I am heading to radiation on Tues. I had all the meetings and all the tests required to get a routine setup everyday (M-F) for the next 6 weeks. I have been having a hard time this week because I thought going into this, that radiation was going to "be a walk in the park". I realize now that nothing about this experience is a walk in the park. Every step of it really stinks. At least I don't lose my hair as with Chemo but radiation has it's own set of restrictions and strain on my life. What I have a hard time with, is facing things that are unexpected. I have really tried throughout this is to gain as much control over things like schedules and planning but even now these things are out of my control.
I went in this past week for a CT scan to basically chart my body so they can determine the best directions and combinations for the light therapy to hit only the areas of possible cancer and not other important parts of my body like bones or internal organs. My heart and lungs are right behind my left breast plate so they want to hit the left breast area but not my heart. That takes meticulous calculations and measurements of this machinery. So I laid perfectly still in this machine for about 45 mins. and they made a cast of my body so I will assume the same position every time for the next 6 weeks. They even measured how my chest rises and falls as I breathe. They don't want any changes in my body from the beginning to the end of radiation or else I need to go through the 45 min CT measurement scan again. I don't want that again so everything stays the same the next 6 weeks. I am also instructed not to lose or gain significant weight during this time. It could throw every thing off.
So once I go through all this, they determine how many minutes I will need the radiation therapy everyday. Long enough where they kill potential cells but not too long where other things are damaged. Only about 10 -20 mins every day. Once they know how long I require the machine, I am given a slot of time to get the daily therapy along with everyone else who has cancer and needs radiation too. So I am competing with all these other people for this radiation machine and chances are I will not get my first choice of time slots. Brian is traveling this week and I have a babysitter, my friend Stephanie, lined up for babysitting of Erin. When she is not available, I have a couple backup options, but I don't really know what I am going to do for daycare while I am in radiation since I don't know when the times are yet. I am trying to plan, but right now it is out of my control along with everything else.
I felt a real turning point finishing Chemo and getting through my Surgery but in reality I am hardly half way through with Radiation and then the final surgery still to go. I really thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel but I feel like it is further and further away and all I feel is disappointment. I have been saving all the cards and notes that all my loved ones have sent me over the last year and as I looked into the box, I realized how packed it was getting. What I wonderful feeling to have all these well wishes and loving support to keep and share.
As always, thank you for supporting me in your own way.
I love you all,
Britt
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
It's not a Sprint, it's a Marathon
We have been busy the last couple weekends. My mother flew home on Feb 10th. I am so grateful to her (and my father) for giving up 3 1/2 months to come and help me take care of the house and children as I go through Chemo and also my surgery. I thank my father for agreeing to hold down the fort in New Hampshire and be without his wife for that long. Both of them made sacrifices for me and my family and I could never repay it. I think in the end Mom was getting pooped out and I don't blame her. My family requires a lot of energy but all and all she got a unique experience to really get to know my kids and how our family runs. Since I was recovering from the surgery so quickly and my next step is radiation, we felt now was the best time for her to get back to her life. Thank you again.
We also just celebrated Erin's 2nd birthday. We had a small party on Sunday and then went away for the rest of the weekend to Sonoma and Napa. I need to make a correction about Erin though, as I mentioned in my last blog entry, she is not 45 lbs., I exaggerated, she only feels that heavy. We just went to her yearly check up and she is in the 90th percentile for height and 95th percentile in weight. A chunky 38lbs but certainly not 45....=). While taking the day trip to Napa and Sonoma with the kids, Brian and realized that Valentine's weekend marked the 12 year anniversary of our first trip to California, Oregon and Washington and wine country where we first fell in love with wine and the West Coast.
Paige was part of a small Children's theatre production that came to town. They put on the "Princess and the Pea".. Paige played a "Dust Bunny" that hid under all the mattresses. It was fun for her.
Now onto the medical stuff. I have to keep reminding myself of the mantra, "It is not a Sprint, it is a marathon", but it is so hard. I am really, really sick of this whole thing. I try to be patient but we are quickly arriving at the year mark when I found the lump in my breast.
