Hello all- Well, I am done. YEAH!!!! I finished 28 sessions of radiation today. They sent me home with balloons and the song, "Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more...". It was cool. I was crying my whole way through the last treatment. I was trying really hard to keep my breathing regular but it was hard with tears rolling down my cheeks. Brian came with me for the last one and he brought me flowers. It was a very emotional day. We are now having a couple friends and their families over tonight for a small celebration and then I plan to followup in a couple months for more of a full blown celebration. Not for me but for all the people who helped me through it. So now we have been joking, what am I going to do with all my extra time? Although I still have some followup meetings, etc, it will seem different not having this hanging over my life.
I feel great, in good spirits and looking forward to what comes next. Oh, I almost forgot, we booked our celebratory trip to Hawaii. It has been a year in the works and we finally booked our flights and hotel. We are going the end of July. It will be wonderful icing on a bittersweet cake.
Yahoo!!!!!
Britt
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
4 more
As your reading this Britt will be in her 5th to last Radiation treatment, we can see the finish line, and are very happy. I am happy too that I can be here for her last 5 treatments, I will take her on Thursday for her final one. Of course it is not really the end, they still have Herceptin, and Estrogen treatments, and they say you have to have no recurrence for 5 years to be considered cured, but it marks the end of the three step process they use to eradicate the cancer so we are excited.
As Britt said in her post I did take her to a treatment last week, and it was really amazing to see what they do, using lasers, and large computer servers they are able to pinpoint treatment areas to a fraction of a millimeter, and attack them aggressively while not endangering the surrounding cells. They even measure her breathing (they shoot on the intake), to make sure they hit the right sight. Through it all Britt has to lie very still with her arms above her head, for at least 30 minutes, just one more form of torture this has put her through.
The toughest part of all of this for me has been I have still had to travel, a lot. I travel about 60% of the time for my job, and this has meant I have had to be away for a lot of the treatments. I am constantly facing the work/life dilemma, my work is important to me (especially since the cost of treatments without insurance would bankrupt someone), but Britt is more important, so it has been very tough. Fortunately I can be very thankful to a whole lot of people who have stepped up to help. Starting with my mother, and Britt's mother, who put large parts of their lives on hold to come and help us out, as both of them have made two extended trips. Britt's sister Kara, has been there as well, she even went with Britt on one of the toughest appointments she had, as the doctor at Stanford explained the cancer had spread further then previously thought. One of the more amazing out pourings has come from our little town of Los Banos, we have only lived here a little under two years, and yet we had so many friends that stepped up in so many ways, so to Heidi, Shawna, Sara Bowling, Sara Silva, Liz, Stepahnie, Veronica, Dawnie, Denise and everyone else who I might have forgotten, thank you so much from the Kelleher Family. Thank you as well to all of extended friends, and family who have taken the time to write cards, and send gifts they have meant so much to Britt and I to know that we are thought of, prayed for, and loved.
Easter like all of the holidays, seems to have taken on new meaning given the experience of the past year. It is a time of rebirth. Cancer takes a lot out of you, there have been moments of despair, losses of dignity (as well as hair), and times where you wonder if it will ever go away. But as you can see by Britt's picture she has come through both stronger and in the very biased opinion of this author as beautiful as ever.
Brian
As Britt said in her post I did take her to a treatment last week, and it was really amazing to see what they do, using lasers, and large computer servers they are able to pinpoint treatment areas to a fraction of a millimeter, and attack them aggressively while not endangering the surrounding cells. They even measure her breathing (they shoot on the intake), to make sure they hit the right sight. Through it all Britt has to lie very still with her arms above her head, for at least 30 minutes, just one more form of torture this has put her through.
