Today is Britt's 38th Birthday, and it marks the 12th Birthday I have celebrated with her. We will be having a special dinner with a 2 couples who are flying in from Portland this weekend. Birthdays are very special to Britt, in part I think because they are so close to Halloween. This has meant we have thrown or participated in quite a few Halloween parties over the past twelve years. She is very demanding about our costumes. Since I have known her she has gone as Mrs. Roper from "Three's Company", Martha Stewart (or prisoner # 96356), Million Dollar Baby Boxer, and we have dressed as couples, as The Mass Turnpike (don't ask, but we won second prize), Anthony and Cleopatra, a surgeon and his patient, Sigfried and a White Tiger (topical as always), and my personal favorite a Cheeseburger (we won 1st prize for that one). I personally am feeling less pressure to not have to come up with a costume this year, but I am really looking forward to the dinner.
Birthdays are a time for reflection for both the past year, and for the progress we have made in our lives. This birthday has so much extra meaning, that I have been reflecting on both in regards to Britt over the past 3 days. First the past year; Last December as some of you know I had a high blood pressure scare, I was rushed to the hospital with blood pressure of 220 over 110. To say this was scary was an understatement, but my biggest fear in the ambulance on the way to the hospital was never seeing Britt again. To make a long story short the Doctors don't have any idea what happened except to say the combination of stress, extra weight, and bad diet caused my body to send a warning signal. As Britt walked into the Emergency room that night, we both cried, and I made a vow to change my life. With her support I have lost over 55 pounds, and kept it off. My blood pressure and cholesterol are within normal ranges and I am exercising regularly. I used to joke that I would work hard, play hard and flameout early, but the truth is, I could not be without her.
The day after I passed the 50lb mark we received the diagnosis that Britt had Breast Cancer, talk about you world crashing down around you. In typical fashion Britt was strong as a rock. She was adamant that she would not be described as a Cancer Victim, and only wanted to focus on the course of action necessary to get to end result of being Cancer Free. It is a testament to who she is that three days after she had her Lumpectomy she insisted we go on our planned family vacation to Yosemite and Lake Tahoe. Some of you did not, or might not understand this, after all she had Cancer how could we just up and go on Vacation. First of all there was no treatments they would do for us during this time, secondly Britt felt that to cancel would be to give in. She didn't want to sit around all day feeling sorry for herself, and she didn't want her family to feel sorry for her either. I myself was feeling pretty sorry for myself, but it's hard to look at Britt doing a hike, or playing with the girls in the Merced River, or watching a sunset over Tahoe and not gain strength from it.
As regular readers know the rest of the summer was played out in a series of increasingly frustrating set of Doctor's appointments, PET/MRIs, and follow ups. What you might not know is that Britt has acted as her own scheduler, document gatherer, information officer and chief advocate. She has had to negotiate a tangled bureaucracy of three different hospitals, 8 different doctors, and a myriad of insurance issues. For the most part she has handled this the way she handles everything, straight forward with a strength and resiliency that is amazing.
Today and this week I celebrate Britt, the love of my life. I celebrate her not because of the cancer but because today, as on every October 30th, (and quite frankly quite a few other days as well), she reminds me of what it is like to be a great wife, mother, and person. I draw from the well of her strength regularly in times of weakness, I marvel at her ability to stay the course in rough seas, and I bask in the warmth of her love for me and the girls.
Happy Birthday Britt
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Two down and 4 to go
I had my second session of Chemo on Weds. It went pretty smoothly. The Chemo port worked and it was painless to use. Thankfully!! I don't need any more glitches. Brian dropped me off so he could watch Erin that day and then picked me up again after the four hours. Denise watched Erin for a couple hours and Shawna picked up Paige from School and she played at her house, which she loves.
During Chemo the nurses give you a big dose of Benedryl first off when you start, I quickly fell asleep and slept for about two hours. I even woke myself up snoring, (how embarrassing). Other patients around me were asleep as well so I don't think they minded. I ate lunch, read my People magazine that my sister in law so kindly sent me a subscription. And before I knew it, Brian was there with Erin to sit with me for the last hour. Erin did fine in the room, she does not know what is going on. Now Paige, on the other hand, would have hated being there. She would not be caught dead in this medical office let alone in the Chemo room with everyone hooked up to IV's. She hates hospital settings, etc.