I knew the radiation was going to take 6 weeks but what I learned this week is that I have to wait almost 4-6 MONTHS before I can have my final reconstruction surgery. Also, once I start Radiation, I can't change anything as far as the expansion until I am ready for surgery. Therefore, I am basically stuck with this expander for the next 4-6 months. All the planning and pushing on myself and the DR's to finish everything before June is out the window. We have had plans for Hawaii in June for over a year. It looks like although I will be finished with the radiation, we will to go on the trip without the final look. That means tank tops and bathing suits will not look quite right. I am steaming mad over this. I understand my body needs to heal after radiation but why so many months later? We were willing to push off the trip a little bit if I was able to have the surgery sooner but I don't want to wait around for this, I don't want to put my life on hold anymore like I have for the past year. I guess I will have to suck it up, I know this might not seem like a big deal, to "suck it up", but I am really, really sick of "Sucking things up", like having to wear the wig and now this. By the way, my hair is starting to grow back, again slower than I would like but I can see a dark hairline again. Paige likes to rub it because she says it is real soft, like a baby chick. HAHA
I will back up a bit about the radiation, I figured I would need radiation after the mastectomy because the cancer had spread outside the breast tissue and even though the PET scans did not reveal any residual cancer, there COULD still be microscopic cells that later could develop. Chance are, I am cancer free but radiation is the "overkill" stratgey. I understand the need for Overkill, they want to take away any possible chance of a recurrance and they might as well do it up front because I certainly don't want to look back and wonder if I did everything I possibly could.
My Tissue Expander was "filled" for a second time on Weds and I thought I was going to die it hurt so much. It was so tight I could hardly breath in. Let's just say, when I was driving home, if I had to brake quickly and the seat belt tightened, it would probably have killed. me. It still hurts but the skin is stretching and forming over the expander. (Sorry, this is kind of embarrassing.) Anyway, I get "filled" one more time and then that is it until my surgery in several months from now. According to my DR, after final surgery, I will basically be the same size I was before children, a B cup. Sounds good to me, a nice youthful looking B cup. If all goes according to plan I start Radiation on March 2nd and finish mid April.
That's all I know now but next week I will know more.
Britt
We also just celebrated Erin's 2nd birthday. We had a small party on Sunday and then went away for the rest of the weekend to Sonoma and Napa. I need to make a correction about Erin though, as I mentioned in my last blog entry, she is not 45 lbs., I exaggerated, she only feels that heavy. We just went to her yearly check up and she is in the 90th percentile for height and 95th percentile in weight. A chunky 38lbs but certainly not 45....=). While taking the day trip to Napa and Sonoma with the kids, Brian and realized that Valentine's weekend marked the 12 year anniversary of our first trip to California, Oregon and Washington and wine country where we first fell in love with wine and the West Coast.
Paige was part of a small Children's theatre production that came to town. They put on the "Princess and the Pea".. Paige played a "Dust Bunny" that hid under all the mattresses. It was fun for her.
Now onto the medical stuff. I have to keep reminding myself of the mantra, "It is not a Sprint, it is a marathon", but it is so hard. I am really, really sick of this whole thing. I try to be patient but we are quickly arriving at the year mark when I found the lump in my breast.
I knew the radiation was going to take 6 weeks but what I learned this week is that I have to wait almost 4-6 MONTHS before I can have my final reconstruction surgery. Also, once I start Radiation, I can't change anything as far as the expansion until I am ready for surgery. Therefore, I am basically stuck with this expander for the next 4-6 months. All the planning and pushing on myself and the DR's to finish everything before June is out the window. We have had plans for Hawaii in June for over a year. It looks like although I will be finished with the radiation, we will to go on the trip without the final look. That means tank tops and bathing suits will not look quite right. I am steaming mad over this. I understand my body needs to heal after radiation but why so many months later? We were willing to push off the trip a little bit if I was able to have the surgery sooner but I don't want to wait around for this, I don't want to put my life on hold anymore like I have for the past year. I guess I will have to suck it up, I know this might not seem like a big deal, to "suck it up", but I am really, really sick of "Sucking things up", like having to wear the wig and now this. By the way, my hair is starting to grow back, again slower than I would like but I can see a dark hairline again. Paige likes to rub it because she says it is real soft, like a baby chick. HAHA
I will back up a bit about the radiation, I figured I would need radiation after the mastectomy because the cancer had spread outside the breast tissue and even though the PET scans did not reveal any residual cancer, there COULD still be microscopic cells that later could develop. Chance are, I am cancer free but radiation is the "overkill" stratgey. I understand the need for Overkill, they want to take away any possible chance of a recurrance and they might as well do it up front because I certainly don't want to look back and wonder if I did everything I possibly could.
My Tissue Expander was "filled" for a second time on Weds and I thought I was going to die it hurt so much. It was so tight I could hardly breath in. Let's just say, when I was driving home, if I had to brake quickly and the seat belt tightened, it would probably have killed. me. It still hurts but the skin is stretching and forming over the expander. (Sorry, this is kind of embarrassing.) Anyway, I get "filled" one more time and then that is it until my surgery in several months from now. According to my DR, after final surgery, I will basically be the same size I was before children, a B cup. Sounds good to me, a nice youthful looking B cup. If all goes according to plan I start Radiation on March 2nd and finish mid April.