The toughest part of all of this for me has been I have still had to travel, a lot. I travel about 60% of the time for my job, and this has meant I have had to be away for a lot of the treatments. I am constantly facing the work/life dilemma, my work is important to me (especially since the cost of treatments without insurance would bankrupt someone), but Britt is more important, so it has been very tough. Fortunately I can be very thankful to a whole lot of people who have stepped up to help. Starting with my mother, and Britt's mother, who put large parts of their lives on hold to come and help us out, as both of them have made two extended trips. Britt's sister Kara, has been there as well, she even went with Britt on one of the toughest appointments she had, as the doctor at Stanford explained the cancer had spread further then previously thought. One of the more amazing out pourings has come from our little town of Los Banos, we have only lived here a little under two years, and yet we had so many friends that stepped up in so many ways, so to Heidi, Shawna, Sara Bowling, Sara Silva, Liz, Stepahnie, Veronica, Dawnie, Denise and everyone else who I might have forgotten, thank you so much from the Kelleher Family. Thank you as well to all of extended friends, and family who have taken the time to write cards, and send gifts they have meant so much to Britt and I to know that we are thought of, prayed for, and loved.
Easter like all of the holidays, seems to have taken on new meaning given the experience of the past year. It is a time of rebirth. Cancer takes a lot out of you, there have been moments of despair, losses of dignity (as well as hair), and times where you wonder if it will ever go away. But as you can see by Britt's picture she has come through both stronger and in the very biased opinion of this author as beautiful as ever.
Brian
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Almost there
Hello all- I have only Six, yes, six radiation treatments to go and I have completed my medical therapy. I am feeling great and ready to get on with my life. My skin is holding up quite nicely considering the intense conditions I have put it through. Some redness but I use aloe and it seems to help. Brian joined me for a session last week. He might blog about it but he said it was really amazing what they are doing with my treatment. They are tracking 14 different locations across my upper body where they are zapping possibly cancer cells. It is very specific and they tell me I am one of the more complicated treatment plans. I feel very happy that I have resources so close to my home for the best care possible. I have gotten to know the therapists well now too, I am there everyday, and I have my set routine. Don't get me wrong I am counting the days until I am done and do not need to return but I will make it. Six sessions will be over in a blink of the eye. So if all goes according to plan and the machine does not break down, or something, I should be finished on April 16th.
I am not wearing my wig in public anymore!! Yeah!!! With the security of the wig, it was an interesting public transition from longer blond hair to short, short brown hair. I did color it light brown and it looked much fuller. I can't do much with it though, other than spike it up using styling wax. There were three groups of people that I was encountering as I transitioned off the wig. Strangers- random people at the gas station, store clerks, etc. I didn't care who saw me, they don't know me and I will never see them again. Friends- These people knew the whole story and I was excited to show them my "new look". Everyone seems to like it and has been supportive. The last group that I found the most complicated was the acquaintances or loose friendships- These were people that never even knew I had cancer. I never felt the need to tell them. The guy who mows my lawn, some neighbors, people at my gym, parents on Paige's softball team and school. To go one day from long blond hair to this extreme haircut was somehow stressful for me. I didn't want to blow peoples minds and leave them with quizzical looks on their faces. So I told a couple acquaintances ahead of time, "I am finish chemo and radiation and the next time you see me I will have really short hair" and left it at that. I don't really feel the need to go into it with every person I see, if they ask, that is fine. So I am back to my natural hair and I feel great. It is certainly easy to take care of and everyday I can see a difference in the look.
Brian's mom goes home on Thurs. We are sad to see her go, she brought me a lot of comfort knowing Erin, for instance, was not getting into trouble and Paige was picked up a school on time. Thank goodness for family.
I am very much looking forward now. Our family was nominated by Nancy, my friend who works for Emanuel Hospital, to be interviewed for the Emanuel Hospital Newsletter about "treatment for the cure." They would interview us about our experience and take pictures etc.
I also had an opportunity to volunteer for the American Cancer Society for the "Look good feel better" Program. They were training volunteers who would hold the program for patients and I served as a "guest Model" for the training class. It was fun and I got a bunch of new makeup. They basically did my makeup and I told the volunteers about my experience. I am looking forward to giving back if I can. My experience has been "extraordinary" =). I would like to think other people can benefit from what I went through.