I really have felt good since Weds, the daily steroid really keeps me going. I am a little shaky, a little bit of stomach issues, and a little bit of sleeplessness but no big deal. Sure enough on Sunday-Tues, I felt my lowest, I think because the Steroid buoys me up enough to go on with normal life and then when the steroid is stopped then I go down too. Also I learned the type of medicine I am on it is common to hit a low after day 5-7 after treatment. I felt lethargic, shaky, and just wiped out. Thankfully it was a quiet week, Brian was traveling, my mother in law got Paige to school and back and I just slept and watched TV and played with Erin. Good friends, Sara, Heidi and Dawnie all cooked yummy meals for us, which was really nice. My main sympton which is driving me crazy is my taste buds. Either things taste different than I remember or believe it or not, things taste like butter. Yes, butter. Everyting tastes too rich and creamy, such as cheese and certain crackers and bread. It s very odd and drives me crazy. I have a good appetite but I am not enjoying anything but sweets. Things that are sweet like Ice cream taste the same if not sweeter.
Each day I have felt better and I am glad to be reentering the world. Today, Weds, I went to the gym for a little while and then a Dr. appt. I got home around 1:00 and was a little wiped out but I know I will be even better tommarrow. The Medical office that I go to has a guest speaker/Cancer Survivor come every year and they have an open house and appetizers, etc, a little party for the patients and staff. Last year, Peggy Fleming was the guest speaker. I guess she had cancer. This year, Meredeth Baxter, (from "Family Ties" TV show in the 80's) is speaking. She apparently also had breast cancer. So I will get to meet her tomorrow. The whole family is going, it should be fun.
I have been struggling with the wig a bit. Frankly, I felt really uncomfortable. It was itchy and I did not feel like myself. I was self conscience and I hated that. So Kara took me to get some of the wig cut down and restyled and I like it better now. Frankly, I don't wear it around the house though, I wear hats mostly. The wig is for outward appearances, in fact, the other day the Direct TV guy came to the door unexpectedly and I had to run upstairs and "put my hair on" for the repair guy. HAHA. I take it off and on a couple times a day based on when I have to go out. Oh well, what you do for beauty. I like it now and and feel like I can get used to it. In my next entry I will send a picture of myself now with my new do.
A lot of people have been checking in on me to see how I am doing, so I figured I better get out the latest update so people don't worry. I am doing well and as they say, Hanging in there.
Britt
During Chemo the nurses give you a big dose of Benedryl first off when you start, I quickly fell asleep and slept for about two hours. I even woke myself up snoring, (how embarrassing). Other patients around me were asleep as well so I don't think they minded. I ate lunch, read my People magazine that my sister in law so kindly sent me a subscription. And before I knew it, Brian was there with Erin to sit with me for the last hour. Erin did fine in the room, she does not know what is going on. Now Paige, on the other hand, would have hated being there. She would not be caught dead in this medical office let alone in the Chemo room with everyone hooked up to IV's. She hates hospital settings, etc.
I really have felt good since Weds, the daily steroid really keeps me going. I am a little shaky, a little bit of stomach issues, and a little bit of sleeplessness but no big deal. Sure enough on Sunday-Tues, I felt my lowest, I think because the Steroid buoys me up enough to go on with normal life and then when the steroid is stopped then I go down too. Also I learned the type of medicine I am on it is common to hit a low after day 5-7 after treatment. I felt lethargic, shaky, and just wiped out. Thankfully it was a quiet week, Brian was traveling, my mother in law got Paige to school and back and I just slept and watched TV and played with Erin. Good friends, Sara, Heidi and Dawnie all cooked yummy meals for us, which was really nice. My main sympton which is driving me crazy is my taste buds. Either things taste different than I remember or believe it or not, things taste like butter. Yes, butter. Everyting tastes too rich and creamy, such as cheese and certain crackers and bread. It s very odd and drives me crazy. I have a good appetite but I am not enjoying anything but sweets. Things that are sweet like Ice cream taste the same if not sweeter.
Each day I have felt better and I am glad to be reentering the world. Today, Weds, I went to the gym for a little while and then a Dr. appt. I got home around 1:00 and was a little wiped out but I know I will be even better tommarrow. The Medical office that I go to has a guest speaker/Cancer Survivor come every year and they have an open house and appetizers, etc, a little party for the patients and staff. Last year, Peggy Fleming was the guest speaker. I guess she had cancer. This year, Meredeth Baxter, (from "Family Ties" TV show in the 80's) is speaking. She apparently also had breast cancer. So I will get to meet her tomorrow. The whole family is going, it should be fun.