That's all I know now but next week I will know more.
Britt
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Breast Reconstruction
Sometimes I have to laugh. I apologize to the men reading this blog. All I talk about is breasts, breasts and more breasts!!! To some men that might sound great, to most men the breast has a double meaning but for women, breasts are important but are really no big deal. When I write this blog, I often picture my women friends that will be reading this. I do wonder though how many men read and might feel uncomfortable about the subject matter. Breasts, boobs, bras, all those things that as women, we hold so dear but men are not used to talking about. The next couple of blog entry's will be about rebuilding a breast. If that makes you uncomfortable then I guess you either have to get over it or choose not read on. Let your wives give you the updates.
Some men might ask why bother build another breast? They don't seem to get it. "What is the big deal they ask", "It is not like you really need it?" That is like saying, you don't really need an ear, you can still hear with out the earlobe and the outward ear, etc. I think for me and many women in my situation, it is all about my self image. I will feel whole again when I get my new breast. I am not a whole woman without it. I want the chance to look pretty again, to feel pretty. Not for other people but for me.
I am now two weeks out from surgery. I feel pretty good considering everytihng. I am able to lift my left arm well over my head and able to lift some heavier things like laundry and grocery bags. A couple weeks ago, I was nervous to lift a full gallon of milk with my left arm but this week I am briefly lifting my 45 lb daughter, Erin, in and out of her crib (with both arms, of course). I am not sure that is the best scenario for healing but having children, let alone young children, with this process, does not allow you to sit around for long. I had the drains removed, thank God and I can wear my normal clothes again. No more needing to hide the drains with oversized T-shirts.
Now for the next medical procedure. The Dr will essentially grow the tissue for my new breast from the inside out. During surgery he implanted a tissue expander (basically a bag that they fill with saline to slowly expand the remaining skin from my breast. Once their is enough tissue to reconstruct a breast, they will remove the tissue expander and implant a typical saline implant that you might see on a plastic surgery TV show. So at this weeks appts, he added saline to my breast. It is not like I could see the difference but I could feel it. I think leaving the surgery, I had a small mound like the size of an A cup. Now I would say I was about the size of a small B. But boy is it firm and numb. For those of you who have given birth and/or breastfed, it feel like major engorgement but it does not really go away. Like when you are engorged, you just try not to go near "them", it hurts too much. The final product will not feel as firm but I would guess more like usual implants. More real I guess.
I am wearing my usual bras but I am lopsided. Most outfits you can't tell but I can always "stuff" my bra. HAHA So the plan is to continue to get weekly injections of saline until I start radiation. I find out next week what the plan is for radiation. It could take months before I am ready for Reconstruction surgery. So although I am through the worst of this process with Chemo and Surgery, I still have a long road to go.
I am sorry for being so "revealing", maybe I have been writing this blog for too long and forget all the people who are a part of it. I wonder if it will be hard to look people in the face and not laugh when I see them. I am sure everyone will be curious about my little science experiment going on around my chest area. "Should I look, can I catch a glimpse? Oh, I will just look up." HAHA It's OK, I understand.
So if you did decide to read on and you do see me. It is OK to comment on my little project. By now the sexiness of breasts is so over for now, it is strictly a little medical miracle. I will be whole again and I am thankful for that.
Britt
Some men might ask why bother build another breast? They don't seem to get it. "What is the big deal they ask", "It is not like you really need it?" That is like saying, you don't really need an ear, you can still hear with out the earlobe and the outward ear, etc. I think for me and many women in my situation, it is all about my self image. I will feel whole again when I get my new breast. I am not a whole woman without it. I want the chance to look pretty again, to feel pretty. Not for other people but for me.
I am now two weeks out from surgery. I feel pretty good considering everytihng. I am able to lift my left arm well over my head and able to lift some heavier things like laundry and grocery bags. A couple weeks ago, I was nervous to lift a full gallon of milk with my left arm but this week I am briefly lifting my 45 lb daughter, Erin, in and out of her crib (with both arms, of course). I am not sure that is the best scenario for healing but having children, let alone young children, with this process, does not allow you to sit around for long. I had the drains removed, thank God and I can wear my normal clothes again. No more needing to hide the drains with oversized T-shirts.
