney concert, we even redecorated our bedroom so at least if I am sick in bed I can enjoy the fruits of our labor. Again, I am always looking for upsides and having that summer was one for me.

Lastly, I wanted to bring to your attention a show called "Stand up 2 Cancer" on Sept 5th. http://www.standup2cancer.org/theshow. I was planning to watch it especially since Christina Applegate recently revealed she had a double mastectomy because she carried the genetic mutation that links to breast cancer. (By the way, I do not carry the genetic link. My cancer was random not hereditary.) Anyway, it might be an interesting show since all of you reading this know someone who has cancer--me!!

Love to you all.

Britt

The M Word

Well we received the news yesterday that Britt will need a Mastectomy on her left side. As Britt said in her previous post, there are several other areas of concern on that side that have turned up cancerous. Our next step is to meet with a surgeon and schedule the surgery, this will probably happen in the next two weeks. Three weeks after the surgery she can begin chemotherapy. Britt has come to terms with this as best she can, the fact is we have been living with this possibility since May so it is not sudden. Yes it has been since May that we have known, it seems weird that is has been so long. Britt has undergone three surgeries, and by my latest count 16 Dr's appointments since then, and finally we have the final diagnosis, and plan. But in a way this time has actually helped Britt and our family in many ways. It has given us both time to accept the inevitable and time to live. Britt was determined to do as much this summer with her family as she could before major surgery and chemotherapy sidelined her. So when Paige goes back to school on Monday, and she is asked what she did this summer, she can tell them she went to Yosemite, to Great America waterpark, she was splashed by a whale at Seaworld, walked on a tall ship in San Francisco, saw fireworks over Monterey Bay, and played in the surf in San Diego. When you get the news you have cancer the fear can be at times paralyzing, but Britt would not let it affect either her or the girls, and her strength has been amazing. I must also take this time to thank my mother for her help with the girls through all of this, it has made it so much easier. My thanks also to both of my brothers and their wives who despite being miles away have provided their own forms of support. I would also like to thank Britt's mom and sister for their help during the early part of the summer when this news came, and for the help they will be providing in the months ahead. And thank you to all ofyou reading this, for taking the time to keep up with us, and for the cards, and letters, and prayers that you have had for us, it has meant so much for both of us, and gives us strength for the coming days.

Brian

Take the Good with the Bad

I don't have a lot of information but I know that friends and family are waiting to find out the results of the biopsies. I am trying to get a follow up appointment this week or next so I will know more once I talk with the Dr's face to face but the results came back mixed.

The good news: On the right side (the side with no previous cancer) came up negative for cancer. So I am in the clear on the right side. YAH!!! The testing was only precautionary anyway.

The bad news: Of the three small spots that came up on Ultrasound on the left side, two of the three came back cancerous. I believe they were also in the area around the previous cancer. I guess it was somewhat contained on the same side but had spread further than previously thought. This is bad because I am pretty sure the Dr's will be recommending mastectomy of my left breast. How do I feel about that? I have come to terms with the fact this might happen. I am not happy about it at all but I have already met with a plastic surgeon about what it entails and the final result to expect. Although I would rather keep everything intact =), I could live with the result of a reconstruction. More on this later.

This information is based only on a short voice mail message from our Dr. because we had requested the results as soon as possible. I will know more this or next week when they review my results more formally. Again waiting for an appt.

I have been receiving the nicest letters, notes, card and emails from friends and family and Hearing from everyone means so much to me (even though people say this all the time, I really mean it.) A lovely card from my Aunt and Uncle in Maryland, just made me break down and cry it was so touching. I feel very loved and it helps a lot. I know everyone is thinking of me and all those positive thoughts will start to turn things around for me. Even though I am sad about the diagnosis, I am glad to have come to some sort of conclusion at least.

More later of course.

"Waiting is the Hardest Part"

I am sitting in a Waiting Room at Stanford right now as Britt undergoes her first of two biopsies today. This one is an MRI directed Biopsy on her right breast, after she will undergo a regular biopsy on her left breast using the images they took last week on ultrasound. After that we wait for the results which should come by the end of the week. It seems as I sit here. that waiting is what we do most.
I am by my nature a very impatient person, I see a problem, or opportunity and I jump at it, and get it done. This entire process is the antithesis of that. We go for tests, wait for the results, get the results and go for more tests. Don't get me wrong I realize that we have the benefit of some of the greatest Doctors here in the world at Stanford, and that it is important to have a complete and thorough diagnosis, but what I really want is for Britt to be cured, and for this cloud to be off of her and my family. Paige knows what is going on (for as much as a really bright 5 year old can), and this time that we spend away getting tests and more tests leaves her emotionally vulnerable, she told here grandmother the other day that she was scared Mommy wasn't coming home.
I guess the feeling is powerlessness, I am sitting here and there is nothing I can do, and I have never felt more frustrated in my life.