After radiation, all I have is ongoing Herceptin treatments until Sept (no side effects) and medication in a pill form that blocks my Estrogen and of course my final cosmetic/plastic surgery. Sounds like a lot but other than the final surgery, I hope it is manageable.
Hope Everyone is doing well.
Britt
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Slowly making progress
Hello all- Some days Radiation goes very smoothly and other days takes a long time and is proving to be a royal pain. I am about two weeks in and about four weeks to go. I had a tough week last week with frustration and disappointment but this week things have gone fine.
We went to San Diego two weekends ago which was a fun but long trip. We chose to drive home late on Sunday night and got in about 1:00 am. I had to pull myself out of bed on Monday morning to get to radiation by 8:00 am only to find out that the machine was down. No machine, no treatment. The therapists (the ones who run the machines) were not able to get the message to me in time to prevent me from traveling the hour up there to find out I was out of luck. I was so furious that of all days, I was exhausted and I drove all the way up there only to turn around and drive home and I did not even get a session of therapy under my belt. The more sessions I get, the closer I am to finishing. So I missed two days because of the machine and those days gets tacked onto the end of the therapy timetable.
Then on Thurs. the Dr. was moving and shifting my body so they got the perfect position that I laid in one position (with my arms over my head) for almost an hour. I was in so much pain that tears were running down my face by the end of it. I had to just lay still and take it because if I were to quit or move I would only have to repeat it tomorrow. So it was in my best interest to just get through it. On Friday it was better. As they were positioning me I would lower my arms to give them a rest and that worked better. I have to do what I can to make the experience work for me. I get mad at them, but they are only trying to give me the best result. So I understand what they are trying to do but I still am angry and I take it out on them in my head. Which makes no sense, it is not really their fault.
I am having a hard time shaking my anger. I am just so tired of everything and I find I am projecting it on people who are either unrelated or not responsible for my anger. It is unrealistic and really makes no sense but sometimes I need a person to blame for my problems. I can't blame cancer. It is fruitless.
So I am up at 6:00 and out the door by 7:00 for the radiation appt at 8:00. Sounds like a job, huh? I get through radiation for the day, it is about 10:00 am when I get home. If it is a good day, then I can get started on the rest of my day. If it is a bad day, then it really deflates me for the rest of the day. I feel lethargic and tired. I nap a lot now as they warned me that radiation tires you out. So far I am not seeing any side effects such as skin burns or redness. They say to expect it in the third or fourth week. So I am trying to stay ahead of it by moisturize my skin as much as possible. Both Monday and Tues were very smooth, in and out in 30 mins.
Good news, my Mother in law is back to help out. For the next three weeks, she will be able to take care of the kids and Brian can travel when he needs to knowing that I am taken care of. I think her visit will be better for him than for me, although it is good for me too. He tends to put the weight of the world on himself and just be knowing I am OK gives him the ability to go to work and do his job.
We had a great weekend in San Diego. We went to the pool and hot tub and I did not wear my wig. A big step for me. I feel like people immediately know I have cancer when they see the short hair but you know what, who cares, I won't see these people again and if they wondered, who cares, it is not my responsibility to fill them in. I wonder why I am so worried about hiding it still but I guess it just gets back to privacy. I don't want to be seen as a spectacle, my hair is just short not a big deal, right?. I am getting closer to "the big reveal". No wig. My hair is only about 1/2 inch long but I am thrilled. I colored it today to give it the appearance of more thickness. I think it looks pretty good, considering, but we will see if I have the guts to go out in public or not.
Paige continues to love her Monkey Business group. It is very natural for her to tell people all about it. "I am going to my club. It is for kids who's Mommy's or Daddy's have Cancer." Very matter of fact, which is good. It is a part of her life, she should embrace it. She seems to be handling everything so well. One issue I did not address with Paige is the fact that you could die from cancer. I just figured why go there if I don't need to right now, but in the group they covered that topic and I cringed a bit because I wasn't sure how she would handle it. Come to find out she is fearful of that but she is as hopeful as I am. Hope is important.
