Courage

I was really struggling on Saturday and Sunday. My image in the mirror is the physical manifestation of all my fears and loathing at this point in my fight. Cancer not only takes so much away from you, it really has made me question my self image. Who am I and what have I become, both mentally and physically?

Frankly, I feel so ugly right now. I have no hair, I have wrinkles on my face I never noticed before, I have two horrible drains and tubes coming out of my side and I have a terrible incision that is all I have left of what was once a part of my body. And to top it off, I got a cold sore on my lip, from the stress of the surgery. UGH. I am forced to wear oversized and long T-shirts to hide the drains. Just putting on a frumpy T-shirt immediately brings me down.

When people say I have courage or bravery I don't really think of it like that, I am fighting what I had to fight. I don't think it is bravery if you don't really have a choice. But I did have to muster real courage Saturday just to leave the house to go to the park with my family. I have been hiding at home for the last couple days and decided it was time to get out on such a beautiful day. I don't see myself as a vain person but I have given up even looking good in public I just want to look normal. I want to go "unnoticed" and that is sad to me. I just want privacy.

I feel like this is a precarious time for Brian and I. He has been so supportive but I feel like all I do is lean on him more and more. I am not able to give him much and he needs support too. I think the surgery has freaked him out a bit but he still tells me I am beautiful. I feel like he is lying, what is he supposed to day? He is so good at finding the silver lining in any situation and he assures me that this is not the finished product. It will get better. I believe him and I try to think about what the new Britt will look like but I can't really visualize her right now.