Brian

Biopsys

I went to Stanford on Monday to determine which technology will be used to conduct two more biopsy's of both breasts. They found two small spots on my left breast (which is where they found the first lump) and also found a small spot on my right breast which is indicative of Carcinoma in Situ (meaning it has not spread). So on Tues, Aug 5th I am set to have an Ultrasound Biopsy on my left side and an MRI guided Biopsy on my right. If the results on the left come back more cancer, I am most likly facing a mastectomy on the left. If results come back cancer on the right, then I face more surgery. If they hopefully come back no cancer then barring any other complications, I assume I would start Chemo soon. I don't get results until a couple days after the biopsy's.

I am also meeting with a plastic surgeon on Thurs, July 31st to gain information about breast reconstruction. Not fun stuff but I am trying to come to terms with my options.

I have mixed feelings about waiting for all the testing to be complete and waiting for the meetings with the Dr's, etc. I know that I am doing all the right things in taking this time, I am happy I have gotten all the second opinions because they have brought new things to light. I am also happy I still have my hair, I am not taking any medication right now and I feel great. I have had a pretty fabulous summer but I do not like feeling like I am in limbo. I work on this "project" like it is a part time job. Something that is necessary but annoying. The longer I wait to start Chemo the longer it takes to finish Chemo. And I want to get it over with so it does not occupy more of my time than it already has. I want it to be over so I am closer to being cured.

Will let you know how it goes.

Little bit of history

Hello all, this is my first post and I wanted to give a quick synopsis of my diagnosis and the issues I have already faced in the 2 short months since discovering I have breast cancer. (It is still hard to even type let alone say out loud.) I want not only to record these things for people "just tuning in" but also for myself. This is a journey that I will emerge better than ever but I want to record the steps I will take to get there.

In March, 08, I discovered a lump shortly before going for my annual exam and brought it to the attention of my OB. He sent me for a mammogram and Ultrasound. The Mammogram came back Normal (more on that later) and the Ultrasound found the lump. I could feel it with my fingers so I knew something was there, I just wanted it out. I was not concerned because I had just finished breast feeding Erin in Feb and thought the lump was related to that. In late April, I got my first of many operations, biopsy to remove the lump. The meeting that revealed my diagnosis sticks in my mind. Brian and I were waiting in the office, me not a care in the world, Brian a bit anxious to hopefully hear good news. The Dr. came in briefly but in his arms was my file and before he left and came back, Brian saw the brochure right on top of the file called "Dealing with Breast Cancer". Brian gasp and went white. I was immediately in denial. Then after hearing the confirmation of Cancer, I was still in denial until I heard the words that I would need an Oncologist. That is when I started to cry because I knew that an Oncologist was a cancer Dr. and that is not a Dr that you want to have. We were devastated.

After that the appts, meetings and procedures have been a world wind. I was diagnosed on June 3rd between then and end of July I have had a second operation, hormone testing, 2 MRI's, a PET Scan, Genetic testing, meetings with four specialists, an another Ultrasound and mammogram and another biopsy coming up. In my next entry I will update on the latest tests, etc.

I face Chemotherapy (16 weeks) and Radiation (several weeks) as well as a hormonal (pill) therapy for the next year.

We told Paige the news about mid way through June simply because there were so many appts that she was beginning to wonder where we were going all the time. Brian's mother has graciously come to stay with us for four months while we deal with this and help with the kids. My Mother is set to come in the Fall to help so I am thankful for their help. Erin thankfully will probably not even remember all this but of course both girls will forever need to be tested for Breast Cancer and always be aware of the genetic link. It breaks my heart that I have to put that responsibility on them.

As I have good days and bad, I am thankful as well. I have a wonderful medical community near by at Stanford University. They are the Gold Standard for Cancer research and treatment and I have been tapping into their resources since they are only a 2 hour drive away. I am also thankful that that this disease is completely treatable and curable. There is an established path of success and there is a clear plan for my treatment. I am confident I will get through it but I am clearly dreading the process.

Thank you for your interest and More to come.

Britt

Welcome to our New Blog

Welcome to our new blog! Since June when Britt was diagnosed with Breast Cancer we have received great support from so many of our family and friends, and we know you have all wanted regular updates as to what is going on with her and our family through this. We have decided to create a blog that we will update regularly to provide information on both the medical and personal side of this challenge. This week Britt met with Dr. Stockdale at the Stanford Cancer Center for a consultation, and second opinion. He was also able to read the results of her latest MRI and PET scan. Unfortunately they have found other areas of concern on both, including two areas in her left breast (consistent with previous information), several of the lymph nodes (again consistent with previous information) under her left arm, and a potential area in her right breast (new). This means she will have to undergo another set of Biopsies to determine if these areas are indeed cancerous as well. As of today we are awaiting the scheduling of this, although we anticipate it happening next week. I think the hardest part is the fact that since late May we have been on the diagnostic trail, and haven't been able to move to the treatment trail, there is some satisfaction to having a course of action and moving towards that, and unfortunately we can't do that until we have all of the information. We'll keep you posted.
Brian