I wanted to mention again how wonderful it is to get cards and messages from friends and family almost a year into this ordeal. I hear from Brian's side of the family a lot which is so nice. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I have reconnected with so many people that I sometimes have a hard time keeping up with responses so if I am slow, I am sorry. It is a wonderful problem to have, too many people to respond to. I love talking with everyone, please don't feel put off, I couldn't do it without you all.
Britt
We went to San Diego two weekends ago which was a fun but long trip. We chose to drive home late on Sunday night and got in about 1:00 am. I had to pull myself out of bed on Monday morning to get to radiation by 8:00 am only to find out that the machine was down. No machine, no treatment. The therapists (the ones who run the machines) were not able to get the message to me in time to prevent me from traveling the hour up there to find out I was out of luck. I was so furious that of all days, I was exhausted and I drove all the way up there only to turn around and drive home and I did not even get a session of therapy under my belt. The more sessions I get, the closer I am to finishing. So I missed two days because of the machine and those days gets tacked onto the end of the therapy timetable.
Then on Thurs. the Dr. was moving and shifting my body so they got the perfect position that I laid in one position (with my arms over my head) for almost an hour. I was in so much pain that tears were running down my face by the end of it. I had to just lay still and take it because if I were to quit or move I would only have to repeat it tomorrow. So it was in my best interest to just get through it. On Friday it was better. As they were positioning me I would lower my arms to give them a rest and that worked better. I have to do what I can to make the experience work for me. I get mad at them, but they are only trying to give me the best result. So I understand what they are trying to do but I still am angry and I take it out on them in my head. Which makes no sense, it is not really their fault.
I am having a hard time shaking my anger. I am just so tired of everything and I find I am projecting it on people who are either unrelated or not responsible for my anger. It is unrealistic and really makes no sense but sometimes I need a person to blame for my problems. I can't blame cancer. It is fruitless.
So I am up at 6:00 and out the door by 7:00 for the radiation appt at 8:00. Sounds like a job, huh? I get through radiation for the day, it is about 10:00 am when I get home. If it is a good day, then I can get started on the rest of my day. If it is a bad day, then it really deflates me for the rest of the day. I feel lethargic and tired. I nap a lot now as they warned me that radiation tires you out. So far I am not seeing any side effects such as skin burns or redness. They say to expect it in the third or fourth week. So I am trying to stay ahead of it by moisturize my skin as much as possible. Both Monday and Tues were very smooth, in and out in 30 mins.
Good news, my Mother in law is back to help out. For the next three weeks, she will be able to take care of the kids and Brian can travel when he needs to knowing that I am taken care of. I think her visit will be better for him than for me, although it is good for me too. He tends to put the weight of the world on himself and just be knowing I am OK gives him the ability to go to work and do his job.
We had a great weekend in San Diego. We went to the pool and hot tub and I did not wear my wig. A big step for me. I feel like people immediately know I have cancer when they see the short hair but you know what, who cares, I won't see these people again and if they wondered, who cares, it is not my responsibility to fill them in. I wonder why I am so worried about hiding it still but I guess it just gets back to privacy. I don't want to be seen as a spectacle, my hair is just short not a big deal, right?. I am getting closer to "the big reveal". No wig. My hair is only about 1/2 inch long but I am thrilled. I colored it today to give it the appearance of more thickness. I think it looks pretty good, considering, but we will see if I have the guts to go out in public or not.
Paige continues to love her Monkey Business group. It is very natural for her to tell people all about it. "I am going to my club. It is for kids who's Mommy's or Daddy's have Cancer." Very matter of fact, which is good. It is a part of her life, she should embrace it. She seems to be handling everything so well. One issue I did not address with Paige is the fact that you could die from cancer. I just figured why go there if I don't need to right now, but in the group they covered that topic and I cringed a bit because I wasn't sure how she would handle it. Come to find out she is fearful of that but she is as hopeful as I am. Hope is important.