Now for the next medical procedure. The Dr will essentially grow the tissue for my new breast from the inside out. During surgery he implanted a tissue expander (basically a bag that they fill with saline to slowly expand the remaining skin from my breast. Once their is enough tissue to reconstruct a breast, they will remove the tissue expander and implant a typical saline implant that you might see on a plastic surgery TV show. So at this weeks appts, he added saline to my breast. It is not like I could see the difference but I could feel it. I think leaving the surgery, I had a small mound like the size of an A cup. Now I would say I was about the size of a small B. But boy is it firm and numb. For those of you who have given birth and/or breastfed, it feel like major engorgement but it does not really go away. Like when you are engorged, you just try not to go near "them", it hurts too much. The final product will not feel as firm but I would guess more like usual implants. More real I guess.
I am wearing my usual bras but I am lopsided. Most outfits you can't tell but I can always "stuff" my bra. HAHA So the plan is to continue to get weekly injections of saline until I start radiation. I find out next week what the plan is for radiation. It could take months before I am ready for Reconstruction surgery. So although I am through the worst of this process with Chemo and Surgery, I still have a long road to go.
I am sorry for being so "revealing", maybe I have been writing this blog for too long and forget all the people who are a part of it. I wonder if it will be hard to look people in the face and not laugh when I see them. I am sure everyone will be curious about my little science experiment going on around my chest area. "Should I look, can I catch a glimpse? Oh, I will just look up." HAHA It's OK, I understand.
So if you did decide to read on and you do see me. It is OK to comment on my little project. By now the sexiness of breasts is so over for now, it is strictly a little medical miracle. I will be whole again and I am thankful for that.
Britt
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
It's a new day
I have been feeling better and getting used to my new body. It is still hard to look at but I got some good news from the Dr's that lifted my spirits.
I went to Stanford on my own on Monday as a followup to ensure the incision is healing properly. Not only is it healing great, I was able to get one of the drains removed and the remainder is much easier to manage and is not as noticeable. Thank God!! That was half the battle in my sour mood.
Also while at my appt with the plastic surgeon, I got a message from my other surgeon that the pathology report was back. They take the tissue and test it to let you know if there was cancer or not. I went over to her office after my first appt and although it was the end of the day was able to catch her still in the office and had an impromptu meeting to review the results. What made me so happy about that spontaneous meeting is, as my sister and husband can attest to, I have spent hours and hours waiting and waiting for dr's that that are late or behind schedule. I was so pleased with myself that I was able to track her down and get the results of something that would have taken me all day to get at a regular DR's office visit.
To top it off, it was really good news. This sounds strange but the good news is they did find cancer but the part that is good is that they got it all out. The margins around the cancerous area were clean. There was also DCIS (the undeveloped cancer) and that was also removed and had clean margins. The 2 final lymph nodes taken from my side were also negative, no cancer at all. Fabulous, there is no spread to worry about. So in other words, if I had not gone with the Mastectomy, I would likely have seen a recurrence again at some point, maybe 5 yrs, maybe 10, maybe more but I would possibly have had to go through all this again.
The mastectomy was the right choice, the right thing to do. All the struggle with the second opinions, PET/CT scans, MRI's, switch of the Chemo, and many, many Dr appts have been worth it for this moment because it is gone. I really believe I am free of cancer.
It was late when I finally got ready to drive home, around 6:00 pm. I finally allowed myself to be happy. And just like that a song came on the radio that seemed to say exactly what I was feeling. Matchbox 20 named "How far we've come" the lyrics say "I believe it's all coming to an end".... "let's see how far we've come"..."let's see how far we've come." For me that was it, I blasted the song alone in my car and sang out loud "Let see how far we've come". I have come a long way and I am really proud of myself. (I tear up as I type this). This has been really hard but I feel "This is coming to an end". It was like that moment in the movie "Jerry McGuire" when he had signed the big contract with the football player and was searching for a great song to blast and celebrate alone in his car. HAHA
From here I may have radiation (no problem), and hormonal therapy for a year(no problem). Also reconstruction surgery (this may be a bit tougher). But I think I can handle it.
So I am sorry for the depressing blog entry earlier. I was feeling really low so I let you all know about it. But I am feeling better now. Thanks for being there.
Britt
I went to Stanford on my own on Monday as a followup to ensure the incision is healing properly. Not only is it healing great, I was able to get one of the drains removed and the remainder is much easier to manage and is not as noticeable. Thank God!! That was half the battle in my sour mood.
Also while at my appt with the plastic surgeon, I got a message from my other surgeon that the pathology report was back. They take the tissue and test it to let you know if there was cancer or not. I went over to her office after my first appt and although it was the end of the day was able to catch her still in the office and had an impromptu meeting to review the results. What made me so happy about that spontaneous meeting is, as my sister and husband can attest to, I have spent hours and hours waiting and waiting for dr's that that are late or behind schedule. I was so pleased with myself that I was able to track her down and get the results of something that would have taken me all day to get at a regular DR's office visit.
