First day of chemo

Thank you for the response to our crazy news, everyone we talked to was as shocked as we were and at least we know our response was quite justified. Shock, anger, disbelief. I warn you, this is a long blog entry for me. I hope everyone out there in cyber land is able to get these entry's, if not, cut and paste them to friends who aren't so computer savvy.

Brian did a good job explaining the basic reasons for the strategy shift away from surgery to Chemo but a question that we keep getting is: Why didn't they go with this strategy earlier?? And to be honest we have not gotten a great answer for that one either. If this drug is so great then why not start it right away? There are a lot of reasons but the best explanation is, the Dr.s knew the cancer had spread to the lymphnode and they knew chemo/radiation would got those spots once we finished with any surgery we could do. It wasn't like they didn't know they were there, they just put a higher priority on the tumors they found on the breast. The usual direction is surgery, chemo then radiation if necessary. When the new information came back and the "hot spots" on the PET scan came back more intense, it was actually admirable
that the surgeon stood up and forced the new direction.

What sucked so bad (sorry, do children read this?) for me was our bags were packed for the surgery. I was geared up for the pain recovery, etc and for three nights away and frankly looking forward to catching up on a good book, magazine or movies with out kids. Brian and I were even considering going to an grown up movie (not a kiddie movie) by our selves that night before surgery. Then the DR came into the room and her first words were "You aren't going to be very happy with what I have to say". Let's just say I was livid and I am sick of holding my tongue with DR's so I let her have it. First I was most pissed that they did not call me ahead of time to give me a glimmer of a hint that things may be changing (up until that point I had avoided that kind of shock since way back in June when I found out I needed to have chemo and lose my hair for the first time. I hate the surprise factor in a DR. office setting when only wearing a hospital robe. It feels so vulnerable. (As it turns out, she only got this news on Friday and worked over the weekend and into Monday morning to get answers from five other Drs including the head of the Tumor Board who reviews all the special cases, she did do her best but still a phone call would have been nice.)

Second, I was furious that I had been messing around with all these F***in appts all summer when this thing was growing bigger. Yes, I did drop an F-bomb, Brian was quite proud...HAHA The extra time we took to confirm the additional spots on my breast were cancer and try save my breast may have worked against me or it my be for the best, it allowed us to have enough time to pass to allow us to see the dramatic changes and make adjustments quickly. We could go back and forth about what I could have done, what this DR or that DR could have said or done but the strategy before was a good one and the strategy now is a good one too anything else is futile. So we just have to overcome the mental part of it. Brian was WONDERFUL on Monday and he was wonderful again for my first day of Chemo today. (see below). He was so strong and said all the right things and was gentle and helpful and he drove about 8 hours on Monday. We were at the Stanford office sorting this out for about 3 hours and then they booked us a meeting with our Oncologist the same afternoon and we drove all the way over there to meet with him and get plans set. Palo Alto (Stanford) is near the Coast of CA and we drove up to Oakland and then over mountains and down to the Central Valley to get to the next appt by 4:00. We were exhausted but, boy was Paige happy to see us when we got home, she thought she would not see us for three nights. It was a nice surprise.

Tues was an odd day, I kind of just wandered around the house with very little do to. I had wrapped up most things, packed, cleaned off my desk and I didn't want to start anything new because I knew I had Chemo on Weds. Went over to a friend's house to join her on the pre-organized play date. Brian grieved a bit that night, I worry that he is having a hard time handling it all. The emotional strain is not just on me. Of course he is strong but we all have that moment of weakness and he needs that support as well.

My grieving was this morning, two days after the switcher-u. I was at the mirror doing my hair and makeup in the morning. Sometimes when you really look at your self, for me, all this self pity and stress rose up and I needed a good cry. I looked at myself and my biggest fear is that I will be fighting re-occurrences my whole life. I fear the Herceptin won't work and they won't go way. I was feeling low and I knew that is not a good place to be as I head into my first Chemo treatment. Brian quickly went to the web and gathered information on this famous Herceptin Drug. And there is so much good news about this drug that it bolstered my spirits. I want to research successful case studies to hear other people's successes and how Herceptin and Chemo helped them.