I wanted to mention again how wonderful it is to get cards and messages from friends and family almost a year into this ordeal. I hear from Brian's side of the family a lot which is so nice. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I have reconnected with so many people that I sometimes have a hard time keeping up with responses so if I am slow, I am sorry. It is a wonderful problem to have, too many people to respond to. I love talking with everyone, please don't feel put off, I couldn't do it without you all.
Britt
Friday, March 6, 2009
Quick Update
Hi everyone, sorry to leave you with such a downer entry last time. Like I said, it has been a crazy week. Just wanted to give a quick update that I had radiation again last night and things went very smoothly. The therapists were very good with me walking me through what to expect and it took about 30 mins. It's all good. I am doing much better.
Britt
Britt
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Crazy Week
I was to start Radiation this week but things got a little crazy. I was in good spirits going into this week though I was tired because Brian had to travel this weekend and all week, giving me limited down time in dealing with the kids. I arranged to have Stephanie babysit on Tues but without knowing when I would be going back on Weds I reluctant to set other arrangements.
I get to the appt but start later than anticipated and I was worried about picking Paige up at school on time. I had alternative plans but when you are on your back in a machine laying perfectly still, I can't exactly get on my cell phone at that moment. I was told this day was simply a "dry run" of the radiation plan they developed. They want to be sure that the computer is programmed correctly and all the steps and measurements were correct before turning on the dangerous radiation. But I was required to lay still for a full hour. You try it, see if you can lay perfectly still for even 5 minutes. It is really hard. So I am laying on the gurney with camera-like machines hoovering over me. Every couple minutes they move and shift around me, shifting and clicking as they settle in the new position. All the Technicians are in the other room through a lead door that protects them from the radiation. Lucky me, I am all by myself in there with no one for company but a large intimidating machine.
So at some point about 20 mins in I must have dozed off and then the machine moved to it's next position and I woke up with an involuntary start. I knew I had moved quite a bit but I didn't know what that meant. "Did it mean I we had to start over?" "Did I mess some thing up?" "Did anyone see me move?" "Hello out there?"
I thought someone might come over the speaker and say some thing, like, "We saw you move, it's no big deal, just keep going." The Techs said they could see and hear me if I needed anything so I called out "Hello?", no response, I started to feel stupid, trying not to move but letting out a weak "hello" for the second time. No one was responding or giving me any instructions. Then I got scared. "Is anyone even there", "Are they out to lunch?" I yelled for a third time and still nothing. Then a single tear rolls down my face and then I knew it, Oh GOD, I am having a panic attack. My mind was racing, "Get me out of here!" I had one other panic attack in an MRI machine shortly after my diagnosis. Once I started to cry I started to feel really sorry for myself. Like if I was looking down and watching this from above, I would feel really sorry for that girl. Kind of a weird concept, but by now my breathing was elevated and I am not supposed to change my breathing too much. I knew the test was blown. FINALLY the techs rushed into the room to save me. "Where were they, why didn't they come or respond to me?" Turns out the lead door that seals me in to the room swings open so slowly because it is so thick and heavy
All in all it was a horrible experience and guess what!....I had to go back the next day to finish the dry run. I was able to pull myself together to drive home but I decided in that time that I needed Brian's mother to come back out again to help me. The stress of daycare arrangements, scheduling and caring for the kids along with Radiation and other DR appts is going to be really hard. So for all my friends and family who were encouraging me, I am going to accept help. Gram had offered and is happy to come out for a three week visit and help with the kids. Thank god for my family. Poor Brian, felt so helpless, being in North Carolina at the time. It seems like every time I have a major problem he is away trying to do his job. Of course, the reason I don't have as many problems when he is around is probably because...he is around. He alleviates that stress for me and remembers things that I don't remember from the Dr's. He was so upset he canceled his travel for next week so I will have help until Brian's Mom get into town.
