sense of normalcy

Hello all- I have an appt set to meet with the surgeon on Sept 8th. I still do not have a surgery date yet but I am guessing maybe week of Sept 15th. A woman I spoke to recently who is a cancer survivor herself, said that this journey is not a sprint, it is a marathon. I believe it.

I am sure there are questions as to why the Dr's feel they need to remove the whole breast just to get at some really small areas of cancer (no more than 3-5 CM in size). I know my first reaction was "OK then, go in again and let's remove the small areas and then I am on my way." It apparently is not that easy. A couple things: Every time the surgeons go in and operate, there is more damage to my remaining breast tissue and area around it, less chance it would ever look normal anyway. Also the areas are so small they could not guarantee they could even find the additional tumors to remove and lastly, the Dr's can not be sure that even though those areas have and grown to a point of being recognized on an MRI, I could still have more microscopic cancer cells there that Chemo would never kill and I would see much higher chance of recurrence. So in order to be sure I will not see a recurrence, removal is the best option.

Life right now is positively normal!!! Cancer is not on my mind on a constant basis, the rest of my life is however. Paige has started Kindergarten this week and she also has lost her two front teeth!! =) She is saving her tooth fairy money to buy a pet Hamster. I did have the conversation with her new teacher about my diagnosis and likelihood Paige will bring her emotions to school. That was not a fun conversation but her school is being wonderfully supportive.

Erin loves the slides at the park and has learned to climb the ladder with me standing close by and eagerly heads down the slide with no fear and a priceless look of glee on her face. Me, I am going to the gym to get as healthy as I can before all this happens and I have been getting together with my girlfriends and play dates, etc. Like I said, I choose my life over thoughts of Cancer. Believe me, it is still there but it can wait.

I have expressed frustration over how long things take and I have decided to change my thought process. I am enjoying the time before my life is turned upside down further. Why would I want to rush into a surgical bed, rush into loosing my hair? I am not delaying anything, of course. But if they can't get me in until Sept, I will enjoy my time feeling normal.

The "summer of Britt" is over now - as we jokingly referred to it. Coined from the "Summer of George" episode on Seinfeld - but it sure was a great one. Beyond the things Brian mentioned in his post, we also went to the beach near Santa Cruz, Brian and I attended a Kenny Chesney concert, we even redecorated our bedroom so at least if I am sick in bed I can enjoy the fruits of our labor. Again, I am always looking for upsides and having that summer was one for me.

Lastly, I wanted to bring to your attention a show called "Stand up 2 Cancer" on Sept 5th. http://www.standup2cancer.org/theshow. I was planning to watch it especially since Christina Applegate recently revealed she had a double mastectomy because she carried the genetic mutation that links to breast cancer. (By the way, I do not carry the genetic link. My cancer was random not hereditary.) Anyway, it might be an interesting show since all of you reading this know someone who has cancer--me!!

Love to you all.

Britt

The M Word

Well we received the news yesterday that Britt will need a Mastectomy on her left side. As Britt said in her previous post, there are several other areas of concern on that side that have turned up cancerous. Our next step is to meet with a surgeon and schedule the surgery, this will probably happen in the next two weeks. Three weeks after the surgery she can begin chemotherapy. Britt has come to terms with this as best she can, the fact is we have been living with this possibility since May so it is not sudden. Yes it has been since May that we have known, it seems weird that is has been so long. Britt has undergone three surgeries, and by my latest count 16 Dr's appointments since then, and finally we have the final diagnosis, and plan. But in a way this time has actually helped Britt and our family in many ways. It has given us both time to accept the inevitable and time to live. Britt was determined to do as much this summer with her family as she could before major surgery and chemotherapy sidelined her. So when Paige goes back to school on Monday, and she is asked what she did this summer, she can tell them she went to Yosemite, to Great America waterpark, she was splashed by a whale at Seaworld, walked on a tall ship in San Francisco, saw fireworks over Monterey Bay, and played in the surf in San Diego. When you get the news you have cancer the fear can be at times paralyzing, but Britt would not let it affect either her or the girls, and her strength has been amazing. I must also take this time to thank my mother for her help with the girls through all of this, it has made it so much easier. My thanks also to both of my brothers and their wives who despite being miles away have provided their own forms of support. I would also like to thank Britt's mom and sister for their help during the early part of the summer when this news came, and for the help they will be providing in the months ahead. And thank you to all ofyou reading this, for taking the time to keep up with us, and for the cards, and letters, and prayers that you have had for us, it has meant so much for both of us, and gives us strength for the coming days.

Brian

Take the Good with the Bad

I don't have a lot of information but I know that friends and family are waiting to find out the results of the biopsies. I am trying to get a follow up appointment this week or next so I will know more once I talk with the Dr's face to face but the results came back mixed.

The good news: On the right side (the side with no previous cancer) came up negative for cancer. So I am in the clear on the right side. YAH!!! The testing was only precautionary anyway.

The bad news: Of the three small spots that came up on Ultrasound on the left side, two of the three came back cancerous. I believe they were also in the area around the previous cancer. I guess it was somewhat contained on the same side but had spread further than previously thought. This is bad because I am pretty sure the Dr's will be recommending mastectomy of my left breast. How do I feel about that? I have come to terms with the fact this might happen. I am not happy about it at all but I have already met with a plastic surgeon about what it entails and the final result to expect. Although I would rather keep everything intact =), I could live with the result of a reconstruction. More on this later.

This information is based only on a short voice mail message from our Dr. because we had requested the results as soon as possible. I will know more this or next week when they review my results more formally. Again waiting for an appt.

I have been receiving the nicest letters, notes, card and emails from friends and family and Hearing from everyone means so much to me (even though people say this all the time, I really mean it.) A lovely card from my Aunt and Uncle in Maryland, just made me break down and cry it was so touching. I feel very loved and it helps a lot. I know everyone is thinking of me and all those positive thoughts will start to turn things around for me. Even though I am sad about the diagnosis, I am glad to have come to some sort of conclusion at least.

More later of course.

"Waiting is the Hardest Part"

I am sitting in a Waiting Room at Stanford right now as Britt undergoes her first of two biopsies today. This one is an MRI directed Biopsy on her right breast, after she will undergo a regular biopsy on her left breast using the images they took last week on ultrasound. After that we wait for the results which should come by the end of the week. It seems as I sit here. that waiting is what we do most.
I am by my nature a very impatient person, I see a problem, or opportunity and I jump at it, and get it done. This entire process is the antithesis of that. We go for tests, wait for the results, get the results and go for more tests. Don't get me wrong I realize that we have the benefit of some of the greatest Doctors here in the world at Stanford, and that it is important to have a complete and thorough diagnosis, but what I really want is for Britt to be cured, and for this cloud to be off of her and my family. Paige knows what is going on (for as much as a really bright 5 year old can), and this time that we spend away getting tests and more tests leaves her emotionally vulnerable, she told here grandmother the other day that she was scared Mommy wasn't coming home.
I guess the feeling is powerlessness, I am sitting here and there is nothing I can do, and I have never felt more frustrated in my life.

Brian