I have been struggling with the wig a bit. Frankly, I felt really uncomfortable. It was itchy and I did not feel like myself. I was self conscience and I hated that. So Kara took me to get some of the wig cut down and restyled and I like it better now. Frankly, I don't wear it around the house though, I wear hats mostly. The wig is for outward appearances, in fact, the other day the Direct TV guy came to the door unexpectedly and I had to run upstairs and "put my hair on" for the repair guy. HAHA. I take it off and on a couple times a day based on when I have to go out. Oh well, what you do for beauty. I like it now and and feel like I can get used to it. In my next entry I will send a picture of myself now with my new do.
A lot of people have been checking in on me to see how I am doing, so I figured I better get out the latest update so people don't worry. I am doing well and as they say, Hanging in there.
Britt
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Bye Bye Hair
Well it is done. A couple days ago I started seeing extra hair in my brush. I knew it this was coming I just didn't expect it so soon. I expected to make it through my next Chemo session but I guess the medicine was working because as each day went by, more and more hair was coming out. Then about three days ago, when I washed my hair, I tried to wash so tenderly and hardly even blow dried it for fear of more coming out. It was everywhere and I couldn't stop it. As some of you know, I have very thick hair so even after all the hair I had lost, I still have a full head of hair. If I didn't touch it or comb it was fine, the minute I did anything to it, forget about it. I had a last fleeting hope that if I got a shorter hair cut, it would some how slow it down or maybe not be so noticeable but by that last weekend, we knew I was fighting the inevitable. I made it through one last evening with my Mom Friends here in town. We got together for dinner. I was sheddding but I looked presentable enough to get through the night.
The next night Brian, Paige, Erin and I had a haircut party. Paige modeled all my hats and wigs and we had bought clippers and Brian slowly cut off my hair. I won't tell you it was not emotional because it was. It was really hard for Brian as well. What husband would ever dream of doing this to their wife? But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, it was so personal I didn't want anyone else there. We cried but we also laughed. Brian (the complete amateur that he is) gave me several memorable haircuts. First he cut up the sides and created a comb over. I looked like Aldof Hitler with his shaved sides and long comb over on top. Then he shaved higher and I looked like either a marine or a White supremesist!! (I think I would rather look like a marine) Then he shaved me a Mohawk. That was funny and every step of the way, I would look in the mirror, be shocked but I would slowly get used to what I was seeing. The finished product was more like Sigorney Weaver in Aliens. So it is done. I put on one of my new hats and we began to get used to it.
Paige was wonderful during the whole process, she brought me stuffed animals to comfort me and she even video taped some of it, she would make me laugh when I needed her to and she told me I was still the most beautiful Mommy she ever had. I love that kid!!. Erin was great in her own way too. The fact is, she doesn't look at me any different, children don't judge. To her, I am still her Mom, no matter what I look like. Thank God for that.
The next day, I tried on my wigs. They are a little uncomfortable but will be fine. I will get used to them. I keep telling myself it is only hair, I am still the same person. I am still the same person.
I am ready for Chemo this week and hope the medicine continues to work. This better be worth it!!!
Britt
The next night Brian, Paige, Erin and I had a haircut party. Paige modeled all my hats and wigs and we had bought clippers and Brian slowly cut off my hair. I won't tell you it was not emotional because it was. It was really hard for Brian as well. What husband would ever dream of doing this to their wife? But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, it was so personal I didn't want anyone else there. We cried but we also laughed. Brian (the complete amateur that he is) gave me several memorable haircuts. First he cut up the sides and created a comb over. I looked like Aldof Hitler with his shaved sides and long comb over on top. Then he shaved higher and I looked like either a marine or a White supremesist!! (I think I would rather look like a marine) Then he shaved me a Mohawk. That was funny and every step of the way, I would look in the mirror, be shocked but I would slowly get used to what I was seeing. The finished product was more like Sigorney Weaver in Aliens. So it is done. I put on one of my new hats and we began to get used to it.
Paige was wonderful during the whole process, she brought me stuffed animals to comfort me and she even video taped some of it, she would make me laugh when I needed her to and she told me I was still the most beautiful Mommy she ever had. I love that kid!!. Erin was great in her own way too. The fact is, she doesn't look at me any different, children don't judge. To her, I am still her Mom, no matter what I look like. Thank God for that.
The next day, I tried on my wigs. They are a little uncomfortable but will be fine. I will get used to them. I keep telling myself it is only hair, I am still the same person. I am still the same person.
I am ready for Chemo this week and hope the medicine continues to work. This better be worth it!!!
Britt
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Feeling good
I am feeling good and more like myself lately. I had my Surgery to replace my Chemo port yesterday. I have some aches and pains and I am on some good meds but doing OK. I will be ready to use the port for my next session, thankfully because my forarms and veins where the medicine went in my arm have been killing me. My arm aches like it is going to bruise up but it never did.