So last night (at 7:00PM) I had to finish the test dry run. I was less stressed this time. I had the kids with my friend Sarah, and I listened to music before hand and OH Yeah, I took a anti-anxiety pill too, to take the edge off. HAHA Love my medication. I talked to the Dr and asked that the techs communicate with me through out the whole test so I know how long I have to go, just to let me know someone is there. They were all really nice and sorry that I struggled the day before. I got through it fine. With thirty mins on the gurney, I was done. Thank God.
It seems that my plan is pretty complicated because they are trying to radiate these tough locations such as the spot in the middle of my chest between my ribs. This requires a lot of maneuvering. Where most patients only have a couple mins of radiation, I will more likely have about 30 mins. My friend who just finished radiation, she only had 2 and half minutes but of course "I'm special", I have 30 mins. The Tech last night said that he has not seen such a complex plan. I am not sure if that is good or bad. This whole process really caught me off guard. I know I have a complex case but why do I need to add drama to the situation??? I am sure this kind of thing has happened before, I know a lot of people who have had panic attacks and also attacks in MRI's machines etc. So I am not embarrassed but I want to work to avoid it next time.
Like I said it has been a crazy week, in the midst of all this, I joined a new a support group aimed to help kids. It is called Monkey Business and the kids, ages 2-15 meet in one room and the parents meet in another all talking about how to help the kids deal with Cancer in their family. I think Paige has handled the whole thing wonderfully so she really saw this as a play date kind of thing because they made crafts and read books, etc. I get to this meeting all annoyed at the scheduling issues and the driving I will be doing over the next 6 weeks. We sit down to meet everyone and hear their stories. As we go around the room, a man starts to tell us his story and I am so sorry tell you all this, but this poor man is basically dying of prostate cancer......It was so hard to hear his story because he has very little hope. What do you say? He has two children and they are scared and devastated. In that one moment, for me, it all came flooding back for me. Why was I going through all this? There is a reason, a good reason. I plan on living....I have plenty of hope and that is why I do this. I do it because I want to live a long life and don't plan on this thing coming back.
That meeting put it all back in perspective. I am the lucky one. I am going to be OK and with some hard work I will get my life back. Sooner than later too. So off I go to Radiation with a new sense of purpose.
I will be in the car a lot so I am getting a earpiece headset so I can talk on my cell hands-free. So maybe you will be hearing from me as I pass the time in the car. =)
Love you guys
I get to the appt but start later than anticipated and I was worried about picking Paige up at school on time. I had alternative plans but when you are on your back in a machine laying perfectly still, I can't exactly get on my cell phone at that moment. I was told this day was simply a "dry run" of the radiation plan they developed. They want to be sure that the computer is programmed correctly and all the steps and measurements were correct before turning on the dangerous radiation. But I was required to lay still for a full hour. You try it, see if you can lay perfectly still for even 5 minutes. It is really hard. So I am laying on the gurney with camera-like machines hoovering over me. Every couple minutes they move and shift around me, shifting and clicking as they settle in the new position. All the Technicians are in the other room through a lead door that protects them from the radiation. Lucky me, I am all by myself in there with no one for company but a large intimidating machine.
So at some point about 20 mins in I must have dozed off and then the machine moved to it's next position and I woke up with an involuntary start. I knew I had moved quite a bit but I didn't know what that meant. "Did it mean I we had to start over?" "Did I mess some thing up?" "Did anyone see me move?" "Hello out there?"