To top it off, it was really good news. This sounds strange but the good news is they did find cancer but the part that is good is that they got it all out. The margins around the cancerous area were clean. There was also DCIS (the undeveloped cancer) and that was also removed and had clean margins. The 2 final lymph nodes taken from my side were also negative, no cancer at all. Fabulous, there is no spread to worry about. So in other words, if I had not gone with the Mastectomy, I would likely have seen a recurrence again at some point, maybe 5 yrs, maybe 10, maybe more but I would possibly have had to go through all this again.
The mastectomy was the right choice, the right thing to do. All the struggle with the second opinions, PET/CT scans, MRI's, switch of the Chemo, and many, many Dr appts have been worth it for this moment because it is gone. I really believe I am free of cancer.
It was late when I finally got ready to drive home, around 6:00 pm. I finally allowed myself to be happy. And just like that a song came on the radio that seemed to say exactly what I was feeling. Matchbox 20 named "How far we've come" the lyrics say "I believe it's all coming to an end".... "let's see how far we've come"..."let's see how far we've come." For me that was it, I blasted the song alone in my car and sang out loud "Let see how far we've come". I have come a long way and I am really proud of myself. (I tear up as I type this). This has been really hard but I feel "This is coming to an end". It was like that moment in the movie "Jerry McGuire" when he had signed the big contract with the football player and was searching for a great song to blast and celebrate alone in his car. HAHA
From here I may have radiation (no problem), and hormonal therapy for a year(no problem). Also reconstruction surgery (this may be a bit tougher). But I think I can handle it.
So I am sorry for the depressing blog entry earlier. I was feeling really low so I let you all know about it. But I am feeling better now. Thanks for being there.
Britt
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Courage
I was really struggling on Saturday and Sunday. My image in the mirror is the physical manifestation of all my fears and loathing at this point in my fight. Cancer not only takes so much away from you, it really has made me question my self image. Who am I and what have I become, both mentally and physically?
Frankly, I feel so ugly right now. I have no hair, I have wrinkles on my face I never noticed before, I have two horrible drains and tubes coming out of my side and I have a terrible incision that is all I have left of what was once a part of my body. And to top it off, I got a cold sore on my lip, from the stress of the surgery. UGH. I am forced to wear oversized and long T-shirts to hide the drains. Just putting on a frumpy T-shirt immediately brings me down.
When people say I have courage or bravery I don't really think of it like that, I am fighting what I had to fight. I don't think it is bravery if you don't really have a choice. But I did have to muster real courage Saturday just to leave the house to go to the park with my family. I have been hiding at home for the last couple days and decided it was time to get out on such a beautiful day. I don't see myself as a vain person but I have given up even looking good in public I just want to look normal. I want to go "unnoticed" and that is sad to me. I just want privacy.
I feel like this is a precarious time for Brian and I. He has been so supportive but I feel like all I do is lean on him more and more. I am not able to give him much and he needs support too. I think the surgery has freaked him out a bit but he still tells me I am beautiful. I feel like he is lying, what is he supposed to day? He is so good at finding the silver lining in any situation and he assures me that this is not the finished product. It will get better. I believe him and I try to think about what the new Britt will look like but I can't really visualize her right now.
Frankly, I feel so ugly right now. I have no hair, I have wrinkles on my face I never noticed before, I have two horrible drains and tubes coming out of my side and I have a terrible incision that is all I have left of what was once a part of my body. And to top it off, I got a cold sore on my lip, from the stress of the surgery. UGH. I am forced to wear oversized and long T-shirts to hide the drains. Just putting on a frumpy T-shirt immediately brings me down.
When people say I have courage or bravery I don't really think of it like that, I am fighting what I had to fight. I don't think it is bravery if you don't really have a choice. But I did have to muster real courage Saturday just to leave the house to go to the park with my family. I have been hiding at home for the last couple days and decided it was time to get out on such a beautiful day. I don't see myself as a vain person but I have given up even looking good in public I just want to look normal. I want to go "unnoticed" and that is sad to me. I just want privacy.
I feel like this is a precarious time for Brian and I. He has been so supportive but I feel like all I do is lean on him more and more. I am not able to give him much and he needs support too. I think the surgery has freaked him out a bit but he still tells me I am beautiful. I feel like he is lying, what is he supposed to day? He is so good at finding the silver lining in any situation and he assures me that this is not the finished product. It will get better. I believe him and I try to think about what the new Britt will look like but I can't really visualize her right now.
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