So we were off to the appt, I was anxious, not even allowing myself to believe I was starting Chemo today, maybe things changed again? I would believe it when I was sitting in the chair with the IV in my arm. Months ago I had a Chemical port installed in my upper chest on the right side away from the affected breast. Some of you who saw me this summer might recognized it. (If you are queasy, then skip reading the next couple sentences). It is a round unit that sits right under the skin so nothing is sticking out or anything but with bathing suits and certain tops you can see it the bulge. Anyway, this thing has been my nemesis all summer, 4 months of tests and talking, never needed the chem port at all. Basically the port has tubes that link directly to your heart valves and blood stream so the drugs are administered more effectively and with out having to use thinner more fragile veins on your arms and wrists.

So I get to the medical room, it is a large room with two RN's administering the medicine and watching to be sure everything is going smoothly. There were about 4 or 5 other patients and their loved ones there all with IV's of bags of liquid. I got very intimidated and anxious like I was joining the class late and did not know anyone and didn't know what to do, so Brian and I beelined it for the corner, maximum privacy. The very nice Nurse goes to install the IV in my handy dandy Chem port and I feel searing pain and pressure when she flushes it with saline. There was a sharp pain and then aches in my shoulder muscle. The DR came over and quickly determine if there is pain then the unit can not be used because if there is a leak or if is not functioning correctly then the medicine will not go where it is supposed to go and won't be effective. GREAT, JUST ONE MORE THING TO GO WRONG?!!!! AFTER FOUR MONTHS, THE THING IS BROKEN!!! I was already anxious and because of my bad mood this morning the tears came again right in the big room with all the patients, thank God we were in the corner. I didn't care, I was just so annoyed. Anyway, I have to go tommarrow to get a dye procedure through it to see if I can use it or I need it replaced. More on that later.

So I calmed down and they gave me an IV through my arm veins and finally got things going. So I sit in a relatively comfy lounge chair with pillows and blankets and sit there while they hang small bags of liquid and it drip drip drips into me. The first administered bag was a large dose of Bendryl (directly into my blood stream), that made me so sleepy and woozy but Brian had just left to get me lunch and he got me a Greek Gyro from our favorite place so I stayed awake long enough for him to bring lunch. Then I think I slept after that. I read my magazine, I watched some Seinfeld TV episodes on our DVD player, Brian was there in a less comfortable chair playing his portable video game and fiddled on his Cell phone. It is a slow process and not painful and the staff come back many times so about 5 hours later I was done.

I relate the whole Chemo experience to traveling across country in an airplane all day. My chair is some what comfortable but certainly not a barco lounger or anything, and it does not quite recline far enough back to really allow you to fall asleep, I have blankets and pillows that aren't all that comfortable, the air first was cold then it was hot, I only got up twice to go to the restroom and stretched once I got up. My head felt groggy like I haven't slept all night and I was constantly monitoring my stomach to see if I felt nauseous. Overall it wasn't the worst thing in the world, I have flown in more miserable situations many times. You get through it. Poor Brian travels like that every week.

I have a total of 6 sessions every 3 weeks, so one down 5 to go. The medicine goes all through my body but as that wears off along with anti-nausea medicine, around day three is when I would start to be dehydrated, and spike a possible fever. I thought I would be at my worst on day one, but I guess we will see what day 2 brings. Friends have cooked meals and they have been a welcome sight on a day like today. Even though Brian is the cook in our house, he needs a break too.

I hope I am not over the top with the ghastly details. Sorry,

Paige and Erin and Mrs. K are doing well. Paige wants to type on the blog too so if you get an entry that is all over the place you will know it is from Paige. Paige had three play dates with week so that she had something fun to do this week and my friends were so kind to step up and cook meals and pick up kids. Thank you again, Paige seems to be handling things well. She does mention breast cancer often, which is good and her teacher is on the lookout for anxiety or distraction at school. Erin is oblivious to the situation, thank God, the only thing Gram noticed from her when we are away is that she walks around the house like "where are my parents??", Brian's Mom is geared up and ready to take it on and I feel very comfortable leaving it in her good hands while I deal with this.

Lastly, I want to leave on a positive note, as I always try to do, Today marked the day that I got my first shot at cancer. No more talking about or testing for it. Cancer had its chance to grow and to do its thing and today was the first day I stopped it!! Take that !!!

Thank you to all and I love you for reading our blog and following our lives, we feel so blessed to have all the love in our live.

Britt