I thought someone might come over the speaker and say some thing, like, "We saw you move, it's no big deal, just keep going." The Techs said they could see and hear me if I needed anything so I called out "Hello?", no response, I started to feel stupid, trying not to move but letting out a weak "hello" for the second time. No one was responding or giving me any instructions. Then I got scared. "Is anyone even there", "Are they out to lunch?" I yelled for a third time and still nothing. Then a single tear rolls down my face and then I knew it, Oh GOD, I am having a panic attack. My mind was racing, "Get me out of here!" I had one other panic attack in an MRI machine shortly after my diagnosis. Once I started to cry I started to feel really sorry for myself. Like if I was looking down and watching this from above, I would feel really sorry for that girl. Kind of a weird concept, but by now my breathing was elevated and I am not supposed to change my breathing too much. I knew the test was blown. FINALLY the techs rushed into the room to save me. "Where were they, why didn't they come or respond to me?" Turns out the lead door that seals me in to the room swings open so slowly because it is so thick and heavy
All in all it was a horrible experience and guess what!....I had to go back the next day to finish the dry run. I was able to pull myself together to drive home but I decided in that time that I needed Brian's mother to come back out again to help me. The stress of daycare arrangements, scheduling and caring for the kids along with Radiation and other DR appts is going to be really hard. So for all my friends and family who were encouraging me, I am going to accept help. Gram had offered and is happy to come out for a three week visit and help with the kids. Thank god for my family. Poor Brian, felt so helpless, being in North Carolina at the time. It seems like every time I have a major problem he is away trying to do his job. Of course, the reason I don't have as many problems when he is around is probably because...he is around. He alleviates that stress for me and remembers things that I don't remember from the Dr's. He was so upset he canceled his travel for next week so I will have help until Brian's Mom get into town.
So last night (at 7:00PM) I had to finish the test dry run. I was less stressed this time. I had the kids with my friend Sarah, and I listened to music before hand and OH Yeah, I took a anti-anxiety pill too, to take the edge off. HAHA Love my medication. I talked to the Dr and asked that the techs communicate with me through out the whole test so I know how long I have to go, just to let me know someone is there. They were all really nice and sorry that I struggled the day before. I got through it fine. With thirty mins on the gurney, I was done. Thank God.
It seems that my plan is pretty complicated because they are trying to radiate these tough locations such as the spot in the middle of my chest between my ribs. This requires a lot of maneuvering. Where most patients only have a couple mins of radiation, I will more likely have about 30 mins. My friend who just finished radiation, she only had 2 and half minutes but of course "I'm special", I have 30 mins. The Tech last night said that he has not seen such a complex plan. I am not sure if that is good or bad. This whole process really caught me off guard. I know I have a complex case but why do I need to add drama to the situation??? I am sure this kind of thing has happened before, I know a lot of people who have had panic attacks and also attacks in MRI's machines etc. So I am not embarrassed but I want to work to avoid it next time.
Like I said it has been a crazy week, in the midst of all this, I joined a new a support group aimed to help kids. It is called Monkey Business and the kids, ages 2-15 meet in one room and the parents meet in another all talking about how to help the kids deal with Cancer in their family. I think Paige has handled the whole thing wonderfully so she really saw this as a play date kind of thing because they made crafts and read books, etc. I get to this meeting all annoyed at the scheduling issues and the driving I will be doing over the next 6 weeks. We sit down to meet everyone and hear their stories. As we go around the room, a man starts to tell us his story and I am so sorry tell you all this, but this poor man is basically dying of prostate cancer......It was so hard to hear his story because he has very little hope. What do you say? He has two children and they are scared and devastated. In that one moment, for me, it all came flooding back for me. Why was I going through all this? There is a reason, a good reason. I plan on living....I have plenty of hope and that is why I do this. I do it because I want to live a long life and don't plan on this thing coming back.
That meeting put it all back in perspective. I am the lucky one. I am going to be OK and with some hard work I will get my life back. Sooner than later too. So off I go to Radiation with a new sense of purpose.
I will be in the car a lot so I am getting a earpiece headset so I can talk on my cell hands-free. So maybe you will be hearing from me as I pass the time in the car. =)
Love you guys
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Radiation
I am heading to radiation on Tues. I had all the meetings and all the tests required to get a routine setup everyday (M-F) for the next 6 weeks. I have been having a hard time this week because I thought going into this, that radiation was going to "be a walk in the park". I realize now that nothing about this experience is a walk in the park. Every step of it really stinks. At least I don't lose my hair as with Chemo but radiation has it's own set of restrictions and strain on my life. What I have a hard time with, is facing things that are unexpected. I have really tried throughout this is to gain as much control over things like schedules and planning but even now these things are out of my control.