A couple stories.
An endearing story recently came from Paige. She and I were playing Veterinarian and she had several "sick" Stuffed animals around her bed. One she had tucked into her sheets and had the covers pulled up to it's chin. She told me that this Polar bear had Cancer too. The same cancer that I have and this Polar bear will soon lose it hair as well. But this bear does not need wigs or hats this bear needs a new fur coat and fur pants to keep it warm. So we bundled the bear in a furry "sleeping bag" that would pass as pants and a coat. She was very matter of fact in her story and I think it shows that like all of us she has accepted Cancer in our household and since it has been incorpate in our lives, it gets incorporated in her play as well.
I finish with a funny story:
As I may have mentioned my taste buds have been messed lately as a result of the Chemo. I don't even enjoy wine right now, which for those of you who know me it is huge!!! =). Anyway, I was at a DR. appt and I had just eaten one of those Immodium chew able tablets and I hate the chalky taste in my mouth so I was rummaging around in my purse to find a mint or something and I found a packet of those mouth mint strips. Those strips you lay on your tongue and they dissolve. I put one on my tongue and within seconds I was jumping up and begging the nurse for water. "I NEED WATER, I need WATER". With my taste buds exposed, the strip was burning!!! The nurse must have thought I was crazy but quickly got me a cup. It's always something!!!
More soon,
Britt
A couple stories.
An endearing story recently came from Paige. She and I were playing Veterinarian and she had several "sick" Stuffed animals around her bed. One she had tucked into her sheets and had the covers pulled up to it's chin. She told me that this Polar bear had Cancer too. The same cancer that I have and this Polar bear will soon lose it hair as well. But this bear does not need wigs or hats this bear needs a new fur coat and fur pants to keep it warm. So we bundled the bear in a furry "sleeping bag" that would pass as pants and a coat. She was very matter of fact in her story and I think it shows that like all of us she has accepted Cancer in our household and since it has been incorpate in our lives, it gets incorporated in her play as well.
I finish with a funny story:
As I may have mentioned my taste buds have been messed lately as a result of the Chemo. I don't even enjoy wine right now, which for those of you who know me it is huge!!! =). Anyway, I was at a DR. appt and I had just eaten one of those Immodium chew able tablets and I hate the chalky taste in my mouth so I was rummaging around in my purse to find a mint or something and I found a packet of those mouth mint strips. Those strips you lay on your tongue and they dissolve. I put one on my tongue and within seconds I was jumping up and begging the nurse for water. "I NEED WATER, I need WATER". With my taste buds exposed, the strip was burning!!! The nurse must have thought I was crazy but quickly got me a cup. It's always something!!!
More soon,
Britt
Friday, October 3, 2008
Recovery from Chemo
Hello all, First off I wanted to add another link to the blog of dear friends Vin and Nicole Christian. They have also chosen to "Walk for the Cure" through the American Cancer Society. It is so awesome that my story has somehow influenced someone else to take action for such a great cause. So if you did not get a chance to donate before, here is another chance, his race is this weekend.
(cut and paste the whole line into your web browser)
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY09Eastern/617699289?px=8175863&pg=personal&fr_id=11628
The last week has been a real pain. I was feeling OK from the Chemo after day 2 and 3. They expected I would feel OK because I was taking a Steroid that buoys you up. Then on Day 4, they stop the steroid and sure enough I wilted like a flower. I was shaky, woozy, tired and lethargic. It was a lot like having the flu. I napped a lot on Sunday and on Monday. In the early evenings I had enough energy to take a shower but maybe you can remember a time when you had the flu and decided to take a shower in hopes of feeling better and the next thing you knew, you were back in bed with wet hair wondering why you did that. I did rally in the evening and had nice dinners that Brian prepared.
My Mother in Law, Nancy who has been with us all summer in preparation for the eventuality, was so awesome. What a weight off my mind knowing that the household and kids were taken care of while I was out of it. My sister also came to visit over that weekend to help out and she was great as well. We went wig shopping. I expect to start having to wear the wig somewhere between session 2 and 3, maybe mid to late Oct. So for my local friends reading this, if you see me with a different "look" you can guess what has happened. Heavy sigh, Oh well.
In case you don't know much about Chemo drugs in general, they are meant to kill fast growing or fast re-generating cells in your body. So Cancer cells are fast growing but so are other healthy cells such as hair follicles, lining of your stomach, your mouth and taste buds among other things. These health fast growing cells are also killed, that is why the hair loss. Also that is why nausea is an issue because your stomach is all messed up. So my tongue feels weird now. It feels like I burned it. I assume it will be like this for a while. I liken the odd new symptoms with being pregnant. When you are pregnant all these strange things start happening, like you don't recognize your own body function anymore. When you are pregnant you just have to deal with all the uncomfortable symptoms because you know that it will be over soon. Same with me, I have to deal with all these annoying symptoms and get through it. It will be over soon enough, I just don't have the baby once it is all said an done.
Being out of commission last weekend really set me back once I did start feeling better. I have been bombarded with DR appts. Appts to replace the Chem port, Follow-up appts, heart scans to be sure the meds aren't hurting my heart and shots to raise my white blood cell counts. Since the Chemo started last week, I feel like this thing has really taken over my life, which really makes me mad. Even through the summer, I was able to get away from it for a while and be normal. Right now, between trying to catch naps, feeling symptoms and Dr's appts, I have lived and breathed this thing.
I think there is light at the end of the tunnel though. As we come into Day 10 since Chemo, I am feeling good and hope to put the last two weeks in the past and be back in the swing of things. Paige is playing Soccer and we have games on the weekends. I do have a procedure on Monday to replace the Chem-port and a weekly follow up appt and that should be it until Chemo again on Oct 15th.
I keep getting the most wonderful cards and packages in the mail and phone calls from faraway and local friends. Thank you for your continued support. I love hearing from everyone and thanks to everyone's positive thoughts, I am getting a firm handle on this part of my marathon.
Love you all.
Britt
(cut and paste the whole line into your web browser)
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY09Eastern/617699289?px=8175863&pg=personal&fr_id=11628
The last week has been a real pain. I was feeling OK from the Chemo after day 2 and 3. They expected I would feel OK because I was taking a Steroid that buoys you up. Then on Day 4, they stop the steroid and sure enough I wilted like a flower. I was shaky, woozy, tired and lethargic. It was a lot like having the flu. I napped a lot on Sunday and on Monday. In the early evenings I had enough energy to take a shower but maybe you can remember a time when you had the flu and decided to take a shower in hopes of feeling better and the next thing you knew, you were back in bed with wet hair wondering why you did that. I did rally in the evening and had nice dinners that Brian prepared.
My Mother in Law, Nancy who has been with us all summer in preparation for the eventuality, was so awesome. What a weight off my mind knowing that the household and kids were taken care of while I was out of it. My sister also came to visit over that weekend to help out and she was great as well. We went wig shopping. I expect to start having to wear the wig somewhere between session 2 and 3, maybe mid to late Oct. So for my local friends reading this, if you see me with a different "look" you can guess what has happened. Heavy sigh, Oh well.
In case you don't know much about Chemo drugs in general, they are meant to kill fast growing or fast re-generating cells in your body. So Cancer cells are fast growing but so are other healthy cells such as hair follicles, lining of your stomach, your mouth and taste buds among other things. These health fast growing cells are also killed, that is why the hair loss. Also that is why nausea is an issue because your stomach is all messed up. So my tongue feels weird now. It feels like I burned it. I assume it will be like this for a while. I liken the odd new symptoms with being pregnant. When you are pregnant all these strange things start happening, like you don't recognize your own body function anymore. When you are pregnant you just have to deal with all the uncomfortable symptoms because you know that it will be over soon. Same with me, I have to deal with all these annoying symptoms and get through it. It will be over soon enough, I just don't have the baby once it is all said an done.
Being out of commission last weekend really set me back once I did start feeling better. I have been bombarded with DR appts. Appts to replace the Chem port, Follow-up appts, heart scans to be sure the meds aren't hurting my heart and shots to raise my white blood cell counts. Since the Chemo started last week, I feel like this thing has really taken over my life, which really makes me mad. Even through the summer, I was able to get away from it for a while and be normal. Right now, between trying to catch naps, feeling symptoms and Dr's appts, I have lived and breathed this thing.
I think there is light at the end of the tunnel though. As we come into Day 10 since Chemo, I am feeling good and hope to put the last two weeks in the past and be back in the swing of things. Paige is playing Soccer and we have games on the weekends. I do have a procedure on Monday to replace the Chem-port and a weekly follow up appt and that should be it until Chemo again on Oct 15th.
I keep getting the most wonderful cards and packages in the mail and phone calls from faraway and local friends. Thank you for your continued support. I love hearing from everyone and thanks to everyone's positive thoughts, I am getting a firm handle on this part of my marathon.
Love you all.
Britt
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