I went in this past week for a CT scan to basically chart my body so they can determine the best directions and combinations for the light therapy to hit only the areas of possible cancer and not other important parts of my body like bones or internal organs. My heart and lungs are right behind my left breast plate so they want to hit the left breast area but not my heart. That takes meticulous calculations and measurements of this machinery. So I laid perfectly still in this machine for about 45 mins. and they made a cast of my body so I will assume the same position every time for the next 6 weeks. They even measured how my chest rises and falls as I breathe. They don't want any changes in my body from the beginning to the end of radiation or else I need to go through the 45 min CT measurement scan again. I don't want that again so everything stays the same the next 6 weeks. I am also instructed not to lose or gain significant weight during this time. It could throw every thing off.
So once I go through all this, they determine how many minutes I will need the radiation therapy everyday. Long enough where they kill potential cells but not too long where other things are damaged. Only about 10 -20 mins every day. Once they know how long I require the machine, I am given a slot of time to get the daily therapy along with everyone else who has cancer and needs radiation too. So I am competing with all these other people for this radiation machine and chances are I will not get my first choice of time slots. Brian is traveling this week and I have a babysitter, my friend Stephanie, lined up for babysitting of Erin. When she is not available, I have a couple backup options, but I don't really know what I am going to do for daycare while I am in radiation since I don't know when the times are yet. I am trying to plan, but right now it is out of my control along with everything else.
I felt a real turning point finishing Chemo and getting through my Surgery but in reality I am hardly half way through with Radiation and then the final surgery still to go. I really thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel but I feel like it is further and further away and all I feel is disappointment. I have been saving all the cards and notes that all my loved ones have sent me over the last year and as I looked into the box, I realized how packed it was getting. What I wonderful feeling to have all these well wishes and loving support to keep and share.
As always, thank you for supporting me in your own way.
I love you all,
Britt
I went in this past week for a CT scan to basically chart my body so they can determine the best directions and combinations for the light therapy to hit only the areas of possible cancer and not other important parts of my body like bones or internal organs. My heart and lungs are right behind my left breast plate so they want to hit the left breast area but not my heart. That takes meticulous calculations and measurements of this machinery. So I laid perfectly still in this machine for about 45 mins. and they made a cast of my body so I will assume the same position every time for the next 6 weeks. They even measured how my chest rises and falls as I breathe. They don't want any changes in my body from the beginning to the end of radiation or else I need to go through the 45 min CT measurement scan again. I don't want that again so everything stays the same the next 6 weeks. I am also instructed not to lose or gain significant weight during this time. It could throw every thing off.
So once I go through all this, they determine how many minutes I will need the radiation therapy everyday. Long enough where they kill potential cells but not too long where other things are damaged. Only about 10 -20 mins every day. Once they know how long I require the machine, I am given a slot of time to get the daily therapy along with everyone else who has cancer and needs radiation too. So I am competing with all these other people for this radiation machine and chances are I will not get my first choice of time slots. Brian is traveling this week and I have a babysitter, my friend Stephanie, lined up for babysitting of Erin. When she is not available, I have a couple backup options, but I don't really know what I am going to do for daycare while I am in radiation since I don't know when the times are yet. I am trying to plan, but right now it is out of my control along with everything else.
I felt a real turning point finishing Chemo and getting through my Surgery but in reality I am hardly half way through with Radiation and then the final surgery still to go. I really thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel but I feel like it is further and further away and all I feel is disappointment. I have been saving all the cards and notes that all my loved ones have sent me over the last year and as I looked into the box, I realized how packed it was getting. What I wonderful feeling to have all these well wishes and loving support to keep and share.
As always, thank you for supporting me in your own way.
I love you all,
